Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am available to assist you.
I'm sorry for your struggle in your relationship.
It gets more difficult and complicated when there is a child involved.
Do you worry that you will not get equal rights to the child if you split up?
Are you available for a live chat?
i am here thank you expert
Great- thanks for joining me
I am so happy chatting, like a heart relieve for me cause my life is at the stage i don't really like
have been someone with great values and future all the days of my life before i got into this relationship
I'm glad to help and support you during a difficult time. Heart relieve- I like that!
did you read my question very well expert
I read it through- yes
baby involved isn't making it easy but how do i go about it please expert?
cause i want to take care of my son and be a father to him everyday of his life but i don't want to have anything with the mother in terms of love and relationship
and again what are the steps and ways to go through this, i want to deal with this maturely and make no troubles please... just maturely
As difficult as it is you must follow what is in your heart. Would she have the power to take the baby from you? She as the mother will have equal rights- unlikely you would see baby every day of his life. I'm sorry I know this is very difficult.
Most important is to find out your legal rights as a father.
We are both from Nigeria and our traditions back home says when a son is 6year old father have the legal right and up right stand to have baby finally if during the 6years relationship falled out
In America custody of children is usually equal for both parents when they split. Because you are a good father, no reason you should have the child taken from you if you leave her. Have you and the child's mother tried to work things out? You sound like you are at the end of this relationship. When he is 6 you would have full legal right?
Seriously i am not happy in the relationship even how we met if i think of how everything went way back she really disgust me and i feel like am in a waste land
but i love my son but sincerely XXXXX XXXXX someone with heartless heart and never for once feel how you feel when she talks or behave, she acts like there's nothing i can do and i have no choice cause baby involved which was her plan from the unset to get me into this
I can understand your struggle in this for sure! Do you have any legal right to the child before the age of 6? Does she know you want out of the relationship? She disgusts you- you can not forgive her? What do friends and family tell you to do? Do you have good support? She may be talking "big", trying to intimate you, control you when she may not have so much control. Is she a good mother? It's more difficult for you because you care so much- it hurts a lot. You may have to make the tough decisions and leave, and remain in your child's life some how. I'm sorry I ask so many questions. It may help me better help you- knowing more about this.
yes pls ask any question
Yes i can always see my child anytime anyday i want to see him
my son would be british and can see me anytime here
she doesn't know i want too break up the relationship yet
If you can see your child anytime what makes this so difficult- is it breaking up the family- his parents? The best you can do is be honest with her. Do you have people, friends, or family, who would support you breaking off the relationship?
my mum is back home and dad and also hers
What is your biggest fear or worry ending this relationship?
but family won't want too cause they don't really understand much
my fear is that the baby is just 2months but honestly ever since she told me she's pregnant for one day i have never had REAL LOVE inside me for her but play a mine game
I hear you saying the only option for you is to end that relationship.
If you do not have real love inside for her that answers your question of what you must do. Your biggest worry is for the baby- of course! You love your son.
Another fear is she might as well build in some bad impression to my son just to show me her bad ways cause she mentioned that some months ago even before baby comes and if her let her go to nigeria but to be honest with everything i sent to you and explained do you think she's also in love from the start cause we only know for 1yr and 5months and we have a 2months old baby
How do you think she will respond to you ending the relationship? Do you feel love from her in any way?
Your son will know the truth from you that you are a good person, a good father.
she's a good pretender that's what i notice
yes but she also mentioned she won't let me be father to him and play ma role
we was talking about it like a joke but i catch the truth out of that, in a way ever since i knew i don't love her and won't marry her there's a way i get to find words out of her mouth
She will say those things- that she won't let you be father- to scare you- to prevent you from leaving..
You will find a way to be a father to your son- she can not stop that. Some of this is hard to predict, until you were to actually leave her. Her making threats to you may be part of the "pretending", pretending she has a lot of power- to control you. She will try anything to get you to stay- be prepared for that.
Leaving her takes courage- being afraid but doing what you need to anyway. You have to be brave and believe it will work out well, have faith it will turn out as it needs to. You love and care for your son- your son will always know that. No matter what she tells him, he will know in his own heart you love him. She does not have the power to take the father away from his son.
Trust that the truth will come out in the end- your son will know you love him because you do love him so. If you feel compelled to stay with her longer- would she go to counseling with you to try and work things out? I get the sense you do not have hope it can get better with her.
Are you still there?
Leaving her- you would be ending the relationship with her, not your son.
you there please/
yes am here
i have feelings for her as a woman but no LOVE and i think same as her, we do have sex, i notice she have feelings but not LOVE cause she had everything planned from the beginning and one day she said her wish has always been having baby in either USA or UK so that also helped me to understand that it's not really love from the beginning but cause i am in the UK.. and also many of her friend roll in that style as well and a friend of hers also tried hooking up with a friend of mine cause of the good life she sees her friend is into, that also opened my eyes also then and even killed more deep feelings to her all though she never supported it but she still supported later on cause it was her best friend that tried hooking up with my best friend as well but later didn't work cause he noticed she got a man friend down here in in UK and they called it off.
