Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship
This answer was rated:

Trying to keep her around. Whatever it takes.

I recently got into a...

I recently got into a bad spot with my SO, and we took 2 weeks to ourselves to try and figure it out. More or less, I hurt her emotionally because of some traumatic life experience I never dealt with (I became an angrier more anxious person and she felt it and eventually I yelled at her over some dumb stuff and thats when we took the time). I have dealt with, and am dealing with it, and am trying to keep her in my life (when I explained to her what had made me so angry, the suicide of a friend, she understood better). We have been together for 3 years, and both still love each other. We are talking and have gone out twice and she will be spending a weekend with me in Colorado in a couple weeks. She has said we aren't romantic right now, just friends figuring out where we stand, and time will tell. When we go out it feels exactly like it did before, just no kiss or hand holding etc. I s'pose I would like to know what I can do to help show her that we are still what we were. I know she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, since we essentially re-hash the same points. I want to move forward, but not to quickly. I just want to do everything right because I really do think we are great together. Thanks in advance

Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 6 minutes by:
5/9/2013
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified

Deardebra :

It sounds like she pushed back her feelings because she didn't understand what happened. Once you explained things

Deardebra :

that is when she realized how she felt, but you can not take back what happened

Customer:

That I know, and I still regret it. Immediately after i yelled at her I saw the look on her face and felt broken inside. That is not who I am or how I normally act

Customer:

She still says she can't really put into words her feelings, or where we are. That is why she doesn't want to talk about it, until she figures it all out. I just don't know how to behave until then

Deardebra :

She needs time to think about what has happened but in her own way, you can say your sorry and try to make her understand but she needs time to sort things out in her own mind.

Customer:

That I understand. We are spending time together though, going out to dinner and things. They feel like dates, but there is that awkward moment where we would normally hold hands or kiss where we know each person is thinking it but doesn't. I just don't know what is a reasonable amount of time to wait to bring it up. We have a military ball we will be at in 2.5 weeks (super fancy romantic weekend). I don't know whether it's better to have the experience be who I am and talk about it at the end of june when I see her again (I have some duty until then) or to bring it up that weekend. We will still talk in between and all.

Deardebra :

This is your time to get the connection back on the romantic weekend.

Deardebra :

I want you to try to hold her hand and I do not want you to bring up the past no more that is over and you both need to move on and start again together.

Customer:

So wait until that weekend to take that step? I will be seeing her before then. Just use these times to have nice conversations etc, but wait to step back towards romanticism for that weekend?

Deardebra :

I would keep trying o get her to open up, it is going to take her time to let her guard down and let you back in.

Deardebra :

But what you want to do is let her see the real you, the one she fell in love with. I would like to explain something too you.

Deardebra :

What happens when you love someone and you see another side of them, it sets you back.

Deardebra :

You can not help but wonder why the person you loved yelled and hurt your feelings and she is worried that it will happen again, so she is being cautious.

Deardebra :

She doesn't want for that to happen again, even though you said it won't she does not know that.

Deardebra :

She still has her guard up. But

Deardebra :

as she sees that this is not going to happen again, she will begin to drop her guard.

Deardebra :

Also it became a fear that you were so upset that she might have lost you so she never wants to upset you again.

Customer:

Yeah I can see both of those

Customer:

She said something along the lines of if this ever happened again I think I would lose you all together

Deardebra :

So she is worried

Customer:

I just worry, that with the military move coming it will add a lot of stress. Either become a difficult long distance thing, or she's have to move to be with me.

Customer:

So I feel kind of rushed in a process in which time is a key ingredient.

Deardebra :

I undersand, but you an not put time on a relationship. Falling in love does not have a time on it, I feel that when two people love each other they go through great lengths to be with one another.

Customer:

I will do whatever it takes, I know that. Alright well thank you very much. Anything else?

Deardebra :

This is going to work out for you, it is just going to take time. I just want you to do one thing and that is just focus on loving her and things will fall into place.

Customer:

That I can do pretty easily. Thank you very much!

Customer:

Did you get the rating?

Deardebra :

No I didn't

Deardebra :

I'm going to switch to Q& A so you can hit accept the chat is frozen.

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified
Dear Debra and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago

Just one last question. How often should I try and talk to her besides hanging out. I have been writing her letter, she loves getting mail. I mean with other forms, such as text or phone conversations. Again with the not wanting to smother her, but trying to giver her the space and time she needs.

Also it shows the rating went through on my end let me know.

