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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Overthinker deeply in love

Customer Question

I am deeply in love with my ex... we've been together on and off for about 7 years now... I know that I love him, but recently he asked for my hand in marriage... I freaked out and said no.... weeks later I wanted to say yes but my friends advised not to... Now that I recently started feeling completely overwhelmed with love and loving him... he has entered a relationship with someone else... I've been seeing him and being romantically intimate with him.. I feared getting back with him because of my prior sexual behavior where I would randomly cheat on him... sometimes revenge for him not being a real man... others out of boredom or just for attention... today after five days of him being in his relationship he is going to tell her everything... but I feel overwhelmed and panicked that even after he does this he will still stay with her.. I can't be away from him... I've seen him almost everyday i've been with him.. he is my best friend and maybe what i'd consider my first love.. I feel angry and hurt... I honestly thought that after everything and with him feeling as though I am the one for him and saying so that he would leave her and just explain that he rushed into things with her too quickly... he says after he goes to speak with her later he's going to leave it up to her... if she wants to stay with him and work it out that he will and if she says its up to him, that he might stay with her or come back.. he says he wants to be here with me and to grow and build... but I'm confused.. I feel like my heart is breaking and about to explode out my chest for him... and I can't even handle the thought of him leaving... i've been crying this whole week just fighting him on the idea to stay. I am extremely angry at myself and him.. I know this girl from high school and I honestly feel as though she's going to want to say to him to stay... I'm angry... I keep checking all their social networking sites... they've been talking for about 2 weeks and she's already saying I love you and that shes in love.... supposedly he doesn't feel that way with her but he knows he feels strongly and has love for her as an individual... I feel as though he is putting her feelings ahead of mine and his because she has lupus and was recently involved in terrible car accident that left her with a limp. Today will be the first time they have ever seen one another since high school as they have only been talking over a social networking site and using webcam... I know that she is emotionally unstable and I remember her to be a fighter since high school.. I feel very depressed and confused and I don't know what to do with all my emotions.. I keep trying to say to myself that this might be a good thing because he'll see how much he loves me and come back... I think that his feelings for me are too high for him to be in a new relationship. I just want there to be an us, and my mind keeps spiraling into all these what ifs and all the possible outcomes... just recently as they established their relationship, the turtle that he and I got together died... I freaked out into a hysterical cry unsure if that was a sign it was over or that he shouldn't have left... I know in my past years and I guess you can say recently that I still have those random sexual encounters with people that I just want attention or time from. I want to stop, I want to know the root of this problem and fix it. My friends haven't been supportive to the idea or me and him together while his friends support his every move. I hate that my friends only point out the bad and make me seem crazy. But doesn't love make you crazy? They think I need a psychiatrist being that i'm so head over heels unfocused and staying in what they find to be an unhealthy relationship.. I am what you would say the male or the breadwinner... I buy and pay for everything and this has cause several fights and problems within our relationship. My friends keep telling me that I do not have proper dating skills and that everything with me is sex, and that everything is always about me... I just often feel like I'm going through something that I know any other person can make sense out of and do something productive and work through it... while I'm more of a depressed pessimist that wallows in my lows... I know I have a lot of work to do on myself... I'm overweight, I think I'm ugly, I constantly change how I look to fix things about me temporarily.... A friend also said that I may have separation anxiety and that I never leave... most of the people I've had a sexual relationship, which is about 60 people in my lifetime..., I still keep in contact with for the most part... I was 13 when I first started having sex, and it was with an older guy... consensual,... my parents came home one day early and caught him in the house and beat him badly while i ran into the streets half dressed, the courts placed a restraining order and I had a social worker in high school to help. The guy i love is 24..i'm young, but i know what i want,i have extreme highs and lows... I can laugh and be happy one second and the next think about everything and have some dark thoughts. i just want to be happy and i honestly feel that he's the only person who listens and can handle my thoughts... I know that I wouldn't harm myself or anyone cause that's scary but the thought comes to me every now and then and he helps dismiss it. in my younger years as a child and teen I held more suicidal thoughts but still never did anything. i feel myself spiraling out of control with all these outcomes. Please help..

