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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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So my partner cheated on me and the relationship is done but

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So my partner cheated on me and the relationship is done but his birthday is XXXXX up and I don't know if it would be smart for me to send him a birthday card or not...I am still trying to get over him and it was a nasty cheating breakup on his behalf but for some reason I am thinking I should be the better person and close that chapter in my life and wish him happy birthday despite what he has done to me....Is that a good idea..... for some reason I think i should do that but then the other side of me tells me why...why would i care if he has a happy birthday when he ruined my life
I do understand both sides of where you are coming from. I would like to ask you a few questions, so I can help you better.
Is your goal by sending the card to be friends with him or get back together or are you just strictly wanting to show him you are the better person as well as moving on?

Do you feel by sending the card it will do you good in terms of letting go?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
At this moment I don't think i could take him back because he cheated on me and is now with the person he cheated on and i found out thru the person he cheated with that they are together....Yes right now I feel like I would want him because I miss him very much but can't say that down the road...I think sending the card will help me because I am the bigger person and he screwed up but i doubt that he knows what he has done...But then I am afraid to send the card just in case I don't hear form him or anything and then I will look like a fool. I sent him texts when I found out and he never responded to any of them and I asked to meet him to talk about why he did what he did and I called him at work and he said he will think about it and never responded and that hurt me even more that he wouuldn't meet with me to sit for the final time and tell me looking in the eyes why he cheated on me and then I forgave him and he still kept talking to me and the ther guy ...just wanted to for closure..
Thanks for explaining. Based on what you explained I don't think it would be good to send him the card because that will show you are still thinking about him. He is a person that did not even have the consideration to discuss this with you. He did not have the respect for you even after you found out. This shows that he is only thinking about himself and not your feelings at all. Then he had the nerve to talk with both of you at the same time even without the talk. This means he disregarded your feelings all together. I really don't think it would be good to send the card. He may not respond then you will feel worse and even if he does respond there will still be all that "mess" that he created between the both of you since he has no desire to clear the air. This can hurt you more with either outcome. I think you should show him that you have moved on and not send the card. One option you can do is write a letter explaining to him what he did to you since he seems to not realize and how you are moving on since he had no consideration for your feelings. Some counselors say to throw the letter away after that and some say to send it. That is up to you. However, I think the letter showing truths to him as well as that you are now moving on will clear the air as well as show him your current position much more than the card. However, I would not expect a reply. The letter would be for your closure and to move on to close this chapter in your life as well as to show him what happened and your strengths.

