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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Well, we have not spoken in few days and the part about him

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Well, we have not spoken in few days and the part about him needing to also try to communicate has always been an issue - he does not try and I am tired of tyring because I am always the bad guy. Since Sunday I now sleep in my daughter's bedroom. We have not spoken. I don't feel bad about that. However today I received an email from him where is did say "I'm sorry that I accused you of snapping at my daughter but we have business to take of..." I've always felt that it was my income that this family needed and have enjoyed not really me. It was hurtful, but not surprising. Also, he said sorry for accusing me, which was not the issue especially when I did state that I did snap. the issue was that I have the right to be a queen in my own house especially when a young girl snaps and yells she will definately get my two cents and I'm tired of being persecuted while she enjoys the conflict she creates with me and my husband. I read that email five times and then replied in a business way about the facts and circimstances. He is a very bright man, but I am too and he knows it. I do make 3X more than he does (for now). He realized that I have put significant amount of cash in the home and that I had given him money to pay for certain things where he has taken the money and arranged monthly payments. So when our emails was discussing what's fair, it was obvious to him (I appears) that he ows me quite of bit of money. So he snapped at me in the email and said - "leave now and we can call it quits!" When I responded, I don't think so, but I do agree that me leaving is probably best, XXXXX XXXXX do believe there needs to be equity here. I am still furious. I feel used and taken advantage of. I feel that I was NEVER the one but all my perks, money, sex, and ... was good enough for him. He provides lavish gifts to his children and then persecutes me when I did not get one and I complained. I can go on, but I am only beginning to shed a few tears and look for a home. I want to handle this fairly - I "bad" is that I drained the cash account of my funds leaving him to pay the bills because everything is in his name. He has "cash" but HATES to use it and he does owe me quite a bit. I now have to pay for moving costs and I may lose all that I paid for. What's sad about all this is that I'm not worried about losing my invested cash in his home - I had all the faith when I upgraded a delapitated house. I'm just kinda sad about all this but after these few days I don't feel I've done anything wrong and I know I no longer want to be in last place in my own home. I've earned priority in that one respect.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how heartbreaking this situation must be for you. You are clearly hurt, disappointed, and angry. I read some of your previous questions/answers here at Just Answer and I can see how it has been heading toward this separation. I'm so sorry you're going through this; it's very hard.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I am going to introduce a word into the discussion that is difficult: grieving.

Yes, there will need to be financial considerations, and your kids will need to be tended to and arrangements made, etc. All these are important. But I want you to remember that there is an emotional heartbreak at the center of this.

From what you write, you clearly gave your heart to this relationship with him and you feel betrayed and belittled. That creates hurt and disappointment and anger. But there is also the grieving that you must recognize you are beginning to experience and that will need to be given expression.

Separation, divorce, are not often given this opportunity in our society. But that is a mistake. Because when you give your heart to someone and then that relationship is torn apart, there is grief. And you need to accept that you will grieve the relationship.

So give yourself the right to be angry, the right to be enraged as well. The right to be disappointed that he did not get it, that he did not try harder. The right to be hurt that he could misuse your generosity. But also give yourself the right to grieve that love has been torn apart. And that hurts and it should. So don't feel as though you should "be over it" or be "happy" and "free", etc. These are not what hardly anyone feels.

On the issue of fairness in the financial area: I urge you not to seek to be fair. This is the time for you to advocate for your needs. I believe that having the smartest and most sympathetic attorney who can be referred to you is crucial at this stage. You need to have a voice guiding you that you trust and that is not swayed by emotions. Because you need to let yourself feel your emotions and to have an attorney looking out for your interests so that you can be free to feel them.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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