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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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abusive he will ignore my existence or

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My husband is emotionally abusive he will either ignore my existence or show nasty behavior. I was really mad at my 20 year old son today. He said it was not right that I didn't pick up the phone when dad called from the store to see what we need. My son was the one who called him back. I told him it was the right decision for me not to pick up the phone. He thought that the phone call was benign. I said it was manipulating because I feel that my husband tries to look like a supportive caring husband when he otherwise treats me badly. Both of my kids accused me of seeing him always acting with badness with everything he does. It is possible that the phone call was benign but when I get mostly bad treatment, why would I trust it? I told the boys that his behavior towards me is even worse when they are not around. My older boy said he thought that was a good thing that he wasn't treating me as bad in front of him. He also told me that Dad doesn't talk badly about me. However he treats me badly even in front of the kids and although he doesn't talk badly about me he treats me badly. It is facade, and I was very angry at the boys for talking like this. They have knowledge that he doesn't treat me kindly, but the are blinded so many things in my opinion
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you had an argument with your son over your husband, it can be hard sometimes for kids to see things objectively as their loyalties lie with the both of you and this can make things very hard for them. Sometimes, like you say, your husband may well be mean or unkind towards you and because they can't see it first hand, they struggle to accept such behavior exists towards you. It may not be that they are brainwashed but it might be that they struggle to take sides and split loyalties makes it hard for them.

You're right in that you do not deserve to be treated with abusive words and hence, not picking up the phone was your best defence but the kids may not see it this way. You have to do the right thing for you and your self worth - this is most important as otherwise you run risk of him hurting you over and over. You have to hold your ground and perhaps the kids will begin to see how hurtful your husband can be towards you. (If they don't already know it). You don't deserve to take abusive behavior and should not tolerate it hence, this seems to have been your way of not accepting it and your way or reaction was to not pick up the phone - which is totally understandable under the circumstances.

I hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.

If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you.
the problem is they were defending him.
Theu were either u able or unwilling to see the depths of it.
No my husband doesn't talk bad about me to the kids but he treats me bad in front of them.
is he trying to say that I'm talking bad about his father and that's what makes me the wrong one?

and then my other son age 18 said he doesn't believe dad has a personality disorder as my psychologist suggested.

it felt like they were defending him as the abuser.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
and what about the statement he doesn't talk bad about me. what's the difference since he treat me bad in front of them?when he made that statement I thought he was blinded by dads manipulation. A facade
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi there,

I see what you mean, thank you for the additional information. They probably are to some degree blinded by their dad's manipulative behaviors and this can be frustrating, lonely and difficult for you to deal with.

Treating you badly in front of them is far worse. This potentially is modeling bad behavior to your boys (that its okay to behave this way, when we know it is most certainly not okay). I'm sure your kids are aware that it isn't acceptable but they seem stuck in a place that makes them not accept what's really going on here. (It might just be their way of dealing with it/ or not dealing with it as the situation seems to demonstrate).

The fact is that no matter how you look at this, your husband is disrespectful towards you and that is not okay. You hold your ground, but encourage the kids to try to understand how it feels for you - the way your husband is and how it leaves you feeling. Ask them to imagine if that was their own daughter being treated in this way or a best friends mother- how might they feel if they observed it in another family home..?

Dad's manipulation may be quite strong here but you can only do your best to encourage them to show empathy towards you.

I truly hope that they will one day wake up and see this more objectively for their own sakes.
My very best wishes to you,
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I tried as you suggested however he didn't want to hear anything he became very uncomfortable.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi D,

Your son became uncomfortable? It is not something that will happen instantly, take some time to express your message to the boys. Gradually without them feeling 'cornered' might work better than to address them straight away as your son may be feeling quite defensive right now.

Give it some time D, and hope that they will understand from your perspective.

My best wishes,
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you very much
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi D,

Thank you for your positive rating and for the bonus, it is very much appreciated.
My prayers are with you, D.
Take good care of yourself.