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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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So...I know your answer was this person isn't good for any relationship. I backed off completely. He was still using the online dating site a lot, and I figured clearly he is interested in that and I'm not hearing from him so forget this. After not hearing from me for a while (we played online word games daily) he tried to start up the flirting again. I very nicely and jokingly told him he shouldn't get people excited if he isn't following through. We took the conversation more serious and I said that he gave me some mixed messages and that I had thought he might be interested...and now I was feeling toyed with.

I called later that evening and he was very friendly and excited to talk. After talking for a while I finally brought up the conversation saying that I wasn't mad or anything, but that I was confused. He tried to say that he knew he was a flirt and he was sorry. I said, "Well I hope you weren't flirting with your exes like that when you dated me?" And he said said No.

Without my asking, he said that he was open to dating again, but it wasn't something he was going to jump into and we could hang out as friends first and see where things go. And he said, "I hate to say it but I've been dating the last couple of months." I said, "Oh you have? But you told me women tell you no all the time and you lost motivation." He said, "Well most women tell me no but some say yes. It's nothing serious but yeah I've been dating." I know him well enough to know if he was dating one person serious he wouldn't have put an ad up online. Actually I think if he was dating one person unserious, I don't think that he would have suddenly put an ad up. The ad has only been up a few weeks, so I'm wondering is he really actually seeing someone on a weekly basis that he has started focusing on, or was he just saying this to see my reaction. I also know how those online ads go for guys, it's hard for guys to get much response out of them in the first place, let alone find someone you really hit it off with.

The whole thing seems weird and I'm kind of mad. I almost feel like he put some bait out to see if I'd respond, then when I finally asked what he was thinking, he talked to me as though I'm asking him to get back together like it's my idea but we will have to go at his pace. I have an ex that used to do this, but I didn't think this guy was this way. We did talk for a while on the phone and I emphasized that I was interested in hanging out as friends so that we could get to know each other and understand each other better, that I felt we had had a lot of misunderstandings. And honestly, this was really my true intention. I am open to be more than friends again, but was wanting to develop more of a friendship first so we were both comfortable or to see what was going on between us. I wasn't about to ask him out on a romantic date anytime soon, so I am a bit annoyed that I was treated as such.

Is what he was doing some sort of trick on me to see if I'm interested? I really don't think he plays games, if he is doing these things on purpose he is probably genuinely confused himself. Sine the phone conversation he hasn't checked the online ad.

I can go along with this and just see where things go…tell myself okay this guy didn't want to be vulnerable so might have tricked me into showing interest. If I go with this, I will probably have to initiate asking to hang out, his history seems to be having women take the lead. Or the second, I'm wondering if I became a backup plan? Can't imagine he would do that but am not excited about letting him get away with that sort of behavior or putting myself in that position.

Part of me is mad and annoyed that he felt the need to tell me he's been dating. We're both free agents and I already know that, I've dated a couple of guys over the last year myself and I would assume he's gone on dates or SOMETHING over the last year. I almost felt like it was an arrogant thing to say, I would like to think he is smart enough to know I have options myself. (I am considered pretty attractive to most guys) My thinking is, if you met someone that you are focused on, then say that and say we can be friends but I'm seeing someone. But other than that, I don't understand why he said that. And especially after giving me these signals like he was trying to show interest in dating me. Was this a trick?
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Dear friend,

I believe that he just likes the attention he gets and he needs the assurance that someone likes him more than he needs the actual relationship.

He may be toying with you, but not on the conscious level. You seem to be a catch - someone that many men would like to know and date. Others would make the effort. He does not. In a sense he has you hooked because you care enough for him and are willing to put up with him. He seems to like to see how far he can push you.

He is not doing this on the conscious level, as I mentioned, but it does reveal his thinking.

He tells you that he is dating to build himself up and to try to make you jealous.

Wouldn't you prefer a man of action who will sweep you into his arms and lavish attention and kindness upon you? You do not seem to be a take-it-or-leave-it kind of a woman and you probably deserve a lot better than what he is giving you.

I think there is too much game playing in this relationship. It is all introduction and prelude, but the relationship never seems to get under way. He is very juvenile and at this point may never grow up. It is up to you whether to continue or not, but if you are not satisfied, it begins to lose meaning.

I wish you success and wisdom, and shall continue to keep you in my prayers

Warm regards,

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