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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband after 28 yrs marriage has told me he doesnt love

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My husband after 28 yrs marriage has told me he doesn't love me any more, we have been living abroad for the last year, he has sent me home to sort out our property in Britain and to get it sold. He is cold towards me and won't even try to make our marriage work, he will not take any interest in the house or anything to do with me or our grown up kids, he won't listen to reason or won't discuss our feelings, I have even flown back to see him to sort things out and to try but he put me on a plane again and sent me back!, he thought his new job would give us a better life but all it has done is broke up a family who were very happy. My husband strives at everything he does to do the best he can which we all have appreciated, we both have worked together in the home and any problems we've had but what I can't understand is he won't work at this.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I can imagine how devastating this can be after so many years of marriage. It seems like he has turned this way due to all the stress he is going through. He feels he always needs to achieve and he is unable to overcome these issues financially, so this is having a real toll on him. He may feel he has failed the family and is embarrassed. This may be why he does not want to talk because he can not. He feels ashamed to and is upset with himself for this, so he closes up and becomes cold since this is the easiest way for him to deal with it.

This move could have also changed him as well as his new job. Without knowing him it is difficult to say exactly why he has changed, but it can be these I have mentioned alone with many other issues such as depression, mid life crisis, and etc.

Since these changes are all recent I would give it some time. He may just need some time to put everything in order or understand what is happening to him.

If you are willing I would take this time to do what you need to do with the homes and etc while giving him the space he needs. Allow some time for stresses to relieve themselves and see if there is any change.

From there if there still is no change I would try talking to him again letting him know how much you care and love him as well as how he has changed. He may not realize how drastic this change has been and may need an eye opener. Point out how he was before and how he is now. Express your concern since you both have always worked together as a team.

I would also suggest counseling in the future as an option if he is willing of course.

The best thing you can do is also stay positive and try not to let this depress you since this will only make matters worse for you and the family. You both have been together a long time and sometimes issues within a long term marriage as such also need proper healing time. Take it step by step and try to do what I mentioned above then from there you can take stops and analyze if there is any change and go about the next step. In a few months you will need to reevaluate your situation to see which way to go if things have not changed. On the other hand he may make changes and things could go back to normal, so this is why I would not worry about the future since it can take many different turns. Try and do your part and take it day by day.

As time goes on then you may need to give him an ultimatum in order to at least communicate with you, but as for now I would start with the beginning steps and not take any drastic measures.

I wish you well and If I can be of further help then please do not hesitate to reply whether it be a another question or if you need clarification.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have told him he is stressing out over his job and finances but he will not listen to me,I've even thought about midlife crisis, it's his mood swings I'm finding difficult to deal with,he was a caring loving man always doing everything for the good of our family, he is coming home soon to give me an answer one way or the other, I don't feel he's in the right mind set to do this. How do I deal with it when he arrives

I agree with you. I don't think anyone should make serious life decisions when feeling as such or under any type of stress. When he comes I would express your concerns about his changes and why you are worried about him as well as all the good he has done. Express how you feel that making a hasty decision may not be the best route to take. Ask him to consider giving it some time before making any final decisions. Tell him you both have had 28 years together and to consider that this may just be a rough patch that needs to be healed, so maybe best to even have some space from one another at worst in order to give time to straighten everything out. At least by having space he can have time to regroup. Depending on his responses and reasons would determine how to proceed there. I would also suggest to give counseling a try to him as a last resort.

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