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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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I usually attract men that cant hold down a job for long periods

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I usually attract men that can't hold down a job for long periods and time and men that's abusive towards women but I met a guy I really liked a few weeks ago that for the first time made me feel like a woman and not a sex object, I also attract men that only want sex from me too btw, I could accept the "he's not into you" answer but he did try to get in touch with me after our first date again by a text message, and I ignored him, I've been single for 3 years now and I didn't know if I was ready for a serious relationship yet or not, his name is XXXXX XXXXX was a gentleman when we went out, we just went out for drinks and we talked for almost 4 hours about everything, I could tell he liked me by the way he was acting towards me and treating me and it was not sexual in any way, he was just in town working and he told me he was looking for some company, so he found me, he told me he thinks he is going to be in town until the end of May, and he wanted to see me a couple of times a week and he had wanted to take me out for my birthday, I think he may have been moving to fast for me and he scared me so I did everything I could to make him think I wasn't interested in him in that way, we went riding around for a little while afterwards and he kept kissing me on the forehead a few times when we were talking and he told me he was physically attracted to me, I guess he wanted to see how I would react, we went back to where I was staying for the night, we stood outside a minute and talked, I wasn't saying much because the alcohol was making me tired and he was making me nervous, he asked me a few times what was wrong and I said nothing, I'm ok, I told him I was worried about a problem I was having, he didn't say anything for a minutes and he said "you might can pull that BS on other people but not me" I didn't say anything, we went inside and he said he would stay the night with me and we didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to, I told him that's ok, I would be alright by myself and I laid down on the bed and pretended to be asleep so he could leave, I heard him calling me a couple of times, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and I heard him leave, I got up a few minutes later because I felt guilty and called him and told him I was sorry I fell asleep on him and told him he didn't have to leave if he didn't want to and he turned around when I was about to go home myself and came back, I was shocked because I didn't think he would do that and we talked for a minute and I can't remember much of what all was exactly said but I did tell him I couldn't stay and I had to leave, he left, when I was on my way home and I sent him a text message and told him to call me tomorrow and things would be different and he just said ok, he told me him and his ex girlfriend just broke up a couple of months ago and he said he didn't have time for a girlfriend because of his job, he said he travels a lot, if he just wanted sex he would have been more forward than what he was and he would not have tried to get in touch with me again the way he did, I don't have a clue if he's angry with me, frustrated or tired of trying to have something with me because he thinks I'm playing games with him and that's far from the truth, I was just confused and didn't know if what I wanted, I'm so used to being treated like dirt and trash by men that I push every man away that tries to get too close to me, including the ones that could treat me the way I've always wanted, 4 days later, he sent me a text message asking me if I was in town, I live 30 minutes away from the town he was working in, the first thing I thought when I saw it was, I don't think so, we don't have anything in common, it wouldn't work out, and I ignored him, he may have had to leave town after that, I don't have a clue, but I couldn't stop thinking about him for a week after that text message he sent to me, I was still telling myself I didn't want to be with him in that way but I was thinking about him a lot every day and our date we went out on, I sent him a text message one afternoon and said hey, no response, I started to panic because I finally realized something was there between us and wanted to tell him how I felt, I used a caller id spoofer to see if he was ignoring me, he could have been busy for all I know, I put in a number similar to his and sure enough he answered and said hello, and I didn't say anything and hung up, 30 minutes later I sent another text message and told him a lie saying I'm sorry I just wanted to let him know I had been out of town and that my phone didn't have a signal, still nothing, I want to tell him how I feel about him, I'm worried he's going to reject me if I try to get ahold of him or tell him how I feel, my male friends are telling me I need to tell him how I feel, I did the exact same thing with another man I met a few years ago, I don't want to lose Andrew, if I call him I wouldn't know what to say to him