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You have very well described your situation, your feelings, and our own history and emotional reactions to events.

From your description I would venture to say that you may have Bipolar Disorder, which is a mood disorder that includes depression, some of the time, which you aptly described as "a depressed pessimist that wallows in my lows" and also suffers from low self esteem.

The other pole of bipolar disorder is called mania and is in part characterized by reckless behavior, which can include sexual behavior, which is something that has been part of your life for a long time.

You said that you don't know what to do with all of your emotions. You are most likely in need of treatment for Bipolar Disorder, which would include some talk therapy and some medication.

This disorder can be controlled and your life could become more on track and not so unsettled and unsteady if you had the proper medication.

The best therapist would be a psychiatrist who would give you something to stabilize your moods.

You said something about "my heart is breaking and about to explode out my chest for him... and I can't even handle the thought of him leaving". This sounds as if you are also having anxiety or panic attacks, which the psychiatrist can also address.

Do not let a medical doctor give you antidepression medication only, as this could make your mania worse and could even make you suicidal.

When your heart beats like this, take deep breaths and tell yourself that this feeling will pass.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment for help as soon as possible.

Once you are stabilized you will be able to deal with your boyfriend in a more rational manner, with a stronger sense of confidence and maturity. With some therapy you can become a stronger person, more self-confident, and more able to influence your boyfriend in a positive way.

I wish you great success and towards that end shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ELLIOTT, I've taken a few courses to get a degree to know that anyone can fit any disorder... Of course when I given keywords of ups and downs, that it would trigger an automatic response of bipolar disorder... and everyone has some sort of anxiety, panic, or fear... there is a fear and a phobia for everything... Being 24, and trying to figure out all aspects of life and trying to make the correct choices to live a life with few regrets I think would be everyone's goal. I do not know many people that make the same choices to learn the same lesson. I also stated that he is my ex boyfriend, and my best friend...somehow you've missed the part where I said that he has entered a new relationship with another female... through out my relationship with him... I feel as though I would often fall in and out of love with him.... the last few months of our relationship I was perfectly normal, not cheating and in tune with him, except my emotions of being in love were gone, and I only loved the person that he is.... as time went on, with continuously seeing each other as we also do, my heart grew for him and my love for him evolved.... My quote to feeling as though my heart is going to explode and my heart is breaking.... wouldn't most people feel this way when the person they spent so much time with has entered another relationship after seeing the uncertainty of accepting a wedding proposal? I feel as though my love for him is just building to an unexplainable point that now I am matched at the level he once said he was, but the fact that I can not have the relationship because of this new female with challenges, would be enough to make anyone cry and feel this way.... I feel like the thing I loved the most, grew to love, and honestly do love... just walked out on me only cause the emotions of a third party entered and it wouldn't be fair to her. Honestly, everything within me craves and favors his embrace.... all it takes is a hug and I'm quivering and out of breath from how emotionally overwhelming the situation is. I feel like your response was too general and genuine for how I feel... Several individuals nowadays have several sexual partners and encounters.... everyone's situation is different.. Numbers could've been piled high do to behaviors of that of college students or high school students or just that I might have entered several relationships over the past 10 years of being sexually awakened... I know for a fact that within my neighborhood or circle of friends that my numbers compared to others match or may be slightly higher by approximately 10 -15 people, but everyone has their own preference, lifestyle, and lives.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX did not help in any way shape or form....

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Charlene,

You are very much in denial about your own condition.

I can understand that you don't want to face up to the fact that you may have a mood disorder.

Your think that taking a few courses is the same thing as advanced study, internship, and years of experience, but to you just don't even want to consider the possibility that you may need professional help to change your life.

Why did you thank me for my effort and give me a negative as well instead of just not accepting it and asking for further help? This is clearly the act of someone who wants to blot out what you think may be the truth, and yes, this is denial. Your rating of my excellent service as bad will not win you much support in future. You should reconsider for your own safety and happiness. If you are so right then why are things not working for you?

I wish you great success in overcoming this hardship which dominates your life. If you wish further help, I am here to serve you when you are ready.

Warm regards,