I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of any further help.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know he doesn't deserve it and no he didn't have any respect for my feelings or me...I don't understand why a person that cheated on me and I caught him and we separated would ask me for a second chance after he told me he didn't want to be together anymore and then keep cheating on me....I sent him numerous text messages at the day that I found out that he cheated again on me wiht the same person. I called him and he wouldn't answer and turned his phone off finally when I was able to convince his bf now to tell him to call me and explain and he didn't say anything except i am sorry and he doesn't know why he did what he did.. I just can't wrap my mind around why an individual would say I love you and I miss you etc during our first breakup and then ask me for second chance and cheat on me and hide it...just don't understand.......I sent him many texts and he never responded to any of them...nothing...he never said don't send me texts or sorry or stop texting me....just silence..which hurts even more.....I just feel betrayed that I gave him another chance and he gave me his word that he wants us to work on our relationship and yet he was till with the other person cheating on me. If it wasn't to his bf who knows how long he would have led me on and told me that he loves me while being with him in the ned.. Today is the day that he was supposed to come to see me for his birthday on tuesday and its very hard for me because I have a gift for him and stuff and its just tearing me apart..
I am so sorry I do understand what you mean. It is not fair at all. There can be many reasons why he has done this. Could be because he is confused or thought he can get away with having both of you. He can be narcissist and only think about himself. Whatever the reason the pain is still real and it will take time to heal. We may not understand somethings in life, but we can still build up the strength to get passed them. It will take time to heal, but the best thing you can do is to stay busy and try not to think about him. Focus on other things in your life and maybe doing some things you haven't had time to do. All of these are ways you can cope with the pain to make it easier, but time is what truly will heal and take away the pain completely. Even though it seems impossible it really is not and you deserve someone that will truly love and respect you not only with words, but with actions as well.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i guess i just need to learn to move on but its hard to move on..Everything reminds me of him and even if i don't have to think about him stuff reminds me of him and there it goes.....i guess i never got the closure that i needed from him..Maybe a don't talk to me or I don't love you anymore never did or something like that would really help me heal but the silence is just killing me
Thank you for your positive rating. Yes, that is why I think the letter would be good because regardless of his silence you will be creating your own closure without needing to rely on him for it. Things will remind you of him, but try to replace the thought immediately. It does get easier and easier over time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I just wish i could stop blaming myself for this and I find the good in him no matter what even thou what he has done is not right and the more I find the good the more it hurts me..
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
and the other thing thats always confusing my mind is he as upset or sad a bit about loosing me...He cried when I busted him cheating and all and said he was cheated on before etc..But makes me wonder if people who cheat feel any pain or guilt or anything..
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am not sure but for some reason I feel like I should send him a letter and apologize for the mean things that I said about thim to him when I found out he cheated but then i believe that I am giving in to what he was doing is ok .He didn't care to do this to me so I guess he deserves it but I kinda fee bad for what I said because afterall I loved him and still do and we shared our life and he was there for me and i feel like i am obligated to send him an apology and also maybe a birthday card for the times that he was there for me during my lowest times in my life. He was there when I was diagnosed with an illness and he helped me cope with it and he went to the doctor with me etc andf stayed by my side and I just feel like I owe him an apology or something For that I can never be more thankful. Not sure what to do

If you feel like you should apologize for those reasons than I don't see a problem with that. Maybe you could have handled your emotions more maturely. However, that does not change what he did or make it right. If you do apologize the purpose would be for closure on your behalf in order to let him know you feel as if you should have not handled things in the manner you did because of how grateful you are to him. However, be sure to explain that it is because of what you both had that hurt you the most. He deceived you by cheating on you even after the strong relationship you had together. Even repeated it after apologizing and then ignored you, so how can he be trusted.

All in all even if you write an apology and a birthday card he still would need to take initiative to change because at this point he is not considering your feelings. It would be best for your own good to not pick at each of your faults. At this point the big picture is he cheated and is ignoring you and you are not to blame for this. It is up to him to show his love to you through action if he feels any remorse.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes I could have handled my emotions little bit differently but at that point I lost it. I experienced anger and betrayal and I blacked out and I feel terrible for the things that I said to him. I asked to talk to Him and he said he would think about it and never got back with me and maybe thats a sign that he doesn;t want anything to do with me . Deep down I feel like he still cares about me and maybe he accepted the other individual out of fear that I will leave him and the other guy is there for him .... I don't know but I am confused how he never said a word to me why he did what he did or told me not to call him anymore or anything after all the messages. I am just confused and miss him a lot...
Even though you do not like how you reacted you still really did act normally. You were hurt and deceived. It is not fair for him to be upset with you because of that and ignore what he has done. That is being manipulative and trying to use that in order to cover himself. That is unfair. Whether you want to apologize or not it does not change what he has done and he needs to take responsibility for that. Sometimes things in life just don't make sense and from there we need to choose which path is best for ourselves.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know I.need to move on and I would feel much better if he would say go away or I don't love you ..leave me alone ...but he never did and I just don't know why he is not ..he would say I love u and then do all of this is just can an individual act like they r in love ..he always said the right words ..showed me love and such and then now he ignores me and doesn't even want to see me to say two thibgs why he cheated and lied ...he said he cheated on me all 3.5 years but I never suspected and he did everything that someone who is in love does ...surprised me ..treated me good ..etc ..maybe that's why ita hard for me to accept that he is no longer interested ..I believe that he dates the other guy because he was afraid I wil dump him so he is just as his security blanket not to be alone but then how can i trust that ..I am lost and miss him everyday more and more ..hewwas the love of my life and I feel like I can't live my life without him