Is there any chance she cares more than you realize?
Would she go see a counselor with you to help the two of you sort this out?
there was a day we was talking that i am not really happy doing everything that in relationship every woman need to meet there man half way which i do understand due to her immigration status she can't work but finally i didn't let that bother me , being the one doing all and the next thing she would say one day is that.... do i know some men don't even like there woman to work at all even if she can work...i smiled but didn't act to it and argue i said it true just to not let her know i get what she's trying to say
Unless she is more open and honest with you- you do not know for sure how she feels. You might be surprised how she really feels- is it possible do you think she feels more for you? May want to try talking more honestly with her to know more from her.
trust me she doesn't feel more for me
I then understand why you want to leave.
Yes i really need to leave if i have to be honest with myself, now this stopped me from facing my education, stopped since she came into my life
If you decided to leave what would the first step have to be? Would she or you leave? Being in a relationship with a woman you do not love, nor loves you, is not good for your son either.
I really don't know and that is why i had to come on here
Ending the relationship and leaving will be hard- of course- but if it's something you must do- it will pay off in the end- better things ahead for you.
what's going to be the first step to stop this relationship and feeling involved with us both and bong
Before you end the relationship- making plans ahead of time where you will go- or if you are asking her to leave- helping her arrange for a place to go.
The first step is telling her you want out
You have to be honest- if not telling her, write her a letter maybe?
No matter what leaving will cause lots of "drama"- no avoiding that.
but i don't want us to be in same country i don't mind paying the cost to go see my son when i want to, but sincerely XXXXX XXXXX somewhere to go shouldn't be my own problem or is it because she'a having my baby so i have to produce to ger where she would live and would be the one to keep supporting her when she would move on with life, i think it should be care over my baby alone which isn't a bad act
That's where the courage comes in- knowing it is really difficult to make that step to leave- but doing it, because it's something you know you must do. Yes- she can make arrangements of where she can go- to her family?
we are never married just relationship cause she was pregnant but sincerely XXXXX XXXXX it's not sounding nice i still be in power of her finances while we are not together again
You have no legal obligation to support her- but the baby right? Do you think it would be less complicated if you left the country, is that something you are considering?
If legally you do not have to pay for her- only the baby- do that.
am thinking of leaving the country for her or she leaves the country for me cause, are you saying it's legal i pay for the rent cause of my baby
What if you told her you need a separation? Would that ease your way out? Leave and then tell her later you want out for good? If you were to leave it might help you to think more clear about what direction you want to go- while you are separated- There is a lot for you to think about- it's not easy- it's a process to think about. No- paying money to "help" her care for the baby- not her.
Giving her a certain amount of money each month to "help" support the baby's needs.
Yes have been doing that, anything i do is not for her just all for the baby
Yes- that's all you need to be responsible for.
I do not know how helpful I have been. This is difficult. You sound like it is time to make a specific plan to leave. Write out what you want to do and take the steps to make that happen.
Being upfront and honest with her might be best.
we are never married, we only into relationship but everyday it has never been a happy day for me for 24hours something will just tell me off even if right now we good together one moment she just gonna do stuffs that will put me off again and i feel very upset i have ever met her or impregnated her cause believe me she doesn't worth to be respected
Telling her: "I can not be in this relationship anymore and I'm making plans to leave".
she would manipulate me
she got sense than me
Yes, she will "try" and manipulate you- but you can still leave.
she's too deep and she really knows her way
Try to remind yourself she is "manipulating" not necessarily speaking the TRUTH.
am not sure telling her i want to leave is the best cause tears make me feel am hurting people and with that it's hard for me too
have done many times but won't work cause i have little feelings but this time sincerely XXXXX XXXXX me i want it to work
Of course she will tell you things- say things to try and keep you there- prepare for that. Whatever she says remind yourself it's her "manipulating". Of course it is hard- we do not want to hurt people. Would it be easier to call it a separation?
You want "leaving" to work?
What do you mean when you say "I want it to work?"
i mean i want to quite this time to work
Even if you are afraid- and you know she will manipulate- set your plan into place with few words with her.
i have been trying to go out of this for months now but should i use the word am afraid
Please i really need steps and guidance
It may be easier then for you to leave- less complicated- and can do it quicker verses waiting for her to make plans to leave.
Your first step is to identify where you will go, then make travel arrangements.
Maybe more worried and anxious than afraid?
I just want to stop loving her and go on my way and will never wish her bad..but do you think this won't affect my son care but i do believe we both have the baby and if she loves the baby as well she shouldn't say cause we not together then she's not going to give him best care when av agreed and reading to take responsibility of my baby 100% but not her
Your son will be cared for. You have to have faith that things will work out- it sounds so important right now for you to leave.
