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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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K I hope all is well. my cousin is married for 8 years and

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K I hope all is well. my cousin is married for 8 years and he thinks about guys and wants to include a guy in his marital relationship.his wife is confused. He would never force her, however I am perplexed as to why this so-called fantasy is consuming him to the point of distress, and suffering. he knows the risks but why is it so consuming for him? it feels like something is really wrong.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hi Dee,

It sounds like there is more going on here than he either realizes or is willing to say. Without talking to him directly it is hard to say exactly what might be driving this need for him, but in general people who feel the need to do something like this to themselves or marriage regardless of the consequences are being driven by something other than just a desire to fulfill a fantasy.

Sometimes a past history of abuse can make a person want to hurt themselves or their relationship emotionally. It could also be an issue with being self centered. If he feels his needs are more important he might push the issue until he gets his way.

It is important for your cousin's wife to stick by her feelings on this situation. To give in just so her husband can play out a fantasy will cost her emotionally. It would be ideal for your cousin to seek help from a therapist as well before he decides to take action on this fantasy.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I know he feels physically inadequate or maybe not doesn't measure up to other men. But does that in itself not make someone want to act out such a potentially harmful act ? And when you say self centered do you mean something along the lines of narcissism? And by the way, it really helped when you spurred me on to read more about narcissistic traits it. It really help me see what I'm dealing with at home. It's an eye opener disturbing one. I will ask you another question under separate cover if you will still be around.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
You are right, feeling like you do not measure up would not cause what he is feeling. Many people experience low self esteem but they do not suggest threesomes in their marriage because of it.

Self centeredness could play a part in what he is doing since he seems to be ignoring his wife's needs in this situation. But it is highly unlikely that is the cause.

The only way to know for sure is if he is willing to see a therapist to get to the root of the issue. But in the meanwhile, it is important he tries not to act on this desire until he is sure why he has a driving need to do so.

I'm glad the resources helped you! I should be here for another half hour or so if you want to talk further.

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