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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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cannot see your last response from 15 mins ago. It shows up

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cannot see your last response from 15 mins ago. It shows up blank when I try to review it..happened last time as well.

Deardebra : I will bring it up for you.
Deardebra : Deardebra says:4:58 PMThe one thing I am worried about is if he knows how you feel.4:58 PMSome times people think they can not come back because the person would never forgive them.4:58 PMI want him to know that you are still there and that you would take him back.4:59 PMTell him to please answer you if there is nothing left to the relationship so that you can move on.4:59 PMYou need closure and to move on if he is going to try to work things out.5:01 PMHe needs to tell you straight out how he feels and that this relationship is over because if he doesn't then you will keep wondering. He should tell you because he does care about you.
Deardebra : I posted the times they were wrote so you know how far you have seen.
Customer: I sent him a text this said
Customer: me- Hey Tim. How are you?
Customer: tim- I'm doing...Just laying in bed with baby watching tv...How have you been? Anything new?
Customer: me- I'm taking life day by day..few changes I'm dealing with. Everything going well with you?
Customer: tim- yea I guess..Same as when you last saw me..nothing new really..just work and kids..
Customer: tim- but you're good?
Customer: me-...and a new
Customer: tim- who you?
Customer: me- no dummy you
Customer: me- I'm not "good"..I'm just dealing
Customer: tim- I'm sorry..I do think about you. Fondly
Customer: me- So everything is going well with you and Anna then?
Customer: tim- Nothing changed. We hang out. but it is the same as it was just taking it a day at a time...
Customer: me- so you still think you made the right choice, right?
Customer: tim- not sure yet
Customer: me-(being stupid) I need to stop loving it's okay to admit that you're happy and you're fine. It would give me some peace of mind and some closure..
Customer: tim- I'm happy..
Customer: me- ok good. so I guess I should pick up the grill at this point..when is the best time to do that?
Customer: tim- whenever
Customer: me-ok- not going to be able to fit in my car all together..can you take legs off for me please?
Customer: tim- ok
Customer: me- can you have that done by this afternoon or is wed after work better?
Customer: tim- I'm not home so wed is better.
Customer: me- ok I will do it wed..thanks
Customer: end of conversation
Customer: Is it pretty safe to say I now need to try to let go of him and move on? He is clearly already over me..don't you think?
Deardebra : Looking at that conversation it was very friendly and he was giving you the impression that he was not happy and wasn't sure how things were going.
Deardebra : Then when you said you pretty much had to move on then he said he was happy, so I feel he is very confused about how he feels about this relationship.
Deardebra : It doesn't sound like he is excited to be back with her, it even sounds like they are only hanging out and nothing it happening.
Deardebra : I think he is under the impression that you are done now.
Customer: So what should I say when I go pick up the grill on wed? I don't want to beg him or act needy. Should I tell him if he decides things aren't going to work out with them to give me a call if he wants and we will talk? I don't want him to think I will be hanging on forever waiting either. Thanks.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So what should I say when I go pick up the grill on wed? I don't want to beg him or act needy. Should I tell him if he decides things aren't going to work out with them to give me a call if he wants and we will talk? I don't want him to think I will be hanging on forever waiting either. Thanks.
I would tell him that you are here for him. That you care about him and you wish things could be different. I would tell him he can call you if he needs you. Tell him you wish him the best and hope that he is happy. That you always want what is best for him. The reason why I feel like you should say these things is because he will see how much you care and that his happiness is important too you. This could open his eyes to how you feel.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Shockingly, out of the blue tonight he texted me saying...I don't sleep anymore..all I think about is you..I've been having this reoccurring dream (I won't go into sexual detail about what he said) but it ends with us being together all night making love.. Then I asked if he means what he is saying this time or if he is going to retract it like he did last time. He said I don't take back anything I ever say to you I am confused. I don't know what tomorrow brings..but I don't ever want you to think that you are not beautiful or and funny..hardworking yet laid back.,I'm a total idiot, jerk fool, moron etc. I don't know what tomorrow brings but you should walk tall...always.
Then I replied.. ok. just know that I love you and if you ever decide you love me enough to be with me again..please let me know.
He's not about love..I love you(NNN) NNN-NNNN more than any woman..but I love Kaitlyn(daughter) and the idea of family more than I love's not you..

Then he proceeded to tell me how much he misses me and how badly he wants me and I said..if you really want me all you have to do is say the word..he said...word.
After that we made plans for me to come over after 10 when his 15 yr old went to bed..that all happened at 7pm..he had to drop the baby off at his ex's at 730 and then at 830 he text me saying. tonights not gonna work..My brother just called. wants to meet at my moms talk bout some issue and the move.(his mother sold her house)I will call you in the am :-)..I said no problem..hope everything is ok.

