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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My fiancee (dated four years, living together 2 1/2) misses

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My fiancee (dated four years, living together 2 1/2) misses her daughter who moved out a couple of years ago after high school graduation and is living with her dad in another state. She is going to visit (alone, I cannot go) and doesn't see much of an issue staying with them for a week. Believes I should just trust her and realize nothing could or would ever go wrong. Meanwhile, the thought of them hanging out, going out, having dinner as a "family" bugs the crap out of me...though my fiancee states that those things won't happen and she gets very angry because she thinks I am keeping her from her daughter. He works, MAYBE has a girlfriend, they are friends but were terrible together married, etc. are the excuses (along with expense of getting a hotel). She is leaving in a couple of days and has not even reserved a hotel (wants to see "what they are like" and how far away a hotel is when she gets there).

To be fair, a couple of days ago, I told her to do what she would normally do if I weren't in the picture. I thought this was being unconditionally loving. She said she wouldn't even think of it because she has realized my feelings come first. Yesterday, when I questioned her...she changed her tune. I also DID tell her that sorry, no, I am NOT cool with it for SO many reasons and asked her how she would feel if the table was turned. He has shown himself to still be somewhat possessive of her (have not been married for14 years). Once told me to take good care of his "wife", he let her use his car while he was in Iraq, she handled some paperwork for him when he was trying to buy a house, he has a rather negative impression of the female race sometimes....I could go on and on. I DON"T actually think he is a bad person or would do anything......but the situations STILL seems inappropriate to me. He is the EX. I am the current. Thoughts or ways to handle this? Thanks.

I agree with you on everything you said. It is not really about trust or what obstacle would prevent something from happening. It is simply about respect. Some relationships are more conservative than others. For example there are some people that would have no problem with this situation then there are others that would, such as myself (and I am a woman by the way). I believe what it comes down to is the individual relationship. Some couples do not see it as a problem of having friends as the opposite sex and some do. For some issues there is no right and wrong, but just preference whereas other cases it is based on purely respect. I don't believe it is right for her to sleep there and she should get a hotel to see her daughter. If there is absolutely no way to afford a hotel and it is between her seeing her daughter or not then that does make things a lot more difficult and something would need to be worked out. However, what I am gathering from what you wrote is the hotel issues was just thrown in there as an excuse and not cause it can not be budgeted in. If that is true then there is no reason for her to be staying with her ex. We are all human and everyone makes mistakes, but we need to prevent certain things from happening as well as prevent putting ourselves in situations that may make us uncomfortable. This is why it is better to avoid rather than need to deal with the consequences later. Your fiancee sounds liberal and she may have good intentions. However, she should respect your feelings in this matter since you both will be married soon. I think the best way to handle this is to discuss with her why you feel this is inappropriate as you have already. You already told her all the right things and it is good that she is considering your feelings by when she said if she were single it would be different. However, even if she was single I still don't think it would be the best situation for her. It would be best to try to get her to stop and think why this is wrong for her own values rather than doing it for you because this is when true enlightenment and change can occur. If she still does not come around then a compromise that works for both of you would be needed to be sought out, which in my opinion would be the hotel. Since she still sees her daughter and respects you at the same time. There is no need for her to be close to her ex since she is going to visit her daughter. If she is against that then that would tell me she is actually wanting to stay there with her ex and it may not just be that she thinks it is fine, but rather want to stay there. That would be more concerning.

I wish you well and hope it all works out. Please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you, Jen. I think my fiancee feels (due to a past relationship issue), that she will always be stressed about seeing her daughter because of my feeling and my jealousy toward her ex (which is rather light---but he doesn't ever help it out). I feel it is just inappropriate for her to stay there...NOT because of seeing her daughter. She should. My most overwhelming problem now may be deciding what to do/how to feel if she doesn't mention it again and/or just decides to stay with them...any advice there?

Yes, I do understand you have no problem with her seeing her daughter. I felt that in your words and do not think she should even suggest that could be why. If she doesn't mention it again you have to make the decision whether to bring it up yourself before she leaves to make your feelings clear for the last time or just let it go and see what she does.
If ultimately she does stay with her ex you need to decide within yourself how serious you are and how far you are willing to go. Would you want to break up due to this or would you still stay? If you were to leave then I would warn her of this. However, if you would stay with her and she ends up going anyway then it may be one of those things you both agree to not agree on. If she is not respecting your feelings then I would consider if this behavior is spilling out into other areas of the relationship as well. If it is then that would be something to think about. However, if it is not then you may just want to move on with your life together, but if her staying with her ex becomes a regular thing that would be a whole different story. Other factors to consider as to how to handle it would be how things actually went while she was there and her responses to that. Such as did they spend a lot of time together, where she slept and etc. This all plays a role in how to proceed if she did end up staying. Overall, when she does come back if you are willing to stay I would express how unhappy that made you and try to get her to see it from your view. It is possible things that her staying there may not be as she thought and she could come back thinking differently about the situation and actually agreeing with you for the next time. Sometimes being in the situation can make one feel like "hey wait a second this doesn't feel right". This in itself can help her to change her mind moving forward since some woman may take these things lightly and think their partners are just being jealous when in actuality they end up agreeing after the experience.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

NOW there is one additional thing....and I think it is breaking us up. My fiancee has now called me and told me her other daughter has come. It is a long story, but they are in the military and are very soon moving overseas and cannot stay off base for more than 7 days. Anyway, she called to tell me this. I DID tell her that is good for her (she she won't see much of her daughter and toddler granddaughter for 3 years now). But, damn. It is hard now thinking of the whole "old family" together. Her ex told her he would spend the nights at his girlfriends house....and I begrudgingly agreed to that. Well, the way my fiancee is talking...that is probably not going to happen now. She is insanely mad that I am trying to ruin her time, keep her from her daughter who she has precious little time left with, cannot understand my unreasonable feelings, asked me "even if I got a hotel, I wouldn't be hanging with them there. Where do you think I would BE during the day?", wished I would have just kept it to myself to not ruin her goes on and on. She even told me she will never forget/forgive this. I want to this to work out in the end...but I don't think it can. Any suggestions at all? Thanks.


I apologize for the late reply. I am sorry what is happening. You did your part in regards to this and you are not trying to ruin their time together. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. She is saying she will never forgive you, but it is good for you to try and get her to realize that you even agreed to her staying there if he is away. Also, you expressed your true feelings, which is important. She should be able to appreciate that since some men may not say anything and hold it in. This is worse because it leads to resentment, which can ruin the relationship without either knowing why. You even went as far as making a compromise. I think you have done all the right things. Unfortuantely she is just seeing it from her view, which is unfair.