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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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My gf is not a sexual person and I am. We argue because I am

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My gf is not a sexual person and I am. We argue because I am not having enough sex and but I want to be considerate of her as far as when she wants it. She works as a nurse overnight and is tired after her shift. I do not approach her on days she works as well as the next day but she doesnt like to do it. Is there anything she can take to increase her sexual appetite?

Hello, I have been working with couples (many with sexual issues) in therapy for over 20 years. I am happy to answer your question. There is no medication a woman can safely take to increase her sex drive. The male hormone, Testosterone, does increase female libido, but it has serious side effects and is not FDA approved. Some medications, like anti-depressants decrease sex drive. If this is the case with your gf, she should see her doctor and ask to switch to an anti-depressant that does not have sexual side effects.


I am pleased that you are considerate of her feelings and do not push her for sex when she is tired from working. There are some things you can do to increase her sexual desire. There are creams and gels available over the counter that will make sex more pleasurable for her. Also most women need attention and affection and romance to become sexually aroused. So take her out for a romantic dinner, buy her some flowers, leave little love notes around for her. And since she is tired from work a lot, give her a lovely massage without expecting sex. She may surprise you!


I hope this helps. Chat back if you have any questions. Take care, Eleanor

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you Eleanor... My Gf doesn't take anything for depression but she has been diagnosed with factor 5 Leiden genetic disorder from 1 of her parents ... I know this affects pregnancy and probably later on in life major issues arise. My friend's wife also has same condition but she does not have lack in sex drive. I have tried to be patient but at the same time I cannot deny my sexual needs. I have tried giving her massages and as far as the romance and passion that doesn't work with her. She sees sex as more of a chore rather than pleasure. Is there a particular type of sexologist we should see? Should I go first or have us both go. Trying to figure out if there is something mentally or physically off or both. All my past relationships I've had no problems when it comes to sex it happened naturally whenever we could both do it but now even when she is rested, doesn't have work and not on her period she always finds some excuse not to do it. She says she still finds me attractive but I like being wanted... What suggestions do you have to deal with this situation?
Hello again, and thank you for the additional information. The first step should be for your GF to see her OB/GYN for a thorough physical and check-up, which should include a test of her hormone levels. If her estrogen is low, there are some topical creams that her dr. can prescribe that will make sex more pleasurable. Then I recommend that the two of you see a couples therapist, not a sex therapist. There may be some deep rooted psychological issues with your GF that need to be explored and healed in order for her to be fully sexually alive. And, as with all couples, there are other issues in your relationship that could be effecting you sex life. You may go to and to search for couples therapists where you live. Let me know if you need anything further. I wish you and her all the best, Eleanor
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