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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I met this guy that lives in Asia came to work to my country

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I met this guy that lives in Asia came to work to my country (america) we hanged out, and we kissed, one day in a party he was a little bit drunk he told me things like "will you break my heart?" but then we just had fun and kissed. I really felt like he liked me and was really excited to get to know him, but then there were some weird things. after hanging out he talk to me a lot by text, facebook inbox, but when the weekend came he didnt ask me out that much or he did and then had an excuse(he didnt went out that much i know it because we have mututal friends) i got kinda frustrated because why he looked for me that much and wanted to send me nice things via inbox or text (a normal guy would do de opposite) it was nice but so frustrating for me cause i didnt unterstand what he wanted, i got desperate and and begin to behave more indifferent cause i didnt get the reason of his acting. we stop talking cause i went away for a trip and when i came back we didnt talk for another week then he talked to me telling me he was hanging out with this other girl and he wanted me to know about it (he didnt had to do that, we were never that serious for me needing an explanation) but he still wanted to hang out with me. My reaction: super angry in the inside i told him we could be strictly friends (i just said that cause i didnt even cared if we would be friends or not) after that he kept talking to me by phone and text and inbox, mostly to wish me a nice day, or send me songs or things about food (i am a chef and he loves cooking), or funny things to cheer my day. in this time he didnt try anything or to gather with me for any naughty reason. Then i had this important event (my first catering event I hosted) and he found out and immediately called me and said he wanted to go, and he went and told me how proud he was of me. we kept talking and couple of weeks later he went back to his country. he went away on december, we have been talking still. Things you should know: -he came here because he begun a startup which didnt work out, he once said the reason he was so inconsistent was because he was suffering a unstable life, away from home, whole differente culture. - When he was here he was the one always looking for me but not at the same time cause i barely saw him - nothing relevant happened with the girl he hang out (we have mutual friends, and they barely went out) he kept looking for me in that time - he was always very alert of how i was and how my cooking things were. - he is very honest, very smart (scholarship in ivy league university but not cocky at all about that), very gentle heart and very loyal (i dont say this because i like him but is what our mutual friends think about him)and very impulsive guy - since he went away, we have been talking since he left, i usually write longer emails and text, his messages are shorter, but sometimes i start the conversations sometimes he does, 50-50 -since we have the talk were we say we will only be friends we became more closer, as frriends - he is not really the kind of guy that has a lot of friends that are girls, i even recall when i met him he told me " i dont think i could be so close friended with a girl friend" this is the thing, ill go to some bakery studies in miami, and he might be going as well for some job interviews,(casualty cause we found about each others plans in a phone conversation) but he is just in a place where he still doesnt know what to do with his life, who knows if he will end up in miami or not. - I have never like the idea of a guy as much as i have like what he represents, and i have like him for the right reasons (his values, his future vision, our similarities). i cant stop thinking about him and when i try or i have this dream about him that seems so real, or he talks to me in an inbox or something. I know is so stupid but i like him so much, and i dont know if i should try to conquer his heart long distance (it might not work and i would never dare to tell him what i feel for him) and if i try to make him fall in love with me i dont know how, i just dont know how to do and i can believe i am writing all this in an internet page to a counselor i dont even know. I have no idea how he feels for me. i dont have a concrete question, what do you think?

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

I understand how you feel. I would say the best way to go about this is to continue to be yourself and enjoy the times you do share together. Whether it be phone, text, facebook, or through meetings. When you are comfortable enough you may consider telling him. A big factor here is if you are willing to remain friends if a relationship were not to bloom. If you do not then it would be best to tell him asap to see if he feels differently now and to know if there is any potential for the future. This way you protect yourself from getting hurt as well as wasting your time. However, if you would want to remain friends anyway then I think there is no rush to tell him. I would just go with the flow and enjoy what you both have. It seems like you both have a mutual part in the relationship, which is good. I would continue being there for him as a friend and a support system. Show you are trustworthy through backing up your words with actions. If he is going to fall in love with you it will be by continuing what you are doing and being yourself. Some of the best relationships are built upon a strong friendship, which is truly the perfect way. You will see in time if things are progressing to that direction or not. In some time if things have not progressed you may want to think about telling him since you never know how he is feeling. He might start feeling the same way and be afraid to tell you. So if you are sure you may want to consider that.

Some thing else to think about is the fact that he lives so far and he doesn't know where he will end up. Long distance relationship for long term are extremely difficult. It is more like each person waiting for the next encounter rather than enjoying the time together. This in itself will be a big hindrance in the both of you growing closer. Also, if you tell him how you feel and he feels the same way that may impact what direction he takes in life and where he wants to live.

I wish you well and please do not hesitate if I can be of further help.
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