Dr. Norman Brown : I think I can interpret your man-friend's actions and yours also, as a conversation the two of you had about what relationship you want if any.
Dr. Norman Brown : First, this man was more gentlemanly and less crude than others you've met, so inside you started to hope for a good relationship and also fear that you would make a mistake without realizing it and ruin your chances.
Dr. Norman Brown : When he said he'd be in town until the end of May, you could already realize that this would not be a relationship, since that's not enough time to build something that would last in a distance situation.
Customer: I left out something, I live in Mississippi, he's from Texas, he said he comes here a lot for work so I would have saw him when he came here for work
Dr. Norman Brown : You felt that you were not ready for sex (it's a risky move to get into sex on the first date, though many women do it in hopes of getting the man to want more of them). But then you let him stay in your room. You basically wanted him to wait and come on slowly and he was coming on too fast (definitely--and he was laying out his expectations for the relationship: 3 x a week to date, and sex would be desired as soon as you're ready--better be several times before the end of May or you wouldn't pass his audition for next girlfriend.
Dr. Norman Brown : You told him to go away, but then wanted to reassure him that you did want him. So he made all his expectations very clear--so presumably he expects to find somebody else if you don't want to play it his way. Do you? Do you want to be wined & dined and have sex 2-3x week when he's working in Miss?
Dr. Norman Brown : I gotta go watch Sat Night Live with my daughter for now. He's not even suggesting that he might want this to develop into a long term relationship. He wants to meet his woman-needs with you while he checks you out for the possibility of something more.
Customer: I appreciate your advice, I understand why he acted the way he did, he does seem a little controlling, I think I'll move on now
Dr. Norman Brown : Good idea. I came back to ask you What would you be thinking 6 months from now, if he has spent 3 one month periods with you doing all the "companionship" stuff he wants, but he's not promising to go any further? And what if he won't answer when you ask him what he does for "companionship" when he's in Texas?
Customer: he probably calls his ex girlfriend if they still talk
Customer: I still don't understand why he just didn't tell me all he wanted was sex, if he would have did that all of this would never have happened, I would move so I could spend time with him if I knew he wanted more than just a sexual relationship with me
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Thank you Christy for rating my service as excellent. I think if you make conditions to protect yourself from getting used for sex--like saying "I feel good when I'm with you, but I want to get to know a guy pretty well before I get too intimate sexually, so I prefer to spend at least a month dating before going to bed together." (Or substitute your own limit, but make it more than two weeks, so the quick in-quick gone guys will just get gone, instead of getting into your body and then leaving you feeling like worn-out clothes. That way you'll find out if there's anything YOU like about the guy besides the fact that he's after you, and you'll know whether you have anything else in common besides Me Tarzan You Jane. find out if a guy will do something with you that YOU like to do--cuz if you get serious, you'll want to have a fair and balanced relationship rather than him calling all the shots or sucking you dry financially.


Sorry for the lecture, but if you set up standards for what you want from a guy, then the dirtbags will slink away before you start to care about them. It's natural to love somebody who wants to be with you, so it's necessary to be REAL CHOOSY right away, so you'll greatly reduce how often you get used and hurt. (Nobody can love without getting hurt, because hurt is part of love; but you can love without getting used.)

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ok, last question, why can't I call him myself and talk to him? That's the only problem I'm really having, if you like/love somebody enough you can work through your problems together, every time I think about trying to call him, I don't get nervous or scared, I just put it off and never do it, what can I do to get over this?

Dear Christy, I just got home from a long hike. To your last question: You're not the only person that thinks that everybody ought to be able to talk about uncomfortable issues with somebody they love, and there are more people LIKE YOU that can't bring up such problems than there are the CAN bring them up.


Believe it of not, it's a lot easier to have sex than to have intimate conversation, and it's even harder yet to have honest conversation about intimate issues. Plently people can't talk about what they want from each other when they're not getting it EVEN AFTER YEARS OF LIVING TOGETHER. And you don't really know this guy that well at all.


And I suspect there may be another problem underneath your question: did you ever feel like your father (or perhaps your mother also) cared a lot about what YOU thought and felt about things? In fact Most kids growing up don't get the experience that their parents want to know what's affecting them, and they're usually accurate to think that what they want and feel isn't important enough to parents (esp fathers)--so they're better off just keeping their mouth shut and forgetting about what was bothering them. I'm suggesting that your father may have showed you somehow that he would probably ignore anything that you said, unless it was what he wanted you to say. So you (and most others) learned to not trust men to care about what you think and feel. Unlearning that lesson ("Children should be seen but not heard") takes years and years of adulthood. The quickest way I know to learn to speak up to people you're naturally afraid to disturb is couple counseling -- because intimate partners and parents are the most important ones to speak your mind to -- an assertiveness training in groups -- for more general situations outside of intimacy.


You may have believed since childhood without fully realizing it that the only way to get loved by someone that matters to you is to figure out what they want and give it to them "with a smile." You began by writing that you weren't sure you were ready for a serious relationship yet, since you're only single for 3 years. And you've also explained that you get the wrong kinds of guys.


So the best thing you can do to GET YOURSELF MORE READY is to seek counseling as a kind of tutoring in the arts of managing couple relationships, and perhaps also explore what you learned about relationships and yourself in them from your experiences in childhood--so that you can change yourself towards a new person and also treat each new encounter with more emotional intelligence. For that has to be learned step by step, and you're likely to face more fears than what you can imagine now before you've started.


But transforming yourself into a new version of you is a great commitment to finding and being respected by the right kind of a guy, right because he'll have to cope with the new you that you've grown in your counseling.

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