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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1200
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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So Ive recently started a new relationship and Im very happy

Customer Question

So I've recently started a new relationship and I'm very happy with her, she has been honest and forthcoming about her past and her current struggles. She had mentioned that she had a crush on a former married bandmate and that she was forced to quit the band because their interactions borderlined inappropriate. Recently, we went to a concert in which the married bandmate had a free extra ticket to the event and I went along with my significant other and our interactions were cordial but the way the bandmate looked at my girlfriend made me feel uncomfortable. I decided that it wouldn't be best to make my feelings known until I thought hanging out with the former bandmate was a common occurrence. Well, the married bandmate helped my girlfriend moved, which my girlfriend informed me about and then came over to join us and another friend, which my girlfriend did not warn me about. Also, my girlfriend and the bandmate have not played music for some time and the bandmate asked my girlfriend to play music this week in front of me , while she was leaving. Coincidentally, I know this bandmates wife is out of town and find it to much of a coicidence. I dont want to appear jealous or controlling but It makes me uncomfortable to be around them with the knowledge I have but then again I would rather be around then to have my gf seeking behind my back. How don't
I approach this and am i reading too much into it.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart. I'm unclear about whether these two couples you're writing about are all women, or whether they're heterosexual couples. There are somewhat different expectations about post-romantic friendships in some Lesbian communities than among typical heterosexual couples, yet musical groups have their own erotic energy among them, so there's quite a bit of competition for exclusive coupling.

Dr. Norman Brown :

It seems it would be pretty awkward to merely witness the harmony of their playing music together, because that is the voice of emotion, and it would not have led to her being forced out of the band if it had not been perceived as an invasive force. I have to say 1. I'm not qualified to state anything authoritatively about your situation, because I've never had to deal with that myself, nor carefully followed clients for whom that was the issue. But I think I would choose to be present for at least 2 jam sessions, so they couldn't give in to their erotic connection and see what happens. I'd have the assumption that it would be so uncomfortable to play together under your watchful eye, that they would have to discontinue it themselves, or perhaps their erotic energy would simmer down to the point that you could know it wouldn't gain momentum again.

Dr. Norman Brown :

What else should I consider?