and that was it. I am trying no to get too excited over this. He may have just been having a moment and that could be why he cancelled. I really hope he calls me in the morning like he used to everyday before entering work.
I feel like when you said about picking up the grill made him nervous like it was final and the relationship was over and you were moving on I think he got scared you were going to leave for good. One thing he needs to understand is he will always be a father in his child's life, but it is important for him yo be happy and to be with the one he loves he can't just live a life he does not want to be in.He should not be miserable not sleeping because he wants to be with you.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
ok so I went over his house last night. I wasn't sure whether I was going to just get the grill or if he wanted to hang out. So before I got there I texted him to see if he needed anything. He said no I'm good, thanks..but then sent me another text saying..can't wait to see you..Got to go meet up with my brother at 930 to continue packing my mom. but it will be an awesome few hours with you:-) I if you are really supposed to be somewhere else..I can turn around. he said..nope not til much later..right now is our time.
I have never been asked to leave his house. He always wanted me to I found that suspicious. anyway, I went over we hung out and talked. He told me how much he misses me every day and is constantly thing about me and loves me to death, etc..he said things that made me believe his ex was not as interested as he thought she was..she sent him some kind of long text which stated that she decided to come back to nj but not necessarily to get back with him(yeah right) but she would be happy just to have the friendship they once had..and that he was too good for her and deserved better.
So he told me about the text and all I could think was haha she decided she doesn't even want him as more than friends. I didn't share my thoughts on it because he needs to figure that out. So the more we talked the better it seemed and the more it seemed like he wanted me. One thing lead to another and we kissed..we have great chemistry so sparks were flying and we did end up sleeping together. Afterwards though he got up and put his shoes on and was like ok I really need to get going now to meet my brother before I fall asleep. At some point during all this he said please give me a week to just get this all figured out. I said how are you so sure you will know in a week..he said I will trust me. We went our separate ways and he said he would be in touch sometime this week..he seemed to go a little cold after he got sex..not sure if he was just super relaxed or just all the sudden not really affectionate..did I just get totally used? and where do I go from here? I really should tell him that I don't want to be anyone's 2nd choice..shouldn't I? He had said he just wants to talk to her and make sure of what she is saying..yeah how nice now he is going to beg her to decide so he can decide..just doesn't seem like I should be sitting here waiting to be chosen..right?
Here is what he is trying to say in not so many words. He wants his ex to get situated, settled in NJ. Then he feels after a week he will be all set to be able to focus on you and your relationship together. You asked where do you go from here you still keep communicating because I feel that he made his choice already and that was to be with you. I do not feel that he was going to stay with her. I feel even if she was going to go back with him, he was going to tell her he was in love with someone else. He might have already done that. I do not feel in anyway where you second choice I feel that he wants to get her settled back in NJ and then you and him will reconnect your relationship. Do not lose contact with each other, you want to still talk, I really think he realized he can not live without you.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am pretty sure it's over. The only thing I have heard from him since I was there Wed night was a text on Fri night (He sent it at 710pm while he knew I was working...I got it at 11pm when I got off) It read..other night was amazing...just been busy.haven't forgotten:-).

I waited until 1230am and text him back.."yeah..don't worry about it."

haven't heard from him at all since. I feel like that text seemed like he was just throwing me a bone...but for what?? He may just have wanted to sleep with me one final time before letting me go..and he didn't want to seem like a complete jerk by ending it right after so he said he needed a week and he would have the answer..I feel like I am being played right now..which I would have never expected from him. If he feels this confused about what he wants than perhaps I should remove myself as an option and we can both just move on.

He dude day it was amazing and he has been busy. I still feel you need to give this a chance. He did text he could have just not even responded. I want you to set up another date and tell him that you had a nice time would like to plan another date.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I feel like I am 18 instead of 38 with not being able to let go of this man.

As I was trying to form the words I wanted to say to him to just be done with it..he called me..not text but actually called. He said he just wanted to say Happy Memorial Day to me and that something he saw reminded him of me again. For the next hr we talked about a lot of things. I asked him how things were going with Anna and he said they are the same..just talking. He told me that she informed him yesterday that her ex bf texted her and she went back and forth with him about when he was going to give her the $500 and the phone he owed her. Tim said it shouldn't matter why he texted if she was serious about getting him out of her life she should have changed her # XXXXX blocked his #.

Anyway, Tim told me that he is seeing more and more that it is difficult getting past her previous cheating. and he is losing respect of his 15 yr old daughter who will not accept him getting back together with her.


He also snuck a statement in our conversation saying.."so what if I did decide to tell Anna in the next few days that we are should only be friends and there is nothing more? I already screwed things up with you at this point. Why would you take me back"? I said " I would say, I love you enough to understand why you needed to try to see if that situation would work.. but I would need to know you were choosing me because you wanted to not because you lost that option." Then he went on and on saying how he knows how much he would have to prove to me and do to make me feel like I was the one he wanted.

Having said all that he threw in how confused he still is and how he thinks she is probably really done with her ex this time.

So, then his 3 yr old woke up from her nap and he had to go. He said he would call me later but I doubt that will happen. I decided to text him about 15 mins after we ended our conversation and said..would it be too much to ask if we can get together once more before it's too late?...his response was. yes..this week. I said tonight, tues or wed night? he said I will let you know..I said..ok but please don't wait until the last response since.

I just have no idea what to make of all this confusion. Am I being a fool letting him have his cake and eat it too, so to speak? Will he ever really make up his mind?

What is happening right now is he knows deep down the relationship is not going to work, so he says things in how he feels about the relationship. But then he feels some sort of guilt for saying all those things because he feels and knows her does not really want to try because he is in love with you. I think he knows the relationship is over and he can never trust her again, but he is also worried that if he leaves you will not take him back and he will lose everything, so you need to keep telling him that he can come back because I feel he will stay if he things will not work out with you and him. He already knows he has to prove himself again too you and he hopes that you will forgive him. He is torn and scared of losing you if he does go back because you might decide you can no longer do this and that things will change between you and him. He is just worried and needs to be reassured. It would be good to meet this will help sort some of those feelings out, so he can see you still love him.