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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, I have a question id like to ask you about myself, and

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Hi, I have a question i'd like to ask you about myself, and my relationship, Here is the story. I have just recently (2-3 months ago), got out a 2 year relationship, where neither of us were happy, were fighting all the time, and I found out she was cheating on me. I Just the other day got back into the dating pool, and found a really amazing girl, Who i have so much in common with, and make me feel like i have never felt before, But i have a problem. I'm 20 years old, and i don't view sex, like "my generation" does, and by that I mean, how i personally feel that sex is only worth having if you love the person, rather than what "my generation" seems to feel, where sex is just something you do with someone you find physically attractive, I knew one day i'd have to come to terms with this and look past people's past, that i want to be in a relationship with, but I never expected for this to happen so soon. Also "in my opinion" it gets worse, the woman i am in a relationship with now, not only has had sex with other guys and girls, one of them is a family member, that i am very close with. My question is should this be bothering me like it should, should i try to find someone who shares my views about sex and love as i see it, I know relationships are about compromise and not focusing on the past, but i feel that it will constantly cause me grief, and constant insecurities about, whether I'm "good enough in bed" compared to her previously relationships, with my family member being included, who she is still very good friends with, I realize that this is a very long message, and question, and i have rambled on a lot, but any advice, about the relationship, me and my views/insecurities, i will be thankful for.

~Sincerely
John C.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

The past is the past and some people either chose to tell your their past because they feel they should be honest with the person they are with. This builds trust and is a good start because the girl was open and honest about her past.

Deardebra :

She wanted you to know and I am sure she was worried about how you would react specially if she knows how you feel about intimacy.

Deardebra :

You should not even be thinking about wether your good in bed or not because when you love someone that is all that matters, it is different when you love someone. It is not about performance it is about being close to the one you truly love.

Customer:

Unfortunately I didn't clarify which i should have, She didn't tell me, she hasn't told me much about her past relationships, it was actually the family member, who was intimate with her in the past bragging about it.

Deardebra :

Ok, that was wrong on the family members part about bragging. But you do have strong beliefs and it will be hard for you to see past her past.

Deardebra :

The reason is because this might be what you think about and not focus on the relationship.

Customer:

Is it stupid for something like that to bother me?

Deardebra :

No, not at all.

Deardebra :

It is very normal.

Customer:

I've already broken out of my shell in so many ways, with this person, told her things i've never told anybody, felt things i've never felt, I know there is no such thing as being perfect for each other

Customer:

I jsut never imagined that the thing that could be wrong, would be so big

Customer:

Should i talk to her about it, that i know about her and my family members past?

Deardebra :

It sounds like you are very comfortable with her and that is good. Yes, I would talk with her and mention that a family member mentioned you.

Deardebra :

You want to make sure that the family member is telling you the correct story.

Customer:

That's true, i didn't eevn think of that

Customer:

Well thank you so much for your advice, I really needed it.

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