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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My boyfriend

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My boyfriend got a call late Tues night and at the end of the conversation he said, "I love you too". When I enquired who it was, he said it was his (male) neighbor. Then I said " To me that sounds very gay to say to another man that you love him". I am not sure what upset him so much, but he got really angry with me, and said I was an educated woman and should know that men can love each other etc etc as friends etc and I should know that. etc He also said I was trying to change him. How could he deduce that from my comment? He has not spoken to me since and he asked me to leave his apartment. Its two days later and he still wont speak to me. I called him last night and apologized to him for making him angry, but he just said "I dont believe you mean it"..... I dont know what to do. I feel sick inside and still dont know exactly what set him off. Have you got any idea why he reacted to this extreme? I can understand if got upset or something, but never to this extent. What buttons did I push that caused this?
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

There are two possibilities here. One, your boyfriend was very offended by what you said because it touched a nerve for him. Some men are very sensitive to being called gay and become defensive if it happens. Even if you just meant it as an offhand comment and not seriously, it could bring these feelings up for him. That is not to say it is your fault. How he handles his feelings are his responsibility so he should accept your apology and let it go.

Two, your boyfriend was talking to someone you were not supposed to know was there. His reaction seems over the top and so it may be guilt he is feeling. And if you called him on it, he might feel guilty enough that he is taking it out on you. So each time he has contact with you, he feels bad so he expresses that by trying to get you to go away.

At this point, you have done everything you can to address this issue with him. He seems to be overreacting to the situation and that says this is about him and not what you did. If there was nothing wrong except a little offense on your part, he would accept your apology and let it go. But there is more to this than he is telling you.

It may help to tell him that you are not sure why he is acting this extreme about what you said but that you have apologized already and now it is in his court. Then let it go for a while. That is not easy to do, but he is going to have to decide how he wants to approach this if he wants a relationship with you. Give it about a week then maybe try again. If he is still reacting the same way, then it may be time to ask him to be honest with you. He should not be carrying on longer than a few days about this situation.

I hope this has helped you,
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So how does what I say tie in with "dont try to change me"?
It's not clear what he meant by that. It seems out of context. It sounds like something he might have an agenda about. Some men feel that all women want to change them and he may have thrown that comment out just because it was part of being upset.

Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

Take care,