The rating did go through and thank you. Now to answer your question. She loves getting mail and you do write letters that is very romantic. If she likes your letters then I would text her some thing you would write in a letter that would be a nice gesture. You want to tell her how you feel. When someone can read something over and over again it is exciting. A letter is something that she can keep reading and going back to just like a text. Do not feel in anyway that you are going to smother her you want her to know you are there for her. You want her to know you care about her. When every you feel like you want to tell her something text her. You want to follow your feelings and your heart and do what comes natural.
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified
Dear Debra and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
So I have taken your advice so far, and sent her a couple letters which she says she loves. We also went out for dinner and a movie yesterday. It was perfect, just like old times. I put out my hand when it started and she took it, and the whole movie we held hands or I had my arm around her (sounds like middle-school I know). Everything was amazing. On the drive back to her place I vaguely brought up some plans for the summer (something we have always meant to do) and she sort of brushed it off with a ya maybe. I was fine with that since I know she is being careful.
The kicker though was when I walked her to her door. I walked up there with her, she said she had a great time I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then I looked her in the eyes and said I love you, and all she said back was I know. It hurt. I just am not sure how to respond. She told me before she still loves me, it just doesn't feel right saying it all the time when she is mad at me or trying to figure it out. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't want to rock the boat to much since she will fly out to colorado in a week. I guess I am just asking if this is normal. Is she simply holding this back while she works on forgiving me, or is it a sign of a decision already made that she just hasn't been able to tell me yet? Or am I missing whats going on completely. (I answered here since I got the e-mail asking me if I had a follow-up and this way you can refresh yourself of the background. If it's no common courtesy to do so, just let me know.)
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
On a side note, she is out on some kind of group date tonight with her friends. Her friend got set up through some online thing and had to bring 2 friends with her and the guy is bringing two friends. I find it strange that she told me about it at all, and honestly I don't know if she wanted to or really just jumped in because her friend asked. Either way it kind of sucks and I am not sure if I should address it. I sort of took it in stride when she mentioned it. After initially bringing it up she didn't mention it again, when she was talking about her plans for tonight she said something along the line of happy hour with the girls, and I was mentioned that I remembered her date was tonight and she glossed over it with an "oh yeah that too" which was a turn around from bringing it up.
In this case my question would be do I just ignore it and keep doing what I am doing with trying to win her back, or is it worth addressing?
Her going on a group date she was honest about what she was doing because she didn't want you to think anything of it. She wanted to see if you were ok with it and I feel if you said your were not she would have not gone. She doesn't want to lose you either. Going to the movies and dinner was a nice date. It sounds like it went very well. She did not say she loves you back and I know that hurt, but she is just not ready to say that yet, even if she feels it. She feels if she says it, then all her emotions are open. She is still trying to protect herself from hurt. You just need to take your time. I feel she is opening up little by little. Holding hands was a huge step that was her letting her guard down. You are getting through too her, but she is still going to need more time to trust you to open up her heart. What I want you to do is text her and ask her how her night was, you want to share in her life. You want her to always be thinking of you.
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Verified
Dear Debra and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
I sent her a few texts over the few weeks, none of which she has answered (with the exception of when she started a conversation about meeting for dinner). I don't know if this is her ignoring them or honestly forgetting since she often doesn't carry or hear her phone. The only times we have talked have been on the phone, in person, or over Gchat. Would it be better to just wait until I call her this weekend, or see her on GChat? Thanks again for your advice, I know it sounds childish but I just really don't want to screw up, and I feel like I am walking the fine line between pushing to hard and stepping to far away. Also I know she is in bed already. She always goes to bed by 10 when she has work.
You want to text again and say I wasn't sure if you got my last text. I wanted to see if you wanted to do something together maybe go out to dinner or you know what we can do anything you would like to do. I am open for suggestions.
I feel you are doing very well but this relationship it's not that you are walking a fine line. It is just a matter of time and effort to get her to see that you are hear for her.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 4 years ago
Sorry to keep this thread around so long, I thought it best so that the backstory was still present for you to see. She will be coming out to Colorado on Thursday. I am still not sure where exactly we stand. This brings up the issue of us sharing a bed as we will for four nights. I know this seems shallow, but I honestly don't care about the sex, I just want to handle this all right. We used to have a very healthy sex life, but since the middle of April I haven't kissed her. Now we will be sharing a bed again. Should I discuss ground rules with her before she comes, or just sort of let the moment develop?
Also i have recieved conflicting advice from a few other friends about how to proceed. With the distance making things even more difficult now, one friend said I should lay it all out, and pour out my heart to her. The other said that I should avoid talking about the relationship altogether and just keep winning her over. What would you suggest?
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,852
1,852 Satisfied Customers
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.

