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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Im trying to make my LDR work. My boyfriend and I are

Customer Question

I'm trying to make my LDR work.

My boyfriend and I are as of now in a pretty toxic relationship apart, but when we're together it's like we're back in high school skipping class and having fun. The problem is, we once decided he would come back after this year of college, and then it became after another fall semester, and now I'm not sure if coming back is on the table at all, which I'd rather accept and work through than abandon all hope and break up. His summer is full of obligations to his parents and away from our home in Baltimore to remain a New York resident and pay in-state tuition. I try and be understanding, and ask him want he wants. He says, "I want to come home, there's just so much stress that goes with it."

Yes, I'm young and statistics are discouraging but when people try and tell me it's not working and wonder why I put myself through this, I tell them and myself "Distance is one of the hardest things someone can put themselves through, relationship wise. No one said it would be easy, but I believe it's worth it."

I can't really speak for my boyfriend though. It seems like he gets more frustrated everyday. It'd be the worst thing to lose him over something as stupid as distance and my undeniable neurotic tendencies. I would never break up with him, and he hasn't tried to break up with me yet... but I can feel him getting closer to with every conversation we have. So I guess my question is, how can I reel him in a little closer to me? How can we figure this thing out together?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

When you feel bonded with someone, as you do, it is difficult to accept a breakup. Relationships can be very comforting like old sweaters, and they are hard to part with.

I understand you want to keep this one. Friends tell you to "dump him", but you are also feeling like he has dumped you.

Perhaps you need to pay him a surprise visit to New York and see how you are received, seeing that he is not coming down to Baltimore to see you. If you find that too drastic you could announce that that you want to spend a weekend with him. It is a wonderful time to visit

Its not far. You could plan for a special event and rekindle your relationship with him just by being together. This would be the most effective approach you could take.

If you would like to discuss this question do not hesitate to get back to me and I shall be so glad to help.

Warm regards,,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

unfortunately, he's leaving for vermont on tuesday straight from school. Is there anyway I could make him more confident in working things out with me from over the phone or email?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Anne,

I have several ideas on how you can boost his confidence and increase his positive thinking about your relatiionship.

Face-to-face physical contact is always the best. I suppose it would be out of the question (because of your own commitments) to ask to join him in Vermont or meet him in NY and then travel up with him.

If that is out of the question you could still plan a weekend trip some other time in the near future.

Do you think he may be avoiding you? He will not lose his New York State residency by taking short or even extended trips away. He could have invited you to go with him to Vermont, or come to see you instead? He is not doing anything to foster this relationship, at the current moment, so it is up to you to initiate closer contact - if he is willing

You can invite him or invite yourself, without bringing up any of the negatives about which you are thinking.

You say that you have all of these neurotic tendencies that you believe are bothering him. You need to work on your self.

There are a few good self-help books in thuis department with many ideas and approaches. I suggest that you get both of these excellent books and from them work out the best strategy that suits your situation and personality. This is your best approach.

Light His Fire: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love With You by Ellen Kreidman


How to Keep Your Man: And Keep Him for Good by Darren G. Burton


Be positive with him on the phone and wish him a great time. Tell him that you would love to be able to go up to see the beatiful Green Mountains and the New England Spring. Be ONLY positive. Show him that you are enthusiastic and self assured, in your emails and phone conversations. Ask him to call you or email if he gets a chance. Put those most positive thoughts about you into his head.

I wish you great success and patience, letting events unfold.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My boyfriend is not avoiding me. He has invited me up to Vermont with him and is anxious to see me again. However, I don't have the money.

Our relationship has gotten far better recently, but I'm still left unsatisfied. I ask him what his plans are for this relationship and he responds he's too young to be thinking about certain things and I agree he shouldn't plan his whole life out, and I certainly wouldn't be accepting any marriage proposals as of now.

I would like to know, however, what I'm going through all this for? Are we ever going to be in the same state what with college and then grads school and who knows what else? How do I know every thing I sacrifice is worth it?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Anne,

Relationships can be "planned" but the best plans usually are overturned by reality. Relationships should be pursued because of a mutual interest (which is why you are pursuing yours) and must be nurtured.

Asking the question about what plans someone has for a relationship is very hard to answer. Relationships unfold, and if they do so successfully they more or less continue to grow and the bond strengthens.

You are going through all of this because you have found a real mutual attraction and when this happens you feel that "love will find a way".

If you feel that it is going to be too much to sacrifice, and the distance in miles is too far, the you have the option of parting ways.

Sometimes it helps to draw out a list of pros and cons in a relationship and have a good look at it. The process of creating it can do a lot to merely formulate your thoughts more clearly and make a decision.

You have goals that you want to attain as does he. Can you attain these goals and have a relationship? Only YOU can formulate the questions you need to ask of yourself and then only you can answer them.

If you can find a way up to Vermont, perhaps with a little help from him to help you make ends meet, the you could move closer to seeing how your relationship is developing. If you can do this, it would be helpful in solving some of the emotional issues between you two.

I wish you courage to find the answer and try to make this visit work in the near future.

Warm regards,