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I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been

I hope someone can help...

I hope someone can help me figure this out.. I (38)have been in a relationship with a man(38) that I love very much for several months. I have no kids from previous 12 yr marriage, he has 2 from 2 previous marriages. There have really been no issues with us. We were very happy. We talked constantly about our future together. He had been asking me to move in for a while and I really wanted to but needed to be sure about some things first... His 2nd ex wife (divorced for 18 mths) the mother of his 3 yr old daughter recently decided to move back from Staten Island to a house she bought 4 blocks from my boyfriend. Just a little background on her..She cheated on her husband of 8 months(my boyfriend) and left with her previous boyfriend on 2 different occassions to live with him in Staten Island. They recently broke up (for now anyway..she has a strong history of juggling that ex boyfriend) Now she told my boyfriend she wants to get back together with him and be the family they were meant to be and that things will be totally different now. He was honest with me about all that and said he is super confused about what to do. He loves me a great deal but she has some kind of power over him. He turns into a doormat for some reason with her. So at this point we are pretty much broken up and she is working her magic hanging his daughter over him I assume. Everyone tells him how stupid he is and she will do it again but he is falling for her act. She went straight from her boyfriend to mine within a few days.. A few days ago I told him to leave my stuff on his back porch and I would pick it up after my night job..he said ok but then proceeded to leave me a long text that I saw when I left work..It read..."I put your stuff in back...I hate this.. I love you nothing less but we can't talk or see each other? It's crazy to me..How do I feel about you and you me like we do and not talk or see each other? But I guess its best for you. I just know if you wanted me this wouldn't be happening..you wouldn't stand for it and you would just take me. That's what I was hoping for on Sunday. But I guess I'll stick with my bad decision and have to regret losing you..I'm sorry I hurt you. Really. I hope we can still be friends..I was hoping for more. Maybe you'll change your mind..tell me this isn't happening and take me and tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe someday. Just not yesterday. Your stuff is out back..miss you." (end Text) I didn't go get my stuff that night because I wasn't feeling well but I saw that text and so I thought omg he is choosing me!..and even though I feel like I should not be the one who has to fight for this since I did nothing wrong, I still did. I couldn't call him the next day since he was working but I needed to respond to his text so I did and I put it all out there..telling him he was mine and we have a very happy future that I refuse to let him destroy etc... The response I got to my text was seemingly cold and blah..so I asked if he was retracting his text from the night before? He said.."I don't know..I am so confused and tired.." Seriously? That made me feel very foolish..since then he has been strange and coldish in his texts..I went to pick up my stuff while he was gone this morning and he did not leave it all out. I could have used the hidden spare key I use but no longer want to enter his house while he is not there. I now have to go back tomorrow on his day off to pick up my stuff and I guess say good bye in person officially. I don't want it to be over and I am not sure what else to do about it..What can I do to make him realize he shouldn't give up what we have to go back with someone who has torn up his family in the past? My heart is breaking badly and I feel like I have no say in what happens...please help me. Thank you..


...just needed to add some info..I know both of his daughters 15 and 3..they both love me and always ask about me when I am not around..and we had intentions of having a baby of our own and getting married. It is still possible that I am pregnant right now but I won't know for another week.

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Answered in 3 hours by:
5/13/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you.

You are learning about the true nature and depth of your boyfriend's character and moral strength.

You have seen that he does not have the grit that is necessary to have a committed relationship.

HIs lack of resolve and his inability to even know what he wants will always be a part of his personality. I'm sure that you don't want to have to work at keeping him when he is so easily swayed.

You can't have peace of mind in this relationship because he is not offering any security.

It is not true that you have no say in what happens. You have the power to say no and give him a final ultimatum. If he cannot be 100% committed to you then you can tell him that he is not acceptable. Because you are in love with him, you cannot accept less because it hurts too much.

He cannot tell you in good faith that he wants you and then become wishy washy.

This is a heart breaker, but if he does not have what it takes to commit to you, then you are only setting yourself up for more pain and a roller coaster relationship, which is something he is experienced with and finds acceptable, or at best cannot escape.

I suggest that you draw your line and set your limit and tell him that he can not cross it or you will be gone.

What else can you do?

I understand how painful this is but you cannot make him strong, responsible, and committed. If he can do this then he will be worthy of you. If not, he cannot.

I wish you the strength to show him the right choice and then it is up to him.

I shall keep you in my prayers for success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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