Whats' the harm in calling it a separation. Telling her you need to leave for a time to think things through?
Another problem is i miss my son and i will like to see him even that alone gets me to calm down when i am about making up my mind which is really slowing this down from working for me and does that mean if i don't see my son through out this break up fight am getting into does that mean am a wicked father or don't love him
You love your son there is not doubting that- very apparent you love him with all your heart.
Sadly lots of parents split- kids are tough and resilient.
i love him to the extend of selling my property to give him a life but i don't love the mother and don't ever want to anymore
This is so difficult because you care so much for your son!
The hardest part will be taking the first step to leave- to separate. She can not "make" you stay- she will try and manipulate but you can still leave.
My son is just 2months old and can't know nothing now, don't u think i fight the leaving now and how long do you think it would take me to leave and forget about her finally.. you know during this time i won't see my son at all
Is there someone who you can talk to more about this- friend or family member? Someone who can help you take the steps to move/leave. The other option is to stay- I'm not hearing you say that is an option. Leaving will be hard- and take time for you to feel better after you leave. That's why it's important for you to have support.
I have been trying to follow the flows for 1yr and 5months now expert but i am human being am tired cause now it's irritating me and causing me act voilent to my own self
Yes it's getting to you because it sounds like you know you must leave?
You've tried to go with the flow, but that does not work anymore.
i can't stay
You must be good to yourself- take care of yourself- this would be hard for anyone in the same situation. Leaving will be hard, but it will get better- with time.
Is there someone who is a good support to you?
i have to leave but i can't leave the country for her but i can leave the house for her till she leaves the country and i move back to the house.
i don't really want to involve any family or friend cause they later mock around, i just believe expert on here can help and best way to save yourself from word of mouth
You "can't stay"- that's a good step- leaving the house until she leaves- sounds very reasonable.
i want her to know it's my decision and no one else into this
Look for a place soon, a place you can move to. That would be the first step.
because now i found out i don't have no regard for her outside and inside
I think you know what you must do- but also know it will not be easy- but you must still do it.
I do need to go in a few minutes-
if you permit me to say this, few days ago we was about having sex, and we started and something just turned me off and i felt irritated and stood up and wore my cloth with no feelings of wanting sex cause i was so turned off and she's beautiful but cause i don't love no more it was hard to cope on
This reaction to having sex- "turn off" reinforces the need to go it sounds like.
when is the best time to come and chat with you again, I will set myself up to move on now and leave for her till she leaves but please how can i hold to this action and act finally without changing my mind again or trying to suffer my heart and thinking back trying to follow the flows which isn't working
Can you make phone calls, or go looking for a place soon? That would be a good first step.
When we are done- you can re read this post anytime even after accepting/rating my answer. Also write down your plan when we are done, and look at it often.
This time of day is best for me it's 7:30 p.m. here
i can make phone calls
I'm central time in the United States
do you take phone calls as well
yes, make phone calls- no I can only communicate this way
You can post a question anytime- but I'm available this time most days
ok good.. and everything we spoke about is there a way for me to keep reading it everyday please
Would you be so kind to rate my answer okay or higher so I can get credit- much appreciated!!
Yes you can log in an go to your questions. If you have trouble customer service can help. I'm separate from customer service.
Your service is good then after moving on finally cause you are the person to help me though out the months it would take and i don't mind the cause then later rate you excellent at the end of the move on
You can read it everyday- I'm quite sure. When you post a question ask for me: "20pluscounts"
Thank you for your post- best wishes to you. Take good care of yourself.
yes sure i will always
please on more questions?
What can i do to make sure i don't change my mind from acting and moving on and stop the act of following the flows as it's not helping cause it's better for her to go move on with another man that would love her with her personalties but myself i can't and also what would i do to make sure i move on expert
When we are done- re read this post, and then write yourself a goal about your plan, and look at it when you doubt, or worry you will change your mind.
Re reading this will be a good reminder.
You've expressed yourself well-
This process helps to sort things out- and remind yourself why you must leave.
How do i write myself a goal about my plan plese
Do not be too hard on yourself. A simple goal: "I will take the necessary steps (identify what they are) such as making those phone calls, in order to reach my goal to be a happier person"
"I need to go, even though I am uncomfortable, I will be brave"-- something like that
It's natural to doubt and worry- but keep reminding yourself the reasons you need to go. Make a list of why you need to go. A pros and cons list maybe.
The pros and cons of leaving vs. staying.
You are identifying more cons and writing them will remind you of that.
Best wishes to you, take care!!
ok thank you so much expert you have done alot
will do as you say
Goodnight or good day, whatever it may be.
and stay in touch regularly
I'm glad to help
Thank you so much, bye for now and chat with you tomorrow same time
ok- will look for your question tomorrow
I do appreciate a positive rating!
ok then bye for now