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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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My wonderful, intense, romantic and very enjoyable relationship

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My wonderful, intense, romantic and very enjoyable relationship has quickly turned to a nightmare in three months. We have been together for over a year, moved to a new city together and ended up going through a lot of traumatic and hard situations during the move and after (family issues, health issues, legal issues). We are trying to hold it together, but three months ago I did something that has caused him not to trust me anymore. I was drinking heavily when this happened and simply said some things that I would never have said sober, and truly do not even know how I said them. I quickly stopped drinking and have remained sober ever since so that I would not repeat this horrendous thing. He, however, has continued to drink. He gets very drunk, sometimes for days at a time, is very verbally abusive and has "kicked me out" twice, where I have literally had my things packed in boxes and then he somewhat sobers up and begs me to stay, apologizing for his actions. After three months of this, he has recently said that it is all stemming from the incident that caused him not to trust me three months ago and does not know if he will be able to trust me again, but we would like to try and get help because we still love each other very much. I am just confused because although what I did was not a good thing, I have made action to prevent it from ever happening again and apologized sincerely XXXXX XXXXX Since I said these things while I was drunk three months ago, he has said ten times more hurtful and abusive things on a regular basis but yet is using this incident three months ago to justify all of it. I honestly think he has a serious alcohol problem and trust issues, and I do not know if they can be worked through or how willing he is to realize that the problem is him. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I have over 10 years of experience working with relationship problems.

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Despite the fact that you are willing to take responsibility for what happened three months ago, in order for your relationship to move forward he is going to have to be the one to forgive you for that and stop using it as justification to mistreat you. It sounds like his drinking problem is only making this problem worse, especially if he is a different person when he is sober.

It's certainly possible to work through these problems, but a large part of that is dependent on him recognizing how his behavior is contributing to the issue so that he can take some personal responsibility for those things. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, then it is unfair of him to expect you to continue to put up with the way he has treated you. At the same time if he seems motivated to work through these problems that is certainly encouraging, and as long as there is open communication you can start to talk about what needs to change in order to make this relationship work. If you're stuck it may be a big help to go to couple's counseling in order to help you both get back on the same page. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know,

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