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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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So here it goes: My ex boyfriend and I were together for a

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So here it goes: My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year, he and his best chick friend moved in with me for the last 4 months of our relationship. We fought constantly, and most of it was from not having enough space from each other and my own insecurities. He was planning on moving out even before the break up took place and I took that personally as well, even though it would have been better if I respected the fact that it was a good idea for our relationship. So up until this weekend we had had about 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks of being broken up. Me not texting or calling him was killing him and he started reaching out, making up excuses of reasons to come and see me. Finally I agreed and he came over to grab a few of his things that he had left here.

He showed up with flowers for the apartment and a nervous smile on his face. We talked and hung out for about an hour and it was not awkward at all and nice to catch up. One thing led to the next and suddenly we were in my bed, laying there talking and cuddling. I asked him if he missed me and he responded "you have no idea, so much, especially yesterday because I had such a tough day at work and I know that doesnt make sense but its been hard" He also asked who the flowers were from on my dresser, which I bought for myself, but when I told him that he didn't quite believe me. So then he started touching me and i pulled away and again he said "are you seeing someone else or something?" and of course i said no. So then we started kissing and then we had sex. Afterwords we laid in my bed and kept talking and he asked me truthfully how I have really been and I told him "honestly I have been really great, the past two weeks I have felt like I have really gotten myself back and started doing alot of the things I used to enjy as well as picking up new hobbies and friends etc.." and i asked him how bout him. And he said "i have been happy just overwhelmed and lonely I havent made any new friends and its been hard" I held my composure all day long through my words and actions until the sex happened. And I want to be back together with him so badly but I feel like I may have ruined my chances by having sex with him. He sent me a nonsense text yesterday asking where he could buy a hotplate which I didnt respond to but now I feel really confused about whats going on, and I dont know if I should just ignore him or try to talk about what happened or what to do.

He never did pick up any of the stuff he came to get so I know hell be back for it, I dont know when. But I dont want to make the same mistake again unless we are back together. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you're going through this confusion around your ex. It seems that you feel the sex has ruined any chance of you both trying again - now that you've managed to get back to how you used to be. This doesn't have to be the case but you do need to talk to him and communicate your feelings. He sounds as though he's struggled a bit too, regarding socializing and also regarding getting on with things (his reference to feeling lonely).

You could prepare something by writing it out and perhaps conveying to him whether he feels it would be worth trying again. However, you need to be careful that you don't get hurt in this process by opening yourself up to an extent whereby you have misread the signals. The sex may well have been a way for you both to reconnect again (due to loneliness and the familiarity of each other), but it may not signify much more than that for either one of you, so it'd be important to not become hurt by this and attach too much emotion to the sexual encounter you both had together.

The only way you are going to be able to know for sure is if you ask him and/or discuss this with him. One way this could happen is if you ask him whether he could meet you for a coffee (or such public place, which is neutral), and perhaps explain to him your thoughts and feelings surrounding your relationship with him and the feelings you still have, but that you could both try and be more honest and open as to why things didn't work out the first time around.

If I may offer another observation, he and you ended your relationship due to 'not enough space', the space you had offered him and his friend could have contributed to you both feeling this way. Now that you have had a little time away, the fear might be that it could happen all over again. Perhaps you could suggest to him that you both still maintain your space and respect each others need for independence and also bear in mind your insecurities and how this could contribute and trigger all sorts of issues. This said, you both would need to work through these insecurities and trust issues and ensure such problems are lessened and respect each others need for such privacy.

I truly do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your very detailed and sufficient response, I will definitely rate you highly as I feel your insight was very sufficient. I do think it is important that we talk about what happened rather than brushing it aside as that was a common theme in our relationship when things got tough. However I am also uncertain if 2 weeks has been enough space apart from each other to be able to have that conversation, which is why I am afraid to bring up meeting for coffee too soon, however we were just intimate with each other a couple days ago. So maybe we should address thats its only been two weeks. I am confident that I could be ready to be back with him now or iin a short while from now and be able to work on some of the things that werent working as well as make sure we have sufficient space from one another in order to make things work. But I am also wondering if he will beieve me when I saw that since it has only been two weeks. Do you suggest I wait to have the conversation until its been a little longer or I should reach out to him now and talk about where we stand?
Hi G,

Thank you for your kind words, I truly do hope my insight helps you and helps in clarifying the situation further for you.

I believe that you are right, it has been a short while, but like you say, the sex has made it a bit complicated. If you wait, you run risk of him not taking that seriously - leaving you feeling not very valid nor respected. If you deal with this too soon, you run risk of him feeling it is 'too much too soon'.

So your option might be to arrange a meeting in a couple of weeks from now and at this meeting only bring to the table how he might feel about the 'idea' of working through this and working 'towards' a new and better improved relationship, as opposed to simply getting back together and nothing changing.

So, my thoughts are to arrange something so that it give you at least a month of not being together and see how this feels. If you felt you could talk to him about this over the phone (keep things simple on the phone and leave the deep discussion to face to face/in person only, then you could express what your intentions and thoughts are and he then has an opportunity to also share his thoughts with you (this feels more like the type of relationship you both might be wanting to work towards - an open, honest, respectful one whereby you give each other the room you both need to make the right choices for both of you?).

Give it some more time but talk to him about it and see how he feels about meeting up in a few weeks.

