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Im 24 I have been dating with my girlfriend for 6 month,(We

I'm 24 I have been...
I'm 24 I have been dating with my girlfriend for 6 month,(We are all Asian,But from different country) she has a great heart and she is sincere! I fell in love with her.I am thinking about to marry her。

But these things below keep bothering me

1.(The prejudice of American): she had an American Boy friend before. She got genital herpes from him!she told me it was bcause the condom broke that night.

then they just did it without condom,That's the first time they did it without condom ,before that night she didn't konw

he has herpes,this guy didn't tell her that until the next day. and i can't believe that guy had kept that secret for 8 month! He is selfish!

I hate this guy.and i have the prejudice of all American tourists who travle to Aisa and teaching English here!

2(Can't fully enjoy having sex with her):when we have sex i have to be very careful in order to not get herpes from her.sometimes i even imagine about the sense of her sexual past while we are

having sex.

3: I also feel unfair and upset,Why he gave herpes to such a good girl,He is such a selfish guy, why he had deserved her! I wish i could meet her before this guy,eveything

would be different,i know it's a kind of meaningless thought,but i can't stop thinking about it.


4:(less confidence) Sometimes i even think the American's penis is bigger than mine, I'm Asian,But my girlfriend said she had a few times orgasm with her ex-boyfirend only in a year

But i make her to reach the orgasm most of the time, it makes me feel better.


5.(jealousy) She used to tell me she really love her Ex-boyfriend, but at that time we were just friend, But now i feel upset about this, why she said that, this guy

was absolutely fooling her and brought her life into disaster, and yes He did it.

6(I don't have a peace of mind ) I heard about the girls in this country are not really faithful.So i did some researches, it surprised me, it shows that more than 60% of the women

have ever had lived with a secondary husband in history.And the people that i know they are also weird, For example my teacher he is living with a woman who divorced with her husband

one french guy divorced with her wife(local girl),many tragic stories! But i konw my girlfriend is different from them, I am very sure about that

but I just couldn't stop having doubts about her. i often think if she is really faithful? Some dirty thoughts came to my mind! it's bothering.


===expectations

I don't want to leave my girlfriend even she has herpes, because of sympathy and what i am doing now is meaningful.I wXXXXX XXXXXe her life to be better.

I am taking good care of her, give her encouragements, She said she never felf so happy before, she feels love from, It encourages me to keep taking care of her

I don't konw how to get over these ridiculious thoughts,

I hope someone can give me some advices or teach me the healthy way to deal with it.
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Answered in 1 hour by:
5/16/2013
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified

Dr. Norman Brown : You've asked a lot of questions, and I have a lot of answers. Before your questions here's something: 6 months is the normal time for marriage thoughts to get more serious and ALSO for the first BIG differences and problems to be obvious to you.
Dr. Norman Brown : 1. It sounds like the romantic & sexual customs of Thailand are looser than in your own country of origin. In fact, it's true that many American tourists go there to have a sexual affair. It's totally understandable that you'd be very uncomfortable about sex and very aware that she's had a history you'd rather not know about. We like to act as if our partner has returned to virginity since her last relationship, so we need to not have much knowledge about her past. You are trying to return her to the kind of PURITY that you want in the woman you love, your loving leads you to idealizing thoughts about her, but her history spoils those thoughts by contradicting them.
Dr. Norman Brown : 5. She idealized her American when they were together, and now she's gotten over that kind of thinking about him, and SHE wants to think that way about you. That's exactly how love works.
Dr. Norman Brown : If your researches have shown that >60% of modern Thai women have shared their bodies with men besides their husband, I presume you've talked with your girlfriend about being loyal with you, and she's said YES she would do that. Do you intend to keep living in Thailand with her? or to move back to your own country, where you won't be likely to fear what she might do?
Dr. Norman Brown : I have not lived in Thailand. But I do believe that a woman could begin her young adult sexual life as a series of affairs and then realize that she doesn't want her life to be that way. So she could stop. IF there are no forces in her culture that would keep pushing her towards such affairs even after marriage. What are those forces? Money? Having the foreign tourists spend lots of money for a woman who has very little money? Having a foreigner promise to bring a woman back to his own country as his wife? If you want to bring this girl back home as your wife, will she go with you? If she's already happier than ever before, ask her if she'd feel even more happy if she could go to your country with you as your wife. Does she have a lot of family that she'd have to leave behind? How long do you plan to stay in Thailand?
Customer: first of all, Thanks for the
Customer: Thank you very much Dr.Norman Brown. Actually there are 2 factors that keep pushing a woman towards affairs , economic factors and social factors. I think I can get over it. Because I started to work since I was 19 years old. I am studying Thai language now, I plan to run some business here, I might spend my rest of life here, but I am not quiet sure about that.
Customer: but the place that I am living now is just great , people are really friendly, she is applying the scholarship for study her master degree , and I might go to the same country with her to get a bachelor degree also, that's our plan. I can afford the costs for studies , and her English is just perfect, and she works in a Non-profit organization for 2 years, according to her working experience she got high probability to get the scholarship. Everything seems promising and hopeful.
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
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Dear XXXXXny, The prospect of studing together in a foreign land is VERY good for building the relationship you want. Going to Germany after my bachelors degree and U California Berkeley with my girlfriend at that time was very important to build the foundation of our relationship, because we were each the most important person to the other in a strange country. So there will be many good new (and also anxious new) experiences that you'll share with each other. What country will that be?
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
Dr. Norman Brown and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
we will probably go somewhere in Europe. We haven't decided yet, it's depends on the scholarship actually.i am sorry I feel like I didn't stay on topic. As you said the problem is that I want a kind purity love , I was born in country side , I grew up in there , and the sexual affair is rare in there. People are traditional.but I know it's not heathy to think like that. But It's contradictory. She is very kind and she likes to play with boys ,she doesn't have too many female friends actually, I can understand this, because she told me when she was a child , there were no too many girls around her house, I think it's something about her childhood. But I am jealous about this.and once upon a time , we talked about her herpes. She said should i ask about my ex-boyfriend how to deal with it? He might have more experience , I feel really upset, why she is still thinking about this guy, this guy hurt her too much before . I just don't understand this

