20pluscounts : hello, thank for your post today
20pluscounts : How exciting, and scarey at the same time to have this opportunity to "rekindle" things
20pluscounts : Isn't that the truth, once we are at risk of losing something, someone, is when we realize how important they are.
20pluscounts : Were you looking for a particular expert?
Customer: No ... would you like to do it?
20pluscounts : Thanks for joining me- yes I'd like to assist you-
20pluscounts : This dating thing can be such a "game" lots of guessing where the other person is at.
Customer: yes ...
Customer: On these 2 coffee dates
Customer: we had, I tried to read her body language a lot, but she's sending totally mixed signals
Customer: and after the 2nd date I told her ... I really like spending time with you and having fun. I don't know where this is going, but we will see, what happens in the future. And she told me she agrees with this and we hugged.
Customer: I don't know ... does she see me as a friend
Customer: or is she thinking about maybe getting back together
20pluscounts : It certainly sounds like there is great potential for a good outcome here. She's likely hesitant, confused, has been hurt. She's unsure- allow her to take the lead but at the same time be attentive, kind, validating of her. Sealed it with a hug- promising! It's likely more than friends. It's typically either romantic or not in such situations- when you've been involved.
Customer: Also her friends (mutual friends) have told me she's been acting weird and not like herself for the whole time since the breakup.
Customer: I know she's been hurt, and I'm the one that hurt her with my (non)actions. How can I show her (show, not tell), that I'm not repeating the same mistakes again?
20pluscounts : Be yourself, no real "heavy" conversation, keep it light and playful- yes flirt a bit. She may have other stuff on her mind- in her own life. Hard to know, really, unless she is more open about what's going on. Be kind, that goes so far!
20pluscounts : It's a time factor, you being consistent in being kind, attentive, etc.
20pluscounts : Yes, behavior- showing you care, and that she matters.
20pluscounts : She is likely observing, watching you, and over time will trust more if you consistently show you care.
Customer: I am doing all of this
Customer: But it looks like she's emotionally completely shut-down
Customer: that's also what I got told by a mutual friend
20pluscounts : There sounds like you have good chemistry together and want to spend time together. You have lots on the line- of course- you want to tread carefully!
Customer: yes ... I don't want to push her too much
Customer: but I also want her to feel, that I'm still into her and want to get back together. So I'm thinking what can I do to go one step above "having fun together"
20pluscounts : Allow her the time and space to work through this. You could ask "is there anything I can do to make up for how I've been in the past?" What can you do to show you care- what is her love language?
20pluscounts : Does she like texts, gifts, time together, affection,...?
Customer: Words of affirmation & physical touch
Customer: but probably Words of affirmation is her primary
20pluscounts : That's where you put the time and energy then.
Customer: so ... is there any concrete course of action I should take
20pluscounts : Asking how her day is, validating, affirming her in anyway you can.
20pluscounts : Being attentive, but respecting the "space", time issue
Customer: Yes, for sure .. I don't want to come across as needy or something along that line.
Customer: What should I think of the dinner date she got set up
Customer: I need to tell you some more details about it
Customer: it was about 3 wks after the breakup and she asked me if I want to go to dinner with her to a really fancy (also, romantic) restaurant
Customer: I was a bit hesitant at first because it was totally weird to me that somebody who just broke up with you is asking you out to dinner
Customer: I told her I was really busy and have a lot going on in my life now (it was the truth, I didn't just make it up)
Customer: so she opened up a calendar and we started going through it
Customer: and we found a date, (it's one week from now), which was, at that time, almost two months away
Customer: on our first coffee date
Customer: I asked her, why she wants to go with me, as she can now go with anyone she wants
Customer: and she told me "I don't know I just don't see myself going there with anybody else, but you."
20pluscounts : See how the date goes, as you spend more time together, may give you more information to go on. Lots of this is a guess and speculation until she gives you more to go on. Be your kind, sensitive, and caring self. What attracted her to you in the first place? Interesting concept- the thing that attracts us to the person can also be the thing that can cause an issue. Fancy, romantic equals special! I can see where that caught you off guard. Take it as it comes, really savor, enjoy the time together- vs. planning too far ahead. Natural for you to be anxious about this- lots on the line. Most of all enjoy the time together, being yourself. You are special to her-
Customer: What first brought her to me? Huh, tough question. Probably combination of me being a fun person, kind, attentive, smart and good looks (she wrote me a text about a week ago, when I changed my profile picture on Facebook "You look really cute on the new pic")
20pluscounts : All you do know is she wants to be with you-not clear what's in her head right now. Careful not to get too stuck in your head over thinking- as our brains tend to do. The issue before was she didn't see effort- she may be looking for that.