Best wishes! I hope it all works out for you. :-)
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey, okay one last thing and then I think we got something to work with :) Should I call him in the next few days to arrange this meetup? and how do I go about presenting it, I think if I just say lets meet for cofee that is kind of a trick, so I feel like I need to give him a little so that we can both take the next few weeks to think about things. Perhaps just addressing what happened on saturday but also recognizing that we have both not had enough time to think things through yet and that perhaps we can meet up on whatever day it is 2-3 weeks from now and talk about where we feel like we need to go from there, I dont know, what do you suggest is a good way to bring it up so its not too much but enough for him to know? Thank you so much for your advice, it was well worth the cost and much better than any friend or family member I have gone too which is why I reached out.
Hey there,

The way you have just conveyed it to me sounds great! I think demonstrating openness is the way to go and the fact that you're suggesting he too, thinks about this, shows potential maturity within the relationship.

I'd say it how you've said it above and provide him with something to work on, ask him to consider and reflect on how he might want the relationship (if you both were to consider getting back together again) to be in the future.

If you felt the next few days is okay for you to ring him, do it. I suggest not leaving it too late but a few days after your last encounter (say a week after), would be plenty of time for him to be thinking about it too, don't you think?

I would write something out on paper, re-write it so that you are totally happy with it, rehearse it or something on the lines of what you've written out and then make the call. Try and prepare something that isn't too committal but says something like:

"Hi xx, I wonder if we could meet for a catch up over coffee. I wondered how you'd feel if we were to talk about our relationship - both past and present? Nothing too serious, but it might help us both if we could have a chat about how things went so wrong and maybe we could look at it together... What do you say?..., I totally understand if you'd have reservations about this but trust me, I want us to be able to reconnect and I miss you..."

Or something like this G, please feel free to amend or completely scrap that, but I thought it might help you see that it doesn't have to say too much, it can just say 'enough', so he has time to prepare himself too.

My best to you!
Karin :-)
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi G,

Thank you for rating my service positively and for the bonus, it is very much appreciated and very generous of you.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you and I hope your meeting goes well. I shall keep you in my prayers.

Karin :-)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Karin, Hi its G again. so I was planning on making the call yesterday but Steve called me first. It caught me off guard. He called to say he would be in the neighborhood and that he would like to come get the rest of his stuff which is not much. However I was not home and had a work meeting so I told him I would contact him after. I ended up getting home kind of late and just contacted him and let him know it was late I was going to bed, but I would contact him the next day and that I was actually meaning to call him as well because there was something I wanted to talk about. But I am feeling like maybe the BIG talk needs to come sooner than later, because him passively reaching out and just dropping by whenever he pleases to pick up "stuff" is hard for me. We havent really set up any sort of boundaries which I am realizing are important whether we work towards being together or are going to stay broken up. Could it be too soon to sit down and have the big lets work on this or not work on this and we need boundaries, or would you still suggest that I do the small reach out first and the big talk later. I am scared.
Hi there G,

Lovely to hear from you again.

You need to decide whether you're prepared to deal with it. Can you get something ready now (write some main points down on paper)? Or do you feel too rushed into discussing it?

You're right in that you need to establish boundaries and you could discuss it all if you and he:

a) both had the time today, b) you felt ready to do so and c) if you were in a position to discuss things calmly.

You could pre-warn him by text that you'd like to also have a chat about a few things while he's picking stuff up.

Decide how you feel, there is no pressure to do it today and if you decide on doing it another time then you could keep conversation short and brief (polite but to the point), and as he leaves, let him know that you would like to arrange a time to meet up for a coffee to discuss where things are headed. There is no right or wrong time to do it - you could do it today or you could leave it for another time, either way - trust how you feel - if you're not ready then leave it for now and keep conversation short.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do and don't be afraid, this is all good - sometimes things are meant to happen and throw us into chaos in order for there to be clarity further down the line! :-)

I shall keep you in my thoughts.

Kind regards,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hey Karin, so Steve and I talked today on the phone and I tried to arrange a meetup but he asked if we could just talk now so I just went for it and was like " "steve seeing you on saturday made me realize i still have feelings for you but it also made me realize that space has been a really great thing for me and i need to be able to do my own thing but i miss you and i still want to be with you. and he was like "i dont want a girlfriend right now, i just want to be alone, i dont want to go out looking for other girls or being with anyone else but myself right now" and so i was like "okay i respect that and i understand you decision, i cant say it doesnt hurt but i respect you recognizing thats what you need for yourself"
so then i just told him that because thats the decision he is making that i dont think we can talk or see each other right now bc i need to move on and carry on with my life" so he was like "so do you want me to come get all my stuff right now then?" and i was like "no i dont care, do it when its convenient for you, just know that i wont be here when you come to grab it"

and then i was just like "i want to be able to be in a relationship with you where we arent just getting back together but where we are starting something new together where we can be independent and have space from each other but where we can be committed to one another and share being together as well, and then he went on to say that he doesnt want to be committed to anyone right now, so i told him i know and i respect your decision and maybe in the future our paths will cross again but for now I think we need to not talk or see each other..

that was hard for him to hear because he said "i iwish we could just be cool with each other and be friends and still talk" and I was like yea we are cool with eachother but right now we cannot be friends because i still have feelings for you.

and that was basically it, i wish i couldve done it in person but its all over now :( thank you again for your help and support.
Hi G,

I'm sorry it had to end in this particular way, but on a positive note, you've openly communicated and shared your thoughts and feelings in a very dignified way with him, you couldn't have done it or said it any better.

Be proud of yourself for doing it in such unprepared circumstances and start to think about you now, you deserve to give yourself the best treatment.

My very best to you and for your future,