20pluscounts : Hello, I'm here!
20pluscounts : Yikes, sounds like you are taking a ride on the "crazy train" again. I'm sorry for the struggle- the struggle that never seems to quit right!
20pluscounts : No one would blame you for "exposing" this- again something you can "do" vs. the frequent sense of powerlessness.
20pluscounts : This is so painful, that reoccuring "coffin" coming out of the ground. It's unfortunate he doesn't respect you and make it clear with her to stop this nonsense.
20pluscounts : I think she's doing her own damage by freely posting pictures of herself with a married man- that is not attractive- it's scandoulous!
20pluscounts : It is her FB account, yes, and you can not control what she puts on there. If anything she ups the "anty" when you express an opinion about this. This then becomes a ping pong match. You have exposed this, now may be the time to step back again.
20pluscounts : hello hello! I am available for about 20 min.
Customer: Hey Jean,
Customer: Why would she do this knowing that he and I are not talking anyway?
Customer: She already got her way by me having minimal contact? Does she want him to get a lawyer and spend tons of money. I can't be nice to him under these conditions because I feel what is occuring is abuse.
20pluscounts : good to hear from you! I think it's a power/control, sort of game. Once you expressed your dissatisfaction, she escalated her "game".
Customer: Wow, that's crazy. What kind of person is this? Is not enough that she is sleeping with him and has him?
Customer: Why would he put up with it??
Customer: He is enable it to continue.
20pluscounts : It does feel abusive- so hurtful to you. Little can you do to get him to handle this as you'd like- other than what you have already done- expressed your hurt.
Customer: Is it possible that she is insecure and may pick up on the fact that it bothers him that I am not talking to him?
Customer: So she puts the picture up again?
20pluscounts : Wow, the cheating man, and the women fighting over him- he's trying to stay on the down low to avoid the conflict. Yes, the anger from her could be insecurity- who knows for sure.
Customer: So, he doesn't want to make her mad since he might lose his sleeping buddy.
Customer: I'm worried about sending the exposure letter. It was professional and to the point and no name calling. I heard it's a good thing to do. I wish I would have done it earlier.
Customer: Neither of them seem to be bothered by it, especially her. She took down the picture again, probably at the request of him, but she put a quote about relationships in it's place and he clicked on like. Now they are both goating me to continue with the drama.
20pluscounts : Putting the picture up communicates "he's mine". This is not a game, and sadly people acting this way goes above and beyond the "below the belt". It's important to express you anger, hurt etc. Finding away to rise above this is key- let her stew about this, you step back, observe, see what happens from here. Yes sending the letter took guts and can create anxiety.
20pluscounts : I think it may be wise to avoid looking on FB at least for a few hours, if not for the day.
Customer: Yes, it has because her adult son is the only one who wrote me and said he understood my anger, but that the kid in the picture with them was his little brother. I took that one down and put something else there in it's place.
Customer: Another picture of the two of them.
20pluscounts : This is really difficult right now isn't it!
Customer: Yes, they just keep poking at me? How cruel for him to allow this. It's not enough that he left me and has caused me anguish.
Customer: I have been told her is a typical wayward spouse in the fog.
20pluscounts : Find a way to calm, relax, some sort of diversion from this- this is hurtful and stepping back can offer some relief. Who knows what her and his intentions are with this- it's cruel for sure.
Customer: I mean I have been told he is a typical wayward foggy spouse
20pluscounts : Yes, good descripton
Customer: He is in such deniel about how wrong this and the pain he is causing me.
20pluscounts : This may be over his head, not much of a clue how to handle this.
Customer: He keeps blaming me. He never once has said he was sorry for how he has handled this. He once told me not to hate myself for the break down of our marriage. I don't even recognize this man anymore.
Customer: But then one time he said that he wasn't a good person. It's about him.
Customer: Saying he isn't a good person allows him to continue the affair in my opinion and keeps him from taking responsibility of all the damage he has done because of this woman.
20pluscounts : Right, he can hide behind, "I'm not a good person, that's why I act this way"
Customer: Right. I asked him why he has done this to me. He just said...I'm not a good person, that's all I know.
Customer: Yes, he was so good to me for so many years. Made my birthdays and Christmas's special and cooked for me and always helped around the house. I couldn't have had it better and then one day he meets this skank.
Customer: HIs friends think he has lost his F-ing mind. That's just how they said it. One friend asked my husband Dad what was wrong him leaving me for her and has he lost his mind.
20pluscounts : Any chance you can get a hold of him to talk in person? Even if it's just for you to express your hurt, tell him what you want/need from him in order to move on. If you say something like: "I feel...and need you to tell me....need to hear you say..." She represents all that has been taken from you.
20pluscounts : It's difficult making sense out of insanity.
Customer: I know it is. I really don't want to talk to him. It hurt me too much and I want to stay in minimal contact. I have told him this stuff before, how I felt and he just blames the people who are telling me about the profile and FB cover. He doesn't understand that's not about them telling me, some ask and then I go look at it.
20pluscounts : I have about 5 min. before I have to skadaddle sp? you know what I mean.
Customer: Oh, Ok. can we talk later?
20pluscounts : Yes, protect yourself, maintain that distance may be best for now- trust your gut on this one.
20pluscounts : yes it's almost 10 a.m here my time- I'm available about noon
Customer: Ok, do I just come back to this chat?
20pluscounts : what time do you have?
20pluscounts : yes I can leave chat open for now
Customer: Almost 11am
Customer: Ok, Noon your time?
20pluscounts : ok so meet you noon my time- 1p for you
Customer: Yes, ok. Thanks for my Jean.
20pluscounts : y r so welcome- hang in there
Customer: I mean thanks so much Jean. lol
20pluscounts : didn't even notice the error- I get ya!
Customer: You there?
20pluscounts : yes I am here
20pluscounts : How is your day going?
Customer: Ok I guess. How about yours?
20pluscounts : good thanks
Customer: I'm find out that going minimal contact is harder than letting him cake eat.
Customer: I was depressed all weekend because imagined the two of them laughing at me and making fun of me after I sent the exposure letter. I was told by people in Marriage Advocate that this is normal and sometimes they get angry, but sometimes they say nothing and stay quiet.
20pluscounts : of course- goes against your natural grain to have no contact- but is important- worth your effort.
Customer: I cried all weekend because I miss the man he used to be. I don't recognize him anymore.
Customer: I feel like the people I sent the exposure letter to are going to think I am unstable or something and I have gone off the deep end.
20pluscounts : Sending that exposure letter may be opening up a bit more anxiety for you too. It hurts, your heart is broken- over and over.
20pluscounts : yes, you kind of put yourelf out there with the letter- but like you said it needed to happen
20pluscounts : I'd say the letter "calls them out" in a sense- the truth can hurt.
20pluscounts : Are there support groups in your area? Something to do with loss, divorce, grief?
20pluscounts : You need support, and being with others who are in similar situations can be comforting, supportive, validating.
20pluscounts : I think people reading the letter would have empathy for you, most would, when you are the one being "cheated" on.
20pluscounts : are you there Ms. Marie?
20pluscounts : Hope you are not having trouble with live chat- if I don't hear from you in five minutes I will change to question and answer format.