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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have been dating a woman for a little over a year now. We

Customer Question

I have been dating a woman for a little over a year now. We started talking to each other in the beginning of 2011 off and on and became intimate a couple months before 2012. And since then we have seen a lot of each other but we were still kind of off and on most of 2012. She is married and I am married. We actually have a similar situation both of our spouses were illegal and needed a green. My wife received her green card last year and her husband needs to be interviewed. She has been separated for 6 years from him. I have been separated 3 years from my wife. So I thought we understood each other. LIke I said we have been together for a little over a year and I didn't think we had any major problems or issues. Except for barely seeing each other. SHe lives in LA and I live in San Diego. Not close but close enough. I have been wanting to spend time with her but a lot times she not have time. I cant go to her house because of her Ex and her 2 kids. Ok that's fine I understand. But Ive felt that she doesn't make a lot time for me and her. If I see her its for a few hours or overnight and that's it. In the past its been more consistent. Now its not as consistent because her Ex found out she was dating or seeing me. So he stopped picking up the kids, and everything. So time together is much more limited from before. She has said before this is why I don't have a BF because its always been this way. And I tell her I understand. I just want to see when you have time, let me know. But out of the blue she just comes up with this BS like we argue and we all talkin about the same issues and im thinking WHAT ISSUES?? She literally gets upset with me because I say, what are you doing? or if she happened to go somewhere and she calls from whiles she in the car and says shes going home, I will ask where did you go? SHE WILL GET UPSET!! And she thinks that is an argument. I will say so.... I cant ask where you went, really???? I don't know what to do.... Recently as in last week Tuesday, I took the day off from work and went to see her, she said she couldn't cuz she didn't have gas and had her kids. SHe couldn't take them to school, so I politely said, I will give you gas money so you can take them so I can see you for a lil bit, and once again she had things to do. Ok fine, I just want to see my baby. So we saw each other we were talking for about an hour and half and she had to go. Her birthday was the next day, so before she left we discussed seeing each other in the morning to eat before she went to visit her mom and her friend. No time was discussed, she said we could meet after she drops off her girls. Ok that's cool. Well we didn't talk to each other that Tuesday night. Wednesday morning comes and I wake up early, I sent her a birthday e-card and was waiting for her to msg if she was on her way to the restaurant. SHe never said she was on her way or said she was waiting there already, she text me and I said what time u want to meet, she said now, so I said I will be there in 15 min, and she got upset cuz I wasn't there. She went on to say this always happens, AND THIS NEVER HAPPENS!! we usually have time or we are both communicating but she says its only because she makes it happen!! I just cant believe some of the things she's been saying. Now she doesn't want to be together because she feels fed up, like its always the same issue and that she thinks we are not going anywhere, as if she has been making SO MUCH EFFORT AND SHE HASNT. Right now, shes not changing her mind no matter what I say to her. SHe says we are done. BUt I really do want to be with her. WHat should I do.

Here is the letter I wrote to her.


Just think about this please, I met you at dentex sometime in late 2009 as a patient.  In 2010 I didn’t talk to you, we didn’t talk to each other, basically scheduling appointments and me paying my bill. It wasn’t until  early 2011 when we started emailing each other February or March. From there getting to know each other off and on we talk for a month or 2 and then we stop talking. We didn’t go out until late 2011 November  December  and that was when we first became intimate with each other. So basically from all of 2012 is when we started seeing each a lot more. But in between that time in 2012 we were off and on. Like we would talk and see each other, but then u would be busy or have a lot things on your mind and we wouldn’t talk for a month or 2 months sometimes. I have all our emails and text msgs on my computer. But I have always wanted to be with you, always wanted more time with you.  

You have expressed before that you weren’t ready for a relationship because of your situation. And I have always said, whenever you are ready let me know. I wasnt tryin to pressure you. I understood. Yes u would think somewhere close to now, we would love each other and be really good. But think about some of these things that has happened also. You didnt invite me to your house (which I do understand your reasons why), I have asked you to come to where my mom lives, at least  you would also know where I live, but u didn’t want to. My bro wants to meet you, my homeboy wants to meet, he wanted me and you to come up to texas this month or next month to see the house he bought and you to me him, I wanted to go to vegas like I was telling you, but its cool I know just went there. So I thought we would visit him in there.  Baby everything cant just be placed upon me, like I didn’t do this alone so this is why things are the way they are. Like you said, we are both adults and we both play apart in making things the way we want them. Not just one person.  I want you as my girl, you do make happy, I love everything about you.

 Baby sometimes I don’t know how you feel about me, I cant read your mind and I know you cant read my mind. I know that you miss me a lot and really care about me, but it would be nice to know a little bit more than that. That’s why I have asked you before how do you feel about me. And what do you want. I just want us to be on the same page. I love talking to you. I LOVE IT !!! I can talk to you for hours!!! But in order for relationships to grow we have to see each other more baby, intimately I feel there is so much love between me and you, talking to you I feel like there is love between us, but not seeing each other often just makes things alittle harder,  I don’t care when I see you or how long I see you, but I want to SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU!!! More than an hour or 2 hours, I WANT A DAY or 2 DAYS consistently to build that relationship, baby last Tuesday was the first time i saw you in 2 months!! 2 months!!!  I really really miss you, I want to be your everything and I want you  to be my everything,  It hurts me when I don’t see you often, sometimes it feels like u don’t wanna see me, that’s why I say I wish sometimes you would put a little more effort into us being together.  You mean so much to me, I would do anything for you, I wouldn’t do that shit for someone is just my friend. You said you have to pay those tickets before they double and that you wanted to get any job you can right now, so you can pay them, I was going tell you that if you didn’t get a job I would let you put those 2 traffic tickets on my credit card and just pay me when you can, cuz I don’t want you to be without a driver’s license. 

Trust me I really am with you 100%, I want time with you.  Ive said I wanted to be closer to you, thinking more and more about being in LA. I had a fight with my boss a week and half ago, and I cussed her out because she said something to me, and I thought she was literally going to fire me.  Is our relationship perfect, no. I love our relationship with exception of a couple things, can it be better definitely, I think we could see and spend more time together which would clear up some issues.  I believe there is love between us, sometimes i feel like we are afraid to tell each other how we really feel because of our marriages. Which sucks. And I don’t even like using excuses. I hope you think about things that I have said. You are my baby. Miss mucho!!!!  I had no idea you couldnt sleep,  sometimes it feels  like u dont care, i havent gotten any sleep since last week, cuz im thinking about you and us and everything you have said to me. I cant think straight or work, im not really happy right now, cuz i dont wanna lose my baby.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend.

I believe that I can help.

This woman is obviously very attractive and charming to you in a basic way, and you see all of her positives in a large and strong way.

She seems to have a much larger downside. She is volatile, unreliable, she over-reacts, she has a distored view of reality, she does not appreciate your efforts, and does not put sufficient energy into making this relationship work.

You are not central to her life, and instead of making the effort, she has now dropped out.

It is quite possible that she will be geting back with her husband now, who seems to have a strong influence on her life.

In any event, she is not showing any interest in having a relationship with her.

There is no sense in beating a dead horse.

If she wants to get back with you then she will. If not, then let her go.

You really don't have any options, as she does not ever seem to respond very positively to your kindness, patience and positive gestures. Rather, she seems to treat you with some contempt. You could surely be happy if she did not return to your life.

She may return for a little while, if you continue to pursue her, but she doesn't seem to have any staying power and will just use you when she needs to, or so it appears.

I wish you courage strength, and good fortune and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,