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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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My husband brought up large fan which I didn,t want in the

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My husband brought up large fan which I didn,t want in the kitchen. He left and I called him and said it was dusty and too powerful. This morning the fan was brought up as he thought he was being helpful and can.t do anything without my ok. He is very angry and said he was thinking about divorce the last few months (I don't know where this came from-he does this when he is mad at me) He already called me an asshole becausr I/ve been on him over this stupid fan. Not sure what to make of this. If I fight back, he will really turn mean. I beleive he was trying to help, but all of this over a fan?
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I have over 10 years of experience working with relationship problems.

It does sound like an overreaction on your husband's part about the fan. Typically when something trivial like this causes such a negative reaction, it is because your husband was already frustrated or upset leading up to this point, and this was the incident that pushed him over the edge of his frustration level. I can certainly understand your apprehension about bringing up the discussion about the fan again, however when you do talk to him it may be helpful to try and figure out why this situation has made him so upset in the first place. You may be able to say to him, "I know I made you angry with my reaction to the fan, but I didn't think it was a big deal, and I'm trying to understand why this caused you to get so upset," or something like that, and perhaps that will open up some dialog for the two of you to start to discuss the root of why this caused him to get so angry in the first place. Perhaps he sincerely XXXXX XXXXX to help, and if that's the case, the issue may be mostly about him feeling like his effort was appreciated.

Often times when people feel unappreciated it is typically a misunderstanding that has caused them to feel like that, and sometimes that just needs some clarification for both people to get back on the same page. Either way, in order to solve this it would be important to have a calm and rational conversation about it. Right now if you know it would only turn into a fight, it may be best to pick a time when he seems like he has cooled off and you can have an open discussion about the problem that led up to this point. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Is it typical to bring up divorce during things like this? He has done this in the past, does it stem from being angry or is there more to it? he does have a history out of getting mad about things, but has gotten better. Should I blame myselft that I brought up the fan about 3 times. Then I said I didn't want him to be mad about it and that just triggers more angry.

It may be possible that you brought up the fan too many times, but it also seems like even if you did that he could have also handled the situation better, so perhaps there were things that you both could have done differently. When people get really mad they may threaten divorce or say things they don't mean, but that is a problem that needs to be addressed so that it doesn't continue to happen. The fact that an argument about a fan could turn into him threatening divorce does make it seem like it stems from a larger issue that he is angry about. Most likely there is more to it and it would be important to figure out what that is so that you can both start working on it together. That is going to require him to communicate with you, and be able to talk without getting angry. I certainly wouldn't hesitate to meet with a couple's counselor in order to help you both get back on the same page again if you find that you continue to run into problems. All the best,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX as today goes, if he chooses not to talk to me, should i do the same. Usually aftef a day or so he comes around. I am not going to bring up the fan or anything heavy, I just want to give him his space. What do you recommed, so that the weekend isn;t shot.

No problem, if this has been helpful and you wouldn't mind leaving me a positive review I'd appreciate it. As far as today goes, if he chooses not to talk to you, it is probably best to give him his space, especially if you know that he typically comes around in a day or so. I know you don't want the weekend to be shot, but you also may not get much productive out of him until he has calmed down. At some point you may be able to let him know that you're willing to talk whenever he's ready, but that if he still needs space that's ok too. If you've been able to do that, you know that you've at least communicated that you're open to resolve this, and then you can decide how you want to handle it based on his response. Hang in there,

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