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Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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I have already asked This question but wanted to see a different

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I have already asked This question but wanted to see a different opinion from maybe another relationship expert. My bofriend of 3.5 years cheated on me and he continued to date the individual he cheated on me with. I tried to explain to him that I love him and forgive him and lets work thru this. He chose to continue their relationship. However during their relationship he used to send me small talk messages like I miss you...Thinking of You etc and he said he needed time to think about his life. I gave him the time and he texted that he didn't know what he had until he lost it and stuff. Then one day he asked me to talk and he asked for another chance. I asked him if he loved me and he said there is something there for wanting to give this another try. Well the reason he said he cheated on me was because of attention that I wasn't giving him. So we started all over again but it didn't seem right. I was expecting him to start messaging me and calling etc but that didnt happen. Finally i organized a date and met him up and he told me he loved me. I spent a day at this place and felt unwelcome. I asked him what was wrong and he said that now i am giving him too much attention and it feels fake because I didn't do that to him before and I might be wanting him back not because I love him but because I am afraid of being alone. I assured him that its not true .. He said it pushes him away. Throughout the second week he only texted here and there but never says I love you or anything ..not even I miss you nothing. I was advised by a counselor to just back of a little and I did. I didn't text him good morning and only responded to one of his texts and the conversation was quick and innocent. Then Today i havent said a word but so has he. I asked to talk to him last night and he said Yes but he never called. When I called he never picked up the phone. Just confused what is going on.. Am I chasing someone that has no interest in me. But then if he didn't have interest why would he split from the person he cheated on. I am beyond confused what is going on. I feel like he wants me to chase him but he cheated on me. I feel like he is trying to blame me to make himself feel less guilty. Is it time for me to quit... One part of me says yes just move on and the other says lets see what will happen but he isn't doing anything to gain my trust or show me that he misses me or loves me..

Your writing seems to answer your question: Listen to your intuition and feelings; they usually are correct. You ask, "Am I chasing someone that has no interest in me?" If you are asking that question the answer is probably "yes". You keep getting confused. This lack of clarity does not signal a fruitful, caring, trusting relationship. Why do you want to go back with someone who cheated on you? You ask if, "it is time for me to quit". Once again the answer probably is yes and it is time to move on. He equivocates and avoids commitment. It appears that he is leading you on. There are lots of fish in the sea and other good men out there who do not cheat, obfuscate or lie. You are worth better than what you have got right now.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

i understand that but i feel like i am throwing 3.5 years of my life away. He has been a good bf all this time and I still love him and I believe in second chances I just don't understand what would make a guy want a second chance but then say hey lets take it slow and throughout the separatation he kept saying I miss you...thinking of you etc...and now he doesn't say any of these things... When i asked him he said it sounds fake because I didn't used to do all of the things before..which is not true.. Yes we kinda drifted away but that was because he was getting used to the relationship and wasn't giving me any attention. I don't get what is holding him from saying I love you or miss you because I am looking for those words from him so that I know he still loves me. He said I love you and says that he loves me but that was the first day we met after breakup and thats he says i need to take it slow...i am just confused on what his thinking is ....some say its that he is afraid I will dump him and therefore he wants to give me some time to make up my mind and therefore he keeps his feelings to himself and other say move on he isn't into you..But if he wasn't into me why would he dump the other person to talk to there must be something...

Firstly, you are not throwing any of your life away. It is important to live in the present because that is where everything is happening and all things change. It is important to try and get the message or lesson from what reality is delivering to you ... from the way it is. Sometimes we do not like what we really know. You say, "there must be something", but maybe there is not or what is there you do not like. You can't read his mind and he is not being clear. What does that mean to you? Relationships do not have to be complicated and when they get that way it often is not a relationship that is healthy or where you can grow to be the authentic person that you are. Only you can assess the relationship and decide if he is worth it; that is to say your time and attention.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you for your help. It turned ou t that after I fogave him and he wanted me back and promised me that he wants to work on relationship etc. he was still cheating on me with the same person..... Thank You anyways

I wish you the best. Feel your feelings. Tell the truth and keep you agreements.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

thank you ..its just hard to accpet that an individual that i loved eas telling me that he loved me ..i am his soul mate etc and then me to find out that he cheated on me all along and all the tjibgs he said were just lies ..just blame myself for not being more i am just thinking ablut him all day evety day and the food times we had and stuff..i always see his face in my dreams and i just wonder if people like him know how much pain they cause and what they r doing to another humanfeeling ..wished i could erase his picture out of my mind..i asked him to sit down amd tell me why and he just ignores all my texts and calls but never replies to any of them..sometimes wonder if he is hurt for loosing me ...