Dear Debra is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,706 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

426 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
My husband, who has been semi-retired for 1 year, has again
my husband, who has been semi-retired for 1 year, has again become obsessed with tracking down a former fiancee who ended the relationship in 1967. He had a previous 'episode' 16 years ago, a a time o… read more
Angela
Angela
Counselor
490 satisfied customers
My ex and I of 2 years broke up on Sept 6th if this year. A
my ex and I of 2 years broke up on Sept 6th if this year. A week later she was dating someone new. Her and I were still having sex until the end of Oct. So she was cheating on him weekly with me. Now … read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has been a compulsive liar almost the entire
My boyfriend has been a compulsive liar almost the entire relationship. Me finding texts to other women, catching him in ringing women, you name it. We now have a child together. My sexual urges are c… read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Can I email my fiancee's boss to stop giving my fiancée
Can I email my fiancee's boss to stop giving my fiancée personal advice about our relationship if it's hurting our relationship?… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,706 satisfied customers
I was wondering after I gave advice and my attitude, heart
I was wondering after I gave advice and my attitude, heart and soul, poured into this how do I go about getting another present that as good as you… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
My question is about drinking. When my fiancé and I met I
Hi. My question is about drinking. When my fiancé and I met I enjoyed a drink at the end of the day to relax. That hasn't changed as I still enjoy a drink after work. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
The man I a dating says he wants to take a time out. He does
The man I a dating says he wants to take a time out. He does feel an emotional bond He says he does not know if is me or he might have Asperger S. He has After 6 months he has never sais he likes me N… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
Thank you for your response about my relationship. I do
Thank you John for your response about my relationship. I do understand what you are saying and I have decided to give him space. He told me yesterday that he thinks he needs some space because he isn… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
My boyfriend kicked me out of the apartment because he found
Hi, my boyfriend kicked me out of the apartment because he found out that I was meeting with a guy friend of mine to talk. I didn't tell him I was meeting up with him and he found out because he track… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
Was speaking to this guy on Facebook and Snapchat and I
Hey I was speaking to this guy on Facebook and Snapchat and I stupidly deleted him because I was going through a lot and took it out on him but I added him back and he hasn't deleted me again I have s… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
Ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care
Hello, ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care about me, even though he thinks he does!! … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I'm having a real issue. I just ended my engagement at the
I just ended my engagement at the end of July and moved away. When I ended the engagement I was on anti-depressants. We remained friends and then one day he said he didn't want to talk anymore and didn't want to text and didn't want to see each other anymore. It threw me for a loop but I was okay with it. I am coming off of Paxil and starting something new. And now it feels as if I'm having feelings I didn't know I had. I wonder if I made the wrong decision. And now he won't answer my calls my texts nothing. I've known him since 7th grad and we got engaged at 35 to each other. Our relationship was very passionate. The highs were so high and the lows so low. I miss him. It's my birthday today and the first one I have spent without him and he won't answer my calls or emails. I know this sounds like a stalker but we were engaged for god's sake. I'm not just some one night stand. And now I'm thinking because I was on an antidepressant I made the worst decision of my life. I am highly emotional right now and so very depressed … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
You helped me before and I would like your advice again. I
This is for Therapist Mary Ann Hi Mary Ann, You helped me before and I would like your advice again. I will give you a lot of history in a nut shell for you to understand.Me: raised by my mother she h… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,706 satisfied customers
I went on a date with this really great guy. We really hit
I went on a date with this really great guy. We really hit it off so well that I made the mistake of sleeping with him. Afterwards, he still seemed very interested from calling, texting, and wanting t… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she broke up with me because she said I wasn't who I used to be ans i created doubt in her mind about us). A week after we broke up she started … read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my soulmate. It's been the most painful breakup I've ever experienced. Even though we were only together a little over a year, we had a very deep con… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
I have a question about something that keeps coming up, and
I have a question about something that keeps coming up, and perhaps I need a males perspective… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
I dreamed last nignt in black an, that the man that i
hello i dreamed last nignt in black an white , that the man that i secretly love was combing my hair. i was sitting on the floor my head on his lap , he had a black com and he was so gentle combing an… read more
DreamsBySue
DreamsBySue
Social Worker
Masters Degree (MSW)
68 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x