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solutions.therapist, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience:  LPC Parenting, divorce, siblings, children
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My wife left me but may be a chronic liar. Is there any way

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My wife left me but may be a chronic liar. Is there any way that a relationship with her could work if she is in fact a chronic liar?
It can work but there will be a lot of mistrust and dysfunction. If you can't trust someone then how can you possibly have a relationship with them? It can't work.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Well my question is really about chronic lying and seeing whether that can eventually be helped through therapy or medication. I mean we have both messed up a lot....a lot and Id like to work things out but you are right, if I can't trust her, then it cannot work. Can that sort of thing be worked out of her over time though?

It depends on her motivation to change, acknowledgment of the problem, and the things she lies about.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
A meaningful relationship can only be developed with trust. As Dr. G. mentioned, she has to be willing to change. If lying is habitual, it will take a great deal of time for her to relearn and change those behaviors and reactions to life situations. How old is she? Are there children involved in your relationship? If she wants to change, it would be beneficial for her to work on this change with a therapist. Be patient , months/years as she learns to live life differently. There are reasons she lies. It is possibly underlying issues she may need to deal with. With that said, You can't change her and you can't motivate her. She has to be the one who wants to change her way of living.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you. That was more of the response I was looking for. She is 24 and we have 3 kids together. She lies about a lot and that hurts. She says that she has lied to impress me because sometimes she feels like she is not good enough for me but these are crazy elaborate lies. She will also lie about small things that she has no reason to lie about. She does want help but she has a ton of trouble when she is asked to face them. She says that the bad things that I have done in the relationship have made her say forget it. Her feelings about the past are so great that she has to overcome those before she comes home, if she comes home. Her lies amongst a few other things are my issues and I am trying Very hard to get her back right now. I just needed to ask if change was even possible in her because my feelings can't go back to what they were.

Trust can be reestablished over a long trial. Trust must be earned. It sounds like you may need to face some truths as well about yourself. It sounds like you are well on your way to earning her trust back. This will take time. If I can use a metaphor, It's kind of like falling in a hole. It's quick and fast. Trying to get out is a long hard climb. You but must be willing to put in that effort to climb out. This means you both have to work to earn each others trust. It is my hope, for your children's sake that you both will make that choice. The children need to see positive and honest role models in their lives. Your commitment is inspiring. Stay the course, and we can hope she sees your commitment. Also you might offer a willingness to find ways to ease her daily stressors, and allow her time to work on these tough issues emotionally. This kind of change can be very emotionally and physically exhausting.

If I have answered your question, please provide a positive rating. As always if further discussion is necessary, type away.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for the response and I'm sorry to write back yet again. She says that she hates talking about the situation because it brings up all the feelings. Instead, she wants small talk so she can try to connect. While I am ok with that, how will things change that way? It's hard because I want to establish that trust but there are certain things I know she is lying to me about now as we speak. I know her lying will not change over night but I'm worried about the kids. The longer this goes on the worse it's going to be on them. So how should I help her with her daily stressors and what else can I do to show her that I'm changing when she isn't around?

She needs outside help. She needs guidance. Will she be receptive to seeing a counselor? I believe it would be beneficial for you to both see one together and separate.........marriage and family counselor. If she seems opposed to counseling...suggest a life coach. There are many counselors who are also life coaches. It sounds like she is continuing to avoid the real issues. She needs help, other than you. You need to be a supportive husband and awesome father. If you are not already the primary domestic partner, offer to assist around the house so that she feels like she has time to attend therapy or life coaching. Actions speak volumes. She will see and feel your commitment, it will just take time and some open dialogue with a counselor. You two may need to have some difficult conversations about past problems.

solutions.therapist, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience: LPC Parenting, divorce, siblings, children
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