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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hello. There have been many issues with my husband and I with

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Hello. There have been many issues with my husband and I with respect to his adult children. Rather then spend the time going through the history, I finally came to a point where I decided I and my girls needed to leave. This past February, I approached my husband and said - There's too many problems, I am treated like a guest here, your kids treat my kids poorly and you support them. I've tried but feel that this is not working so I'm going to need the time to save my money and simply go. He stopped me and said we can work it out and to please tell him what the issue are and for him to try again. We began to work things out and it gave me a lot of faith. However there is one item that has not change and will not change and I've received confirmation from him today that it will not change. His daughter, now 20, lives with us and is pretty snappy and bossy. I am too and that does not phase me, but the only difference is I bite back. Tonight I was going to pet my little dog and he got so excited that he hopped on one of the chairs which I simply reached over to to get him and my step daughter immediately snapped at him (while she was on the phone). So I snapped back and said "worry about y our phone call" and put my dog down. She than snapped again and I just told her to stop and I am no mood to listen to her rantings. I went upstairs and she subsequently, yelled at her father about the scene. He than came up stairs and said "why are you treating her poorly after all she was only yelling at the dog" You can said it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked "why are you siding on her side and did not bother to ask me anything, just scold me?" After much nonsene talking, it came down to this, I told him "I am a fair person, however, I have the right of home ownship and and the right of a WIFE not a guest. If I choose to snap at a girl who snaps, whether it is at a door or not, it is my right to keep her tone and attitude it place. So Les you need to choose - am I your WIFE and will you support me and stop the nonsense of her going to her each time I put her in her place - choose. He said "I want both of you to treat eachother better" I looked at him and said "is that your choice?" and he began to walk out of the room, where I softly said, don't leave we are not done. He then said "you know where I am, I'm just downstairs" I want to be a wife not a step wife. I think it's over because I don't know what else to do.
Sorry for the delay. This is very common in blended families. You are not alone and describe a situation common to a blended family. You can educate yourself in how to communicate as well as your husband. I would approach him about resources found at your local book store. It is very common to feel as if he has to choose. In reality it is not choosing but rather to get along together. Choosing will alienate him and the daughter causing her to behave more badly. You have to work on each person's behavior as a group and individual. This also will put your partner less on the defense. Talk to him about educating yourselves as a family and see what he is willing to do. You can also find a marriage or family counselor in your state. Sometimes if the issues are dealt with as a couple the problem is resolved effectively because you work together. This can reduce the amount of resistance coming from him.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Well I feel I've tried. I've explained the situation to him and said "I was right there, there was no reason to snap." He kept on saying "she only yelled at the dog" I said in turn said "I WAS RIGHT THERE, WALKING TOWARD MY DOG, IT JUMPED UP ON THE CHAIR IN RESPONSE TO ME WALKING TOWARD IT TO LOVE IT, AND AS I WAS BENING DOWN TO TAKE IT OFF THE CHAIR SHE SNAPPED WHILE SHE WAS ON THE PHONE!" Why is this difficult?

This is not the only time.
It seems that there isn't but some people just experience a lack of communication. When this is the case you have to urge your partner to participate in some form of intervention whether it is the Mars and Venus series or a short stay with a marriage counselor. Sometimes interventions can be on your own but he has to be willing such as using "I" statements and other strategies. Even differences between genders can make a difference. See what he is willing to do
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