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Hi kate ..I asked a recent question but really wanted your

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opinion if ok.......
Hi kate ..I asked a recent question but really wanted your opinion if ok....
Submitted: 4 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
5/13/2013
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
TherapistMaryAnn
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Hi! Sure that is fine. I'll be here a bit longer.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

is there a way to tell the difference between a limitation and deliberate manipulation? I haven't asked this question before so scratch what I said. However my husband hasn

t respond it to my request for time and attention throughout the years. I am no longer looking for it and find myself saying no when he does ask me because it feels like too little too late. also it's inconsistent with his behavior in general because he goes about his business acting like a single man ignoring my existence and then at the end of the day when he's tired last night if I want to do something. Of course not I'm not interested. Well the question really is ...I also hear him ask ..How are you? but it sounds so shallow. Is it his limitations meaning his personality disorderor is it manipulation...the same question applies to him asking me out suddenly after all these years......are both of these behaviors manipulation? it seems obvious but remember I've been this way too long to have a clear perspective. I'm almost embarrassed to say I don't have clear perspectiveI appreciate your availability Kate...

Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Sorry about these horrible typographical errors.
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
No problem, Dee. I'm happy to help, anytime :)

It is confusing to know if he is being manipulative on purpose or if he really cannot help himself due to a personality disorder. But manipulation is part of a personality disorder. There are personality disorders that include manipulation as part of the symptoms such as Anti social personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder and Narcissism. So how he is acting is most likely just part of whatever personality disorder your husband does have, if he has one. Given how he treats you and the abuse you have suffered with him, it is very likely he does have one. So the best way to respond to his questions and inquiries is with whatever makes you feel protected and comfortable.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Excellent explanation. Right. The manipulation is a part of the personality disorder. The manipulation is more with me than with the kids and asking me out more often is a change in behavior. You are absolutely correct that I have to behave in ways to self protect above all other reasons. I am still in survival mode.
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Thanks much Kate once again.
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
You are very welcome, Dee!

Unfortunately, that is usually how you have to respond to someone who has a personality disorder. Self care and protecting yourself from being manipulated is the best way to preserve who you are, without being dragged in and controlled.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
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Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
Thank you Dee! Take care.
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Uuhhhh....ittakes much energy away from me, not to mention complex ptsd. I would imagine it's similar to living with an alcoholic or somebody with bipolar but I'm not sure.
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Thanks good evening to you.
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
Yes. It is common for those living with someone with a personality disorder to feel drained dry emotionally. That is because the person with a personality disorder is so needy. Personality disorders develop because a person's needs are not met as a child. So they learn to get what they need emotionally by manipulating others through behaviors, which does not stop when they become adults. And they present as normal to some, but to those who live with them it is a totally different story, just like you are experiencing. Their behavior can be baffling and very draining.

Kate
TherapistMaryAnn
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
it makes sense but I'm a little confused I must admit. Well he usually ignores my existence and only makes comments or statement that are superficial or related to himself.
so I guess on some level he is getting his needs met by ignoring me ?
it's not the easiest to understand, these personality disorders that actually seem to make me crazy
its difficult to see how he is needy because he ignores me
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
It would depend on what personality disorder he has to explain why he ignores you. Ignoring someone and putting your own needs first plus being abusive is usually Narcissistic personality disorder. And ignoring you might be just his way of putting himself first. Abusing you is getting his needs met by hurting you to the level he feels hurt. It might help to read more about Narcissism to see what fits and what does not:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/do-you-love-a-narcissist/

See if these sites help you pinpoint what behaviors your husband has and what they might mean. It could be that he is not a narcissist, but from what you have told me, that diagnosis makes the most sense.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
thank you much yes I will look into narcissism links youve sent.
The therapist that I have seen also mentioned that narcissism is a part of the personality disorder he suffers from which he referred to as cluster B.
I will check them out now thanks again have a good night
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
You're welcome! I'm glad you mentioned that your therapist feels the same about the diagnosis. It seems to fit the best given the behaviors that you have talked about your husband having. And if Narcissism does fit, it makes perfect sense why you feel as you do about him.

Take care, Dee. And let me know if you need any more resources.

Kate
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Deriving pleasure from hurting someone else is just something very difficult for me to wrap my head around. I've lost so much love for him. okay that's it for my comments thanks again
Counselor: TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor replied 4 years ago
I understand and agree. It is hard to take in that someone could do that to another person. You are doing what you can to deal with a very difficult situation. Hang in there.

Take care,

Kate
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