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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I met a great guy....

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I met a great guy and we've been dating for about 2 months. I was starting to feel like I was steering the relationship and it was starting to feel like work, so I just kind of stopped steering it and started enjoying the ride from the female perspective. Unfortunately, I think he got comfortable with me steering because just like I decided to enjoy myself, he feels that I am acting funny (not haa-haa funny either)

It had gotten to the point where I was doing all of the calling, etc., where in the beginning he was calling me all of the time. I stopped calling all of the time and he started calling again, but like I said he feels that I have changed. It feels good to have someone do the little things that make you feel special. I'm not trying to turn him off, but I feel that I should be courted and pursued too, not just me doing it all of the time. Is there a way to get him to understand that or should I just continue to do what I am doing?

Deardebra : What happened was he met you and you were different because it was a new relationship and you were getting to know him. Now that you know him you are getting more comfortable and taking more control over the relationship.
Deardebra : I agree that he should be courting you.
Deardebra : When two people meet it's exciting it's new, your learning things about one another. You spend a lot of time trying to impress the person. The the relationship gets comfortable.
Deardebra : But what is important when a relationship starts to get comfortable is the person still needs to keep things exciting and still try to impress the girl.
Deardebra : What you need to do is tell him yes, I have change because you want to be honest.
Deardebra : Tell him the reason why.
Deardebra : Explain that a relationship should always be 50, 50. Both of each other giving back to make a relationship work.
Deardebra : Also communication is the number 1 thing that is important this way it takes all the guessing out of how each of you feels.
Deardebra : If you know how he feels about you and you know how he feels about you, you can focus on each other.
Deardebra : If he doesn't know why you changed then he will keep telling you you changed.
Deardebra : He also will keep wondering why and I feel he will focus more on how much you changed instead. So this is why I feel you should tell him why you have changed.
Customer: So, it is ok to tell him that the reason I changed was because I felt like I was chasing him?
Deardebra : Yes, you can tell him that you felt like you were chasing him and you wanted the relationship to be equal.
Customer: Oh ok...thank you. I thought telling him that would cause a problem
Customer: kinda like make the relationship uncomfortable. He seems kind of shy and I think he was more comfortable with me doing stuff.
Customer: but the only one uncomfortable is me right now.
Deardebra : If he is shy then he would need you to take the lead.
Deardebra : I feel you are doing the right thing. If he is shy you might have to initiate things a little more.
Deardebra : It is a good idea to openly talk with him.
Deardebra : Because I am sure he thinks about if you like him and where you have changed he might be worried you are not interested in him anymore, so it would be best if you explained things too him.
Customer: But the problem that I'm having with him is that when I say something about how I'm feeling, he thinks I'm complaining. It's not a complaint, so I think I might be saying is improperly. And then when I ask him questions, he doesn't want to answer. Is there a way to get him to open up a little more?
Customer: I really do like him, but it's beginning to feel like work. I'm wondering if it is too soon for me to be thinking something else should be happening?
Deardebra : It takes time for a shy person to open up and get comfortable.
Deardebra : The reason why is thinks you are complaining is because he does not want anything to happen in the relationship that is going to be a problem because he does not
Deardebra : want to lose you, so he just wants a perfect relationship, it is almost like he wants to hear no problems.
Deardebra : But you telling him positive things about him and the relationship he will respond much better.
Customer: So it sounds like I need to be a little more patient?
Deardebra : Yes, it is going to take time for him to open up.
Customer: ok, thank you. You made me feel a lot better. I was beginning to think he was losing interest, but I see it was my own insecurity. I'm still going to stop steering, but I'll be more patient and open with him. I thought not talking about it was going to make it better. Any suggestions on how to approach certain subjects?
Deardebra : You want to always express how you feel when you are feeling it.
Deardebra : When you see him, you want to be expressive. If you want to tell him something you just say it. You want to say what you feel like what comes natural.
Deardebra : If you want to talk about something a certain subject, tell him that you want to talk.
Deardebra : Being open and honest about how you feel will get him to open up as well.
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