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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. about 6

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. about 6 months into our relationship he told me he was seeing another girl for about 2 years "it's just sex, I could never be with her". Yet every time he breaks up with me he runs back or she finds him...
Well, she has some serious issues and was jailed for selling her prescription drugs about 10 months ago.
Since her sentencing (1 year) we have developed into the most loving and sweet couples I could ever imagine. Just 1 thing...they write letters. She writes him long smooshy I love you letters at least once a week. he writes back. I don't know what he writes. He also paid her lawyer, sends her money, takes he calls from prison, pays 100% of her way.
When I ask him to stop leading her on, he just says that she has no one else and he wont kick her while she is down.
I have only touched on the subject lightly with him, just once putting my foot down and telling him to make the weekend calls stop. They have. he no longer gets calls when Im around but I know from the letters that they talk weekly.
I am really worried that they will go right back to sneaking around as soon as she gets out of prison in 3 months.
How do I make this stop without demanding or giving him an ultimatum?
Hello. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. You didn't say how old this other lady is, but if she is significantly younger than him, they may have an oddly father/daughter type relationship where he feels he should support her. Regardless, there is no excuse for his behavior while in a relationship with you. If this behavior bothers you and it obviously does and should bother you, you HAVE to give him the ultimatum. He will not stop. The chances of him going right back to her when she gets out are very high and probable. Why should he stop? He has everything he wants right now, you and her. It will always be that way because he doesn't have to make a choice. You are going to have to make a decision. You need to chance losing him and give him the ultimatum to stop all contact with her, or you deal with his behavior and his sneaking around. The other thing you can do of course is to just walk away altogether. If you really are the love of his life, there is no way that he would be with another woman physically or emotionally. If you were the love of his life, he should have no issues with cutting contact with her and be with you and only you 100% of the time. You should not have to demand this, but he obviously has no desire to make that choice. So you need to figure out how much more of this are you going to take from him? You do not deserve to be treated like this at all. I think you need to keep warning him and putting your foot down and giving him that ultimatum. He should not be able to have 2 women unless that is the arrangement made by all involved. A normal relationship does not work this way and you should not be stressed out all the time wondering if he is with her or talking to her or what he is doing behind your back. That is not true love. You need to stand up and take pride in yourself and take sure he knows that he has to make the choice. If you are not ok with something on this level, you have every right to speak your mind about it. If he leaves or chooses her, then his true intentions will be shown.
You can't make this stop. He has to make this stop. He has to make the choice. You need to tell him that he has to make the choice. Think about all of your options and how much control you really have over the situation. You can't control him, you can only control yourself and how you respond to what he is doing to you and with her.
I'm glad you have told him that if it goes on much longer that you will leave him. if he takes you seriously, he should be able to see the value of your relationship over this other woman who is obviously using him for everything she can. Stay strong and stand your ground. It's all you can do.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He doesn't know that I have seen the letters.
I want to have this conversation with him without
Drama or searching for just the right thing to say.
I am afraid that the timing will be all wrong or that
I can't say what I have to say without becoming emotional
And running off track.
Is it a good idea to just tell him that I decided to take
this problem to a professional and then hand him
your printed response?
I don't think there is any reason to show him the
question. Only the answer you gave.
Hello. I thought he had known you knew about the letters. You have already told him that the relationship with this other woman and his communication needs to stop. You can show him whatever you would like as far as responses go, but you should really talk to him about it. You can ask him if he communicates with her currently and see if he lies to you or not. Depending on how you got to see the letters, you can handle it from there. You can explain to him that you still think about how he has this other woman in his life and that it still bothers you and get his reaction. Or you can wait it out to see when the right time is to bring it up. There really isn't a right answer, you have to go with your gut feeling on when and how to bring it up with him based on the information that you know and that he knows you know.