I lived and studied in Europe for 5 years, and I loved it and it changed me forever. I studied in Germany, but France, Northern Italy down to Rome, Belgium, The Netherlands, Switzerland, Spain, All these would be wonderful. I never wanted to go to Great Britain, because I didn't want to speak English. But I did spend 3 months there while working on my doctoral dissertation, and it was wonderful too. (I forgot that English is your second language. But if I were you and her and it could not be UK or in English, I'd choose French or Spanish as my 3rd language, because they are more widely used than German, which is my 2nd language, with French 3rd, Italian 4th, Greek 5th--but each one less proficient than the one before it. I'm confident that with 2 months of immersion language school, which I'm sure they have in France, Belgium, Italy and Spain, you could get good enough at any one of those 3 languages to take classes. And I bet that the Netherlands has some college level programs in English, and Switzerland might also.

 

I can help with your girlfriend's problem. I got Herpes from a brief girlfriend in 1976 and had an accident that gave it to my wife in 1989. She still gets brief outbreaks when she has high stress, but I almost never do. It is much worse for her than for me because of our gender differences in anatomy. There is at present nothing that will kill it off for good. BUT there is a very cheap chemical available in capsules online that kills is as well as the expensive medical (patented) drugs: It's called BHT, or Butylated Hydroxytoluene. A friend from the late 1970s who had been a pharmacist in the American army in the 50s told me they used it for herpes in the military.

 

BHT is a cooking oil preservative. It breaks down the fatty membrane that protects the herpes virus, and that allows your own body to kill it in 2-4 days. That's actually BETTER than any newer drug, because your own body gets better at killing the virus, because all BHT does is dissolve its main protection. BHT is also mentioned in some books on "Life Extension" because it kills free radicals in the body, and those are major agents for aging and breakdown of body defenses against things like cancer. (The big drug companies won't research BHT, because they'd just lose more profits from their patented drugs.)

 

There are two possible down-sides to BHT: 1. since it dissolves fatty membranes, it can weaken your stomach walls, and if you have a sensitive stomach like my wife does, it might make some high acid or spicy foods hurt your stomach walls. But you don't take BHT except during an outbreak, and you could take an anti-acid from a drug store during those days. I might take 3-4 pills the first day, 2 the second and 2 the 3rd, and it'll be healing over. But women won't be able to see it healing, just feel it.

2. BHT speeds the metabolism of alcohol in your liver, so you get drunk faster and get over drinking faster. I used to drink too much once in a few months in my mid 30s after I got herpes, but rarely ever since then. Obviously alcohol should not be drunk during an outbreak. But for dealing when drinking, it's best to take the BHT when going to bed after drinking, so the alcohol is all metabolized by morning and there's no hangover. (But the most important treatment for hangovers is to drink plenty of water while drinking alcohol, because most of the headache is due to dehydration.)

 

I assume you can get BHT shipped from USA (at least) in 250 or 500 capsule bottles. At 6-10 caps per outbreak, that's a lot of treatment capability. I've not kept up with any newer treatments, because I don't need more than 1-2 days worth anymore and my wife refuses to take it and doesn't want to figure out how to protect her stomach so she can take it: She also rarely has outbreaks anymore. A man I knew who had it himself told me that in dies down after 10 to 12 years. I've found that to be slower for myself, but it was pretty infrequent for me by 1989. (In fact I didn't know I had it, because I had just arrived by flying back from Europe, and I didn't know that flying at high altitudes can cause an outbreak--so keep that in mind when you travel.)

 

I have to go now. I hope that helps.

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
Dr. Norman Brown and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Thanks for spending your time on my questions, I feel like i shouldn't ask more questions. Your experience is definitely helpful.I think i will work on herpes issue more. It's good to know your herpes history, At least i feel hopeful to deal with it even i don't have it.
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Satisfied Customers: 1,207
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