Customer: she didn't see the effort
Customer: but my feelings were still there
Customer: I know I hurt her by neglecting her and taking her for granted
20pluscounts : So be that fun, kind, attentive, smart and good looking guy you already are.
20pluscounts : "You look cute"- she's into you!
20pluscounts : Be a good and attentive listener-shows you care.
20pluscounts : You could ask her what "showing effort" looks like? Her view may be different than yours.
20pluscounts : You work together- lots of opportunity to see her.
Customer: I was wondering
Customer: Should I bring her a rose
Customer: next week
Customer: for the dinner date
Customer: I don't know what's happening in her head right now
Customer: women think and act differently as men do
Customer: so ... would she like that
Customer: or would it be a turn-off
20pluscounts : Does she know you want to get back together? Even telling her you are attracted to her, give her lots of compliments, affirmations. A rose would be very lovely- remember she picked fancy and romantic- equals a rose! She would love a rose- I'm pretty sure about that!
Customer: Yes, she knows I want to
Customer: The first talk after the break-up, I told her
Customer: and about two weeks later she asked me if I changed my mind
Customer: told her that I stand by my words
20pluscounts : It's a small but large gesture to give her a rose. It's sweet- smells good too. I think she is just being careful- that's why it's hard to "read" her.
Customer: yes ...
Customer: But ... I'm not sure this is even going to work out
Customer: It would be really helpful if she just gave me one sign
20pluscounts : Respect that it's natural she's being careful, when she's been hurt. No you do not know for sure- that's why enjoy as it comes- mindful of each interaction- that's all you do have.
Customer: a mutual friend also told me she's not into anybody else or even flirting with other guys
20pluscounts : Very complicated sometimes- this dating "game". All you can do is be yourself- rest is up to her- no guarantee of anything in love, life...
20pluscounts : Much of this points in the direction of her being interested
Customer: What additional steps can I take to rebuild the trust. I think it's been broken and needs to be rebuilt
20pluscounts : Time, and consistent, be "present" when you are with her- good eye contact, listen, and listen, allow her to feel heard, validated.
20pluscounts : If she feels listened to, validated, she may begin to trust, in time.
Customer: from your experience
Customer: how much time does this take?
20pluscounts : When we feel validated, we feel we matter.
Customer: are we talking weeks, months, years?
20pluscounts : How much time? I'd say she's either into you or not- not something you just turn on or off- I hear her being into you.
20pluscounts : Like any relationship it is a process- keeping the lines of communication open, checking in with her etc.
Customer: yes, but how much time is necessary for her to start opening up more?
Customer: I mean, I really want to get back to her, but if it takes too long, or nothing is different, there will have to come a moment when I will need to start focusing on other women.
Customer: for my own sake
20pluscounts : No way to know how much time- that's what is so difficult right? Best guess is 6-8 weeks :) Think it of courting her.
20pluscounts : It's okay for you to set a time and re evaluate- yes!
20pluscounts : Does 8 weeks seem reasonable?
20pluscounts : By then I think you will have a better idea- or you become more direct with her.
Customer: yes, it does
Customer: so, two weeks have already passed
20pluscounts : I understand we need some concrete-ness
20pluscounts : so say 6 more weeks? You could ask her if she has an idea of time?
20pluscounts : For the now- think positively- look forward to the date- appreciate the time you do have together.
Customer: what is really weird with me that the 2 coffee dates were just like when we were together and we went for coffee ... just without the touching, kissing, holding hands, etc.
20pluscounts : I wish you the best in this- like you said if it does not work- there will be other opportunities. She's pulled away to protect herself- but wants to be with you- because she likes you.
Customer: ok ... thank you very much, I appreciated the talk
20pluscounts : Asking her "how does she know others care about her, what does effort look like?" or again the love language thing-
20pluscounts : You are welcome- hope it goes well for both of you.
20pluscounts : Let me know if I can help again.
Customer: sure thing
20pluscounts : Have a good day/night!
Customer: you too!
20pluscounts : Please rate ok or higher so I can get credit. Much appreciated!! We like the smiley faces.