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I have been with my girlfriiend now for 3 years and she has

been on alcohol during this...
I have been with my girlfriiend now for 3 years and she has been on alcohol during this time. She has been sort of overbearing, and overly sensitive so I have learned to develop a "coping mechanism" for it and looked forward to the day she will be better. In the last 4 months I started having anxiety attacks. 2 Weeks ago she has gotten detoxed and is well again, except for some Ativan and Celexa and a few small glasses of wine a day to ease her stress from my stress. I am now on Ativan because two weeks ago just as she came out I had to go in to the psych ward because of fear of thoughts of violating loved ones (which until now I had a grapple on) I learned they are a result of deep rooted shame. The psychs determined the thoughts were not of my intent and Im safe an let me got to outpatient services. I cannot be with her unless I'm taking these anti anxiety meds. Without them I sometimes have heightened anxiety attacks that really scare me. They suggested Celexa but I dont want to use that. I am finding though that I guess my coping mechanism is still in place and I don't like it - it feels angry, defensive. I love her very much but Im finding I am having feelings of uptightness , or defensiveness with her, and those coupled with the negative intrusive thoughts causes me to feel like I need to notch myself down with meds or need space.
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Answered in 7 hours by:
5/12/2013
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you.

Your relationship with this woman seems to be destroying you. Your coping mechanism seems to be that you react with panic attacks when you are near her, and begin to get harmful intrusive thoughts.

You cannot handle this relationship and it is tearing you apart.

You may love her but you cannot have a relationship with her because she is very damaged and the relationship is damaging you. You are not lifting her up She is bringing you down.

If your house is burning down you can stand there with a hose on yourself and hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX can simply get out.

That is the metaphor that describes the choice of "notching" yourself down with drugs, or must giving yourself more space.

I urge you to take the space and to use it to recover from your anxiety, rather than continue the stressors that are driving you to become used to medication.

Take a breather from this relationship, as hard as it may be to do.

She is a chronic alcoholic and she may always be this way and have this effect on your life and your well-being.

I wish you great strength and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards.

Elliott, MAE, LPCC NCC, CCMHC
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago

A chronic alcoholic? Why do you say that? I asked her about the wine, and she said it will be bye bye. I may have painted a really bad picture of her, but now she is too herself and quiet, yet Im all tweaked out. Space is tha last thing she would want to hear, but ID rather that then meds and psych wards. Then after a while we may get back together?

Dear Rob,

I assumed that when you said she was on alcohol for the last three years that she was an alcoholic. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

She may not like the idea of putting a little rest time between you so that you can both get your thoughts and feelings together, but it seems that if you keep on with some period of taking a break, that your stress and anxiety, and perhaps depression, will continue to mount.

I hear from your words that you really need to have one and I believe that it would be a good idea for you.

Take that break. Set a time that she understands, and tell her that after that break you will get back to her in the hope that the rest will give you both time to get yourselves together.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers

Sorry about the delay, but JustAnswer has been having techhnical problems.

Warm regards,

Elliott
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Elliot,
I have suggested seperating but she was totally devastated and took it as me breaking up and me abandoning her. For me to even live downstairs she couldnt handle. Are you a Chrisitian? I am as well. Im wondering if the Lord woul dhave us seperate just to be pleasing to Him? But after three years?
Dea Rob,

A good Christian relatioship involves courtship, marriagage, and procreation, and not marginally existing in a painful relationship. This relationship is preventing you from having a Christian family life.

She does not know what she wants and does not seem to be mentally fit to have a relationship with you. You are allowing her to do this, Rob, by trying to do what she wants but she really doesn't seem to know.

She seems to be using a technique of emotional blackmail. She puts a lock on you but does not take posession of you.

You are free to leave this relationship. Stay or go, she will continue to be in pain. You do not also have to be in pain. You are not helping her and you are sabotaging your chances for a happier life.

May God give you guidance and strenghth that His will be done. Your joy is His Glory.

Many blessings to you.

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Verified
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Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Are you a marriage counselor? Do you think you can counsel us both on here? I know I may have made her sound to be like a basket case but she is very intelliegent and does have a heart of gold. She works as a barista at Starbucks at the Hilton and works very hard. She is a real trooper.These toughts I have I believe are rooted in deep shame I have had. When I told God I would choose to really commit and marry her, I had two dreams. God, devil I dunno, but they have created a real mind screw for me as youll see why--the first one being of huge writing tablets used in erew meetings to draw stuff out - there were several in a row and a new page turned over from left to right spelling "MISLEAD" and Im thinking what does this mean --am I being mislead by the enemy? Am I misleading her? She, me? Then the second dream was a real mind screw for me because it showed what looked like a ticker tape but it had
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Are you a marriage counselor? Do you think you can counsel us both on here? I know I may have made her sound to be like a basket case but she is very intelliegent and does have a heart of gold. She works as a barista at Starbucks at the Hilton and works very hard. She is a real trooper.These toughts I have I believe are rooted in deep shame I have had. When I told God I would choose to really commit and marry her, I had two dreams. God, devil I dunno, but they have created a real mind screw for me as youll see why--the first one being of huge writing tablets used in erew meetings to draw stuff out - there were several in a row and a new page turned over from left to right spelling "MISLEAD" and Im thinking what does this mean --am I being mislead by the enemy? Am I misleading her? She, me? Then the second dream was a real mind screw for me because it showed what looked like a ticker tape but it had and evil design on it and there was one running on top and one on the bottom
opposite ways and then they stopped and it read "KILL ------" The second word or maybe name was fogged out! I couldnt see it! So while she was in detox getting better I was alone at my place wondering what these dreams meant like when she gets back all brand new, am I going to hurt her? With my bad thoughts coupled with these dreams and waking up every morning with painful emotioanal dreams. So Im having anxiety attacks and pacing the floors because somehow I think Ill be her demise or spmething bad will happen as all shame based people have a problem with. Even now I am trying to fight the lies of the enemy that somehow Ill hurt her.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,664
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Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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