Dr. Norman Brown : Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart.
Dr. Norman Brown : Well, what is her reason for saying she can't trust you? Could she think you flirt with other girls? Is talking online the way you met her? and also the way she has now met another girl? How much do you know about HER and her past history with other girls? How old are you? and how old is she?
Dr. Norman Brown : Singing to her should melt any girl's heart!
Dr. Norman Brown : If she says she can't trust you, and SHE is already talking to another girl who's coming to visit, how can you trust her? If you can't trust her now, how is writing her love letters and singing to her going to make you trust her? If you really love her now, does she really love you? Maybe she thinks she can keep you hanging on to her while she plays with the other girl. And if you write her love letters and sing her songs, she'll just know for sure that she can keep you desperate to hold onto her and have you back after the other girl goes back home.
Dr. Norman Brown : Feeling desperate to keep the love you thought you had feels AWFUL. Have you done anything to justify her mistrust? If she has NO REASON to believe you have done anything flirty, then SHE's the one who's betraying you, and she might just play with you and use you for as long as you're too desperate to understand what she's doing to you ON PURPOSE.
Customer: Yes, I went for drinks and brought a man I dont really no home. But we didnt have sex, but she thinks we did, coz she said how do i know?
Customer: Yes, I think she thinks that Im flirting with my ex
Customer: no, we met at a club 3 -4 months ago
Customer: I think she met her online
Dr. Norman Brown : OH. That's REALLY scary for a lesbian to know that her girlfriend is bisexual and could "turn straight on her" at any time. You really DO have a problem.
Customer: I know that she had 1 and a half year relationships before me and the week she moved out of her house she met me
Customer: I am 20, she is 19
Dr. Norman Brown : Was your ex also a man?
Customer: I was thinking about my bisexuality but it always comes to lesbian thing, I am not interested in men.
Customer: a woman
Customer: I date women for 7 years already
Customer: and never had relationships with the man
Customer: Well if I shouldnt do all the things that I planned to do...
Customer: what do I do?
Customer: just disappear? (which I had in my mind)
Dr. Norman Brown : If she met you right out of her 1.5 yr relationship, then she was needing to feel loved herself, and needing to feel that you loved those parts of her that her ex didn't like. So you have been her healer, and people always unconsciously choose for a healer someone who loves them more than they love her--straight people and gay & lesbians.
Customer: But she broke up with her for a reason, she didnt like her, and when we met first we didn't even date for a month or so, only after we started going out
Customer: what if this girl she's talking to a healer?
Customer: I am trying to think of the way to turn it arround
Customer: she still says she loves me and cares about me...
Dr. Norman Brown : So her fear of your going to bed with a man would have revived her fear of being dumped like she was in her previous 1.5 year relationship--it would mean to her that she was not safe with your love after all. And that's the thing the wounded girl wants to avoid. I'll get to what to do in a minute.
Dr. Norman Brown : Did SHE dump her ex or did her ex dump her--or cheat on her?
Customer: Yes I think you are soo right
Customer: no, she dumped her ex girlfriend because she was controlling her too much and getting crazy about it, made her friends look after her, tracking advises and things
Dr. Norman Brown : OK so she was growing up and needed to not feel like she was back in her family of origin having to follow parental rules, like she was in prison.
Customer: yes I think so
Dr. Norman Brown : But for her to summon another girl that quickly to come visit is very uncaring towards you!
Customer: exactly, thats what I said to her
Dr. Norman Brown : SHE seems very desperate to feel that somebody loves her too.
Customer: all she said is sorry and that she wants to meet her, but she doesn't know if she want to date her
Customer: she's saying she's cute, and she thinks about her constantly and talking
Customer: but at the same time when we talk she says"damn we are a perfect couple"
Customer: "wish we could just be ok, coz I don't remember why we fought and wish we could change it all coz we are so good for each other, why would we do it?"
Customer: thats her words
Dr. Norman Brown : That's the huge danger that the Internet makes in everyone's life: that what you say on the internet and the cute pictures you can post are VERY seductive and there's no natural triggers for the shyness and caution that you feel in person (when you're not too drunk).
