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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Confused Ex girlfriend/ friend/ break

Customer Question

Feel like my insides are being ripped apart my ex girlfriend / lady friend I dont know what we are at this point broke up with me on Tuesday said this relationship is over from what I presume stress of finals weeks and I getting drunk the night before and blowing up her phone wanting to spend time with her. No contact just the occasional hey I'm here I know your busy like before I think what threw her off this time was the drunk pestering never happened before. Plus I lied to her about being drunk confessed the day of her graduation she told me dont think because you confessed everything is ok. I understand she had a hectic schedule the day of her graduation Friday She ended up inviting me I was hanging out with her sons and entire family I got dressed up in my suit got her flowers the whole nine even bought her son a birthday present since it was on the same day as graduation. During the graduation it was a bit strange not knowing how much space to give her since she was trying to spend time with me but at the same time I felt like she was pushing me away a bit to say the least. In a way I felt like she was taking the lead rather than the other way around weird. We flirted a bit, after the graduation she had an after party which I ask if I could go just to have a little extra fun. She said shell think about it 20 minutes later text me "I hear you, but want my own space and I appreciate your presence at my graduation" I responded with no thank you necessary and I respect your space I will give your space. She ended up texting me drunk asking me to pick her up at 230 in the morning. I had my daughter with me that night so I brought her along as well we had been always sleeping at her house anyways prior to the break up so I assume no big deal helping out a drunk stranded ex I guess just really wanted to spend time with her ended up taking to long she left text me asking me if I was there on my way and she ultimately was leaving and on her way home, I called her said hey lets meet up we can talk or whatever she told me what makes you think your invited ultimately she agreed. I Ended up at her place cuddled a bit / talked a little but she was drunk tired I tried for more but said she did not call me for that so we cuddled. Woke up in a rush since she had to pick up her sons from baby sitter couldn't look me in the eye, I asked her if she was gonna be around later to drop off the rest of her sons birthday present she was out of it obviously since had drunk the night before. What do I do text her later this morning saying hey I enjoyed our cuddle time, whats for break task, lets do break fast when you recover or hey if you are available id like to swing by and drop off the present or completely ignore her until later tonight I'm so confused to say the least not sure why I feel so weird not picking up on her vibes plus first time I've seem her wearing a thong seems to me shes not sure of our break up wants me around until someone replaces me I dont know. Soul mate, one I plan to marry, feel what shes feeling just really confused.

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

This is a time of transition for her. He has just graduated and moving into a new role with a change in her life. Right now, everythig is up in the air, even your relationship. She did "end" it, but not realy, because you are still the one she can call and count on when she is in trouble. That is a very strong link. How many people like that do you have in YOUR life?

I know that you want to call her, and she may respond positively out of obligation for your kindness and friendship. I believe, however, that you have shown her great regard and love and caring and friendship and you do not have to remind her that you are there.

It would be more instantly gratifying for you to call her. I imagine that you find it very stressful to just wait and like to be pro-active. It is a natural instinct for you.

It is less so for her. She has put herself in this spot, either intentionally, or unsconsciously because she is confused about her future - all of it, including you.

She may want you to call her. Hopefully she does and hopefully she will feel some remorse and pain if you do not call her until later.

You have figuratively led the horse to the trough, but you cannot make her drink. It would be better for your relationship, assuming it is still viable (and that is still a good assumption) if you gave her the space and let the pressure build within her for you do call.

If she does not get the expected call there will build a pressure on her to call you back.

This is not "playing games", but rather is a sound psychological principal of letting her understand that relationships must work in both directions.

Giving her some "space" will not blow the relationship and perhaps may strengthen it.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards


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