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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My divorce was just finalized 2 days ago. My fiance (and soon

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My divorce was just finalized 2 days ago. My fiance (and soon to be wife) has been very patient, waiting for a year since we started living together for the divorce to be final. My ex-wife got 99% of my net worth, plus $8000 per month for the next 9 years. I agreed to such a lopsided settlement because of guilt. In addition, my ex-wife asks me to update her website every month and I have been, until now, not wanting to rock the boat to make sure the divorce is final and I have been doing it. Also, quite honestly, out of guilt. Today my fiance noticed me answering an email question from my ex and said, "so, I guess you are helping 2 women with their businesses." And she said, "how would you like it if I said I was going to help my old boyfriend sell his car this weekend?" And she said that if I keep helping my ex, she doesn't want to marry me. She wants me all to herself and sees no reason for me to help my ex. Especially since I am paying her so much money, money that would make our lives a little easier. My only reason for helping my ex I feel is guilt, and yet it is hard for me to tell my ex I won't be helping her anymore.

Looking for a good way to stop. Should I tell me ex my fiance forbids contact? Should I just say I don't want to anymore?

jenhelant :

HI, I understand what you are going through. I do not think you should put the blame on your new financee because that will only create resentment. I would stop if you want to. From the sounds of it you want to, but feel guilty. There should be no reason of guilt. It sounds as if you done everything you should have. Your fiancee has the right to feel as she does. At this point your ex is your ex now it is best to focus on your current relationship because then you may feel guilt for that and your actions will be counterproductive. I would tell your ex that you are in a new relationship and out of respect you need to stop helping her. If you choose to remain friends that is up to you, but should not be out of guilt and should be respectful to your new relationship without crossing any lines. A little help if you want is one thing, but too much may be crossing the line. I would look within and be true to yourself and your ex. Blaming your fiancee will only make things worse. Do what you feel is right and try to imagine how you would feel if your current fiancee was in your shoes.

jenhelant :

I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.

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