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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I´ve recently had major issues in my 10 year old marriage,

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I´ve recently had major issues in my 10 year old marriage, so long story short my wife asked me for divorce, although I didn´t accept right off the bat. As luck would have it, I met a beautiful girl 6 years younger than me (I´m 31) about 2 weeks later, we were both introduced by a friend of mine, at first we only communicated thru text messaging, and finally she accepted an invitation to go out on a first date. So, we went out, everything was great, there was a lot of flirting, I could immediately tell she really liked me, for she kept holding my hands and caressing my face, but I told her the truth in regards XXXXX XXXXX getting out of a marriage, I literally told her I was getting divorced. The reason I did this was because I just felt it was the right thing to do, to build a relationship upon honesty. Well, this got her upset at first because she said she had been told by this friend of mine who introduced us that I was single, so I replied I thought she didn´t know, that there was nothing between my wife and me anymore but that I´d devote myself to her if we ended up having a relationship. Within a few minutes, she calmed down and started holding my hands again and we changed the conversation subject, and everything was almost as good as at