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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Good Morning Dr. Paige. Well you have encouraged me to back

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Good Morning Dr. Paige. Well you have encouraged me to back off a little with Sherry, maybe put some distance between us. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. She has gotten to where she will not say "I Love You" anymore, she shortens her texts replies, says as little as possible. The original plan was for her to come join me when her autistic son Austin graduates high school. That was last month. Now the excuse is we aren't getting along, and she doesn't want to move her son from a bad environment with her controlling mother, to a toxic one with me. I really don't feel our relationship is toxic. So yesterday we were talking. I told her I was thinking of taking the entire week of July 4th off anyway, and will probably just go see my mother. She said "Sounds Nice". I said you know what would be nicer" She said What? To spend it with you and Austin, Fishing, Swimming, Camping, going to movies, going to water parks, just enjoying each other's company. Her reply to that was "I've asked you to stop all that but I guess you refuse" I replied "I wasn't saying it was going to happen, just said it would be nice to spend time with my family. Ok, I will not utter another word. I just miss us together and think it would be nice, that's all" To her reply of "K" 2 hours later she text me and said Guitar Hero is not the best thing for a recovering headache....I did not reply! Two more hours and I get..."Home"....I still did not reply. 9 minutes later I get "Ok don't talk really makes no difference to me. I'm done with your games! We talked later last night. She says I ignored 5 texts, and of course you know technology, I could have missed them. But I only count 2. I don't understand why when she misses a text it is no big deal...She will generally get a "Ok, talk when you can text" following it. I really get the feeling that she doesn't want to move, doesn't want to do anything, but doesn't know how to express that? She swears that is not the case, that if she was ready for it to be over she would tell me. That we (meaning me) need to fix some things before she moves Austin into a new environment. Last night she wouldn't even say goodnight, or I love you. Of course, neither did I! Her last text was "We only seem to miss them when you want to miss them, have a nice evening". So I replied "You Too" and then, "Text when you wake in the morning, you know I like to let you sleep in when you can, so text to let me know you're awake...if you want to??? Part of me feels like being the bigger person here Dr. Paige and if she doesn't text by 10:00 just go ahead and text her and say Good Morning. But part of me feels if she doesn't want to talk to me, let's see how long it will take before she does want to talk to me? I really don't see what's wrong with wishing my family were with me. She will be turning 42 in a few days. If she doesn't like her current living situation with her controlling mother then get the hell out! I understand prior to Austin graduating why she did what she did. However, in my eyes, she is running out of excuses now!
Good morning. I think that she is wanting YOU to fix things and not have to do anything on her own. I think you are right in that she doesn't want to move or do anything. I do think your relationship is toxic because of everything that has happened. It certainly isn't a healthy relationship or one with good communication! I do agree that things should be fixed before you move in together. I do think you both have a long way to go and I also think she is still unwilling to be a part of the solution. I don't know what exactly she expects of you and at this point, I'm not sure that she knows either! You are never going to get anywhere in this relationship until she is willing to open up to you and be honest with herself about what she wants and she seems not at all in touch with this reality. Have you asked her straight out what is it she requires to be happy? Why is she so miserable all the time and can she ever be happy? She has to be able to answer at least one of these questions. You can't be with someone who is negative all the time. You don't need to be the bigger person all the time, it can be her turn to step up too. If she is fine with you not talking to her, then fine. Is she really? It's obviously having some sort of effect on her. Probably another reason for her to blame you for something. If she doesn't even want you to mention spending time with her family, then what kind of relationship is that? Not one in a very good state to say the least. If you left, she would most likely blame you for all the reasons the relationship didn't work out. Again, not a very stable situation to be in. Maybe think about cutting all ties with her for awhile to see how she responds and being direct with her about why she is always miserable.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I do think that I have broken more in this relationship than she has. I lied about the arrows, I lied about the speeding ticket and the defensive driving course. I have planted doubt. So I see where I have more to fix than she does. But we both have missed texts due to technology malfunctions, and though I might get a little upset, I usually just say "Text when you can". I don't think I've ever been the ass to her that she is being to me, though I am sure she would have a different opinion of that. It is a damn shame that two forty something year old adults have to sneak around like little school children to date because God forbid if her family found out. Well maybe it is time for you to grow a pair and say to hell with your family? You're a grown woman who can make her own choices. But I don't think she is capable of that. Furthermore I am not going to keep dating under the same situation as we've been dating, sneaking around, hiding, being secretive, can't talk about wanting her and her son to be with me...etc. So, though I do want to fix this. She is a good woman and a great mother. The ball may be in my court to fix it...but it takes two to play ball!

Even if you did plant doubt and broke more than she has, she does have a negative attitude about wanting to fix it and as you said, it takes two to play ball. You can't fix everything yourself. She has to open up to you and allow communication as to what she needs to be able to deal with the things you broke. She has just shut down and this isn't good. I think you need to talk with her in a blunt way and tell her how it is. Explain that you know what has happened and you want to fix it but you need her help to do this. Ask her if she thinks things can go back to the way they were in the beginning and if so how? Also, tell her how you feel about sneaking around and don't sugar coat it, tell it like it is. You guys both beat around the bush and walk on eggshells and try to be nice and coy at the same time and you just have to have a big blow out conversation with it all out on the table with the raw, naked truth of all of it.
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