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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1205
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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hurt and have to move on

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ok..I have a problem. He just text after I text him what you told me to. I text I hope you feel better. How is your head? and let me know if you need anything. He replies Hey Tasha I want to this right now ok. I ask him Do what? he says relationship, and I respond I would love to . He then says I dont want to date u looking. So from that I believe he wants to be with me and only me. I says. Awww..thanks baby. Trust me I feel the same way. I don't have a problem with us being exculsive. Then he say's I can't talk to u. So now I become confused and and ask why? I asked do you want to stop communicating and he says yes. I ask can you tell me why? He does respond so I said you are right I guess things are not working out..What gives with him ? He later text me saying good bye and i wanted curse him out but I said tell your new woman I said hello.  I was fine until he said good bye.  I think he is playing mind games.


I have a question I meet a guy 3 weeks ago, and everything was going fine. I need to know why did he pretend he wanted a relationship just for him to tell me he has to stop talking to me. I am hurt.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: I still need help.

It sounds like you met a guy online, and he didn't care what he needed to say if he wanted to get sexual with you, he'd just say it. After all if you couldn't see his face when he was texting you he wouldn't have to make a sincere face when he was lying. Agreeing to any relationship with a man (or woman) you don't know at all is always a big risk. You're better off only meeting men that are already known to somebody else you can trust to want you to be safe and not get used. I don't know enought to guess whether dating services have enough checks to insure you're safe and not being played. Men like this one could be many-time losers in the ways of love. Cursing him is good for you. But after that you need to make plans and guidelines for who you will let into your life and affections and who you won't.


I'm sorry for your suffering. AND BEWARE of a man who will sweet-talk, then disappear, then "change his mind" and want only you: You own hope will rise higher than your intelligence and caution and he'll use it to keep you on his long-line fish-hook in case he needs someone to take advantage of in the future.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Unfortunely, yes i meet him online. I have not met any man in person since about 5 years ago. I even thought about taking my ex back a few times because I am tired of being alone. not sure how to meet the right guy any more. need help

I'm sorry Tasha, I'm afraid I'm much better at what goes on in our hearts and minds and relationships than at how to meet the right people. I know that the last time I was looking, at 41 in 1984, I placed a Personals ad in the SanFranciscoBay Guardian, where only letters could be sent in response. I gave age, college degree, professions, and favorite interests and said "looking to settle down" and got 45 replies from one ad. Women wanted Serious, men wanted "friendship & adventure." Internet meetings move too fast, with the normal shyness and caution being left behind because all you see is nice words.


Shame is a category of inborn emotions that warns us against possible social damage, just as fear warns us against physical damage. But when you can't see and be seen, there's no shame--so actions can be SHAMELESS, meaning gay and risky, or excessively exciting or totally disregarding moral concerns and any caring for the other person.


Were you born in 1955? Your age could play a role in how best to meet men. The old ways were to go to gatherings where people engaged in one of your professional or leisure or entertainment or spiritual activities would gather. Today perhaps you'd go online to social network sites for people in your type of profession, or other significant interest. I actually met the woman who I would soon choose to marry at a privately organized but publically organized potluck for people in the "helping professions," meaning medicine, health, teaching and psychotherapy.


The other advice I can give without knowing more about you is MEET the person face2face in a public coffee-or-lunch place and ask him probing questions about his work, his living situation, his past relationships, his family ties, and his most precious beliefs, values and goals. You might be reluctant to question a new guy, because you're too busy feeling awkward about YOU being on the spot like in an audition to play the part of his one&only girlfriend and future wife to realize that YOU can turn the tables with such questions and get HIM to audition for the role YOU want from him. When you're asking questions like these, you'll reflect on what YOU value in your work, what you want in a living situation, what your most precious beliefs, values and goals are, and very important, what your attitude has been towards love relationships. I suggest you think about those questions and write your answers down, so you'll know when the guy says something that rubs you the wrong way. If the guy Dodges your questions and starts joking around like a boxer trying to keep on the move so you can't reach him where he is inside, then you know you're dealing with somebody with too much to hide: He's an adventurer with no place to really stand; so you don't need him.


(Of course he'll jab back to put you on the defensive instead of him. But don't fall for that--even if your self-confidence is so shaky after 5 years that you just want any chance at a relationship you can get. Just tell him to contact you when he's ready to get sincere about answering your questions--because you want a real man, not a playerman. Leave then and you won't get hurt by giving yourself too easily.)


On the other hand, if you don't want to answer some of those questions yourself, which he would have every right to ask, then you can explore what your experience has been in those areas of your life before you go in search of the right guy for you.


I may sound like I really know what I'm doing--and I might, if I were looking again as you are. But I'm not you, so don't compare yourself to me. Maybe you've never learned how to stand up to a man, and that's not simple when you haven't tried it.


Those are some ideas for tonight.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I was born 1975. And sometimes I feel its hard to date of even meet someone in person because I have. A 2 year old to look after most of the time. I am a single Mom. I think most men will not approach a single mom because they believe they are still with the father.
You'll have to be very clear about the presence or absense of the child's father. And you'll need to offer the man full stepfatherhood of the child IF there won't be a competing ex- in the picture. A child of that age should have little or no trouble adapting to a new father, esp if the man is really interested in him/her.
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