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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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my husband was emptying the contents of the house from some

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my husband was emptying the contents of the house from some furniture by putting items in the garage to be picked up and discarded by the township. He also was angry and raged today, when I pointed out that he wasn't taking the laundry out only his own. This is a passive aggressive behavior typical of him just like he will only vacuum an area of the house that doesn't need to be vacuumed or will do something in the kitchen but leave it half dirty. he is deliberately trying to set me up by making himself look like he's helpful around the house but its really manipulating because and making things more difficult. For example, he will wash two dishes and claim to have he cleaned the kitchen when the counters are dirty and so is the floor, so it's a game. well what he did was put my son's computer chair out on the front lawn. He didn't have any logical reason that I know of to do that. so when he left the house I saw it and ask my son while I was there but he didn't know why. If he was throwing it out then it should be in the garage with the other furniture. so I asked my son to bring it back into the house, so I have a chair to sit on in front of the computer. I also said to my son that this was passive aggressive behavior and it didn't make any sense. I told him it reminded me of a movie called The Gaslight gaslighting, and he told me Mom that's enough. I didn't elaborate however I don't know why he is shutting me down. I know he doesn't want to take sides and he doesn't want to be involved. however not saying anything about such weird behavior wouldn't be normal either. why is he not accepting this or is it because he wants to stay in denial of his fathers ways, or just doesn't want to hear about it? He didn't even make any comments about his raging. if Dad is acting and behaving inappropriately and I think my 18 year old son shouldn't have to wear blinders. is he just tired of the whole thing? I can't help but feel he should at least acknowledge Dads bad actions or behaviors. don't get me wrong we get along very well at least he treats me good. however it feels like he's taking dad side Insight appreciated

Deardebra : It seems like he is used to his dad behavior.
Deardebra : Some times your son does not want to get you more upset so he doesn't say anything almost like he does not want to bring attention to the behavior. I do not think he is taking sides I feel he didn't want to bring attention to the situation.
Deardebra : It is good that you have a good relationship with your son and it is good that you do talk with him about his dad because it helps you both understand what us happening.
Deardebra : He also might not of wanted to get involved hoping that things would settle down.
Deardebra : what you need to do with your husband is tell your husband about what he is doing.
Deardebra : What I want you to do is tell him thank you for cleaning the two plates. Thank you for vacuuming then he will see that you noticed what he has been doing.
Deardebra : it founds like he wants you to notice him, but he is doing very little like just doing a few dishes but leaving the kitchen dirty.
Deardebra : But he is doing it to try to prove that he is helping.
Deardebra : So I feel like you should praise him for what he is doing, see if that changes things he might begin to do more.
Deardebra : I feel your son knows and accepts his dad behavior because I feel he looks at his dad as his dad. He does not want to see his dad in that way so I feel he ignores the behavior.
Deardebra : I would talk to your son about how you feel. It will help him understand.
Deardebra : I feel your son just wants to understand a know what is going on with his dad. He might be confused and not know how to talk about it. So it helps to talk.
Deardebra : then if you tell your feeling then he might share his feelings as well.

Thank you for reply.


unfortunately I'm must say that they are dynamics I'm not sure that you understand


I will pose this question to a therapist tomorrow


thank you very much for your time in any regard

Deardebra : You welcome if you have anymore questions I will be happy to help you. Thank you again for your question.
Deardebra : If you need any help with understanding passive aggressive behavior I would be happy to help you as well thank you again.
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