Customer: so what do you think I can do?
Customer: I know there are some psychological ways to make her realize that our relationships are bigger and we can work it out
Dr. Norman Brown : One thing is this: Keep talking to her online yourself, and tell her about the things you love about her and the things you remember fondly XXXXX XXXXX done together. (and remind her that you didn't do anything with that man, and you've never dated one ever) You can make her feel SO loved by you that she wouldn't want to lose you no matter what.
Customer: so the letters are not a better idea?
Customer: coz I know she loves letters :)
Customer: and yes I will always remind her that nothing happened.
Dr. Norman Brown : You can also say "I know you're scared that I could cheat on you, and I hate it that anything I did gave you reason to feel scared. But I'm also scared that you will cheat on me with this girl you've invited to visit you. So both you and I know how awful it feels to be scared that the one you love can and might cheat on you. I don't want you to feel that way ever again, and I can't stand the fear myself either."
Customer: It makes so much sense
Customer: You are helping a lot now... do you have any more thoughts about it?
Dr. Norman Brown : If she likes letters, then do it that way. I suggested short emails or texts, because that way you can remind her 2 or 3 times a DAY of what you love about her and your relationship together. I've emphasized above that you're feeling the same fear that she has felt, so you're together in your fear as well as in your love for each other.
Dr. Norman Brown : That piece on fear is a central pleading for healing of each other, so I'd say that just once, and say more different other remembrances. But if she replies at all about the fear, then you can meet over your common fears. And that fear is a stronger force--that you can balance by writing what you'll do to make her feel safe with you again, and what she can do to make YOU feel safe with her again.
Dr. Norman Brown : When she broke up with her ex and left that home, she probably also felt like an orphan and very scared for herself--because she WAS loved, because very possessive love is very safe, even tho it's also a stifling prison. The other girl must have been much older--so she may have acted like a good mother to your girlfriend. Mothering each other is often a very important thing that lesbians do in their loving. So IF you know she loves that "good mothering" then in your fond remembrances mention some of the motherly things you loved to do for her (like cooking, cuddling, etc. you'll know better than I can).
Customer: That makes sense , and yes she was much older than her
Customer: and she cooked for her...
Customer: and i know what she liked, so maybe I can cook for her
Dr. Norman Brown : If you don't like to cook, maybe you can cook WITH her. Lesbians of about the same age can both mother each other, sometimes in different ways. Maybe one of you likes to knit, one likes to make flower arrangements or funny love-cards, and you know she likes love-letters. Just don't put yourself beneath her, because you're her equal and you know that.
Customer: Ok, but how can I make sure Im not beneath her?
Dr. Norman Brown : If you write about how you know she's scared of your possible flirting or cheating and you're scared of her doing the same thing--that's saying your both equal in being scared of losing each other.
Customer: ok, now I got it, I'll give her a letter saying that today :)
Customer: and she really wanted to put one type of blinds in our place, maybe I should do that :)
Dr. Norman Brown : I'm thinking too of NOT saying "I don't want you to meet this other girl" because that could sound like her echoes of her ex. But you could say, "I don't want to lose you to this other girl who's been making you feel good." But the less you mention the other girl the better, so it might be best to never mention her at all.
Dr. Norman Brown : But just keep writing her short stuff 2 times a day (in addition to one letter) as if you're keeping your "home fires burning for her" and you're actually loving her actively in those little messages 2-3 times a day. That's really you, that's the kind of loving you feel, and you're just saying it without trying to be person-to-person together with her--and mentioning once or twice "I can't wait to see you again." So she could end up looking forward more to seeing YOU again than she does now to seeing this sweet-talking stranger. That's wooing her. [I wooed my wife with 10-15 poems over the first 6-9 months of our relationship in 1984-5, and she had been an English major in college, so it's a precious heritage that we have. Have you ever tried to write your love-notes in free-verse poetry form? It's fun.]
Dr. Norman Brown : That's about all I've got--and I've really enjoyed brainstorming with you, and want you to live happily ever after
Customer: thank you soo much! It inspired me ! and I think everything turns out great!