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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Does sex equal relationship?

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I met this guy online about 2 weeks ago. We seems to be attracted to one another. He has came to job for a brief meet and greet early this week, and we even have a date set up Saturday morning. My question is he has kids from a divorce every weekend and that is not problem. He texted a lot and calls maybe 2 times a day. We even discussed a relationship in the future and he made it clear that mostly all his relationship started after sex. I have cold sores and have yet to tell him plus I don't want a relationship based on sex, and yes I had relationship that has started after that first sex act too. How do I handle this situation in a mature way. I told I was on my period so he would not expect anything more at least not for now. I wan to make sure he is worth telling about my situation and get to know him better first.  I am expected about out date I got my baby grandmother to watch her I have not been on a date in months, and yes I want a relationship.  Does he just sex or is he really looking for a relationship as well? 

I understand where you are coming from. Its like you don't want to tell your personal business if unnecessary, but at the same time you want to tell him early enough where he does not feel deceived. I think it would be best to go out on a few dates and get a feel of how you like him then go from there. If you feel there is strong potential then I would tell him asap because hiding that may make him feel that he was lied to or manipulated and cause worse problems down the road. It would be best for both of you this way since also it is best for you to know his reaction, so you do not waste your time. But like I said let him get to know you a bit first and you the same in order to be sure it is something that could be serious. Give it a few dates.

Hope it was helpful. I wish you all the best and feel free if I can help further.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Should I keep the date short then? I think he wants to make out after the movie. I told him I was on my period and he said your period must last all week. I even asked him for ideas about afterwards but he said he is not sure because it will be windy on Saturday, but he would get back to me if he think of something after the movies. I am confused because I did mention another movie theatre by 10 am and he told me to let chose the one by me for 10:30 am instead and he mention he had to home by 2 or 3 for the kids. At first he said the earlier the movie the better, so I want to know he truly wants a relationship or just sex for now. He say;s that when he does have sex he wants a relationship because he wants to continue being with that same person.

It seems like he is interested in having sex. Because of your circumstances I would try to keep it short if nothing else outside can be planned. The fact he is questioning your period makes me feel he is very focused on the sex. I think there should be a few dates getting to know each other to be sure if a good fit before sex happens, but in that aspect it is your decision. I would decide that first. If you are not even wanting sex right now regardless of your condition then I would make that clear that you want to get to know him first. Then during the first few dates I would tell him. However, if he shows no interest and his main goal is sex and opposite of what you want then there would be no reason to tell him at all since he would be starting the relationship in a fashion that you are not even interested in.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am sorry I am confused about that last statement..Please explain? Does that mean if we do have sex don't tell about the cold sores but we will still be in a relationship because he only is I gets in relationship after sex starts..I am confused. I might add I had been medicine for herpes for 3 o4 years and luckily no outbreaks if this helps me conversation with him.

Sure, no problem. Pretty much I think you should put your condition on the side for a moment to be sure if you both are on the same page. If he is interested in mostly sex and then that would make him stay in a relationship, but you are interested in getting to know him better first before sex then it seems like each of your priorities are in different places. If that is the case then there is no need to tell him about your issue. However, if you are both wanting the same out of the relationship in the same manner then I would tell him in a few dates.

I hope that clarified if not please let me know.
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If you don't want sex now and he does then it might not move forward anyway, so no need to tell. But if you both do want the same things and will get to know each other first then I would tell him before having sex within a few dates. Now if you both are planning to rush into sex then you would really have no choice, but to tell him asap. By the sounds of what you told me it sounds like he wants sex now and you prefer to get to know him better. In that case I would straighten that issue out first before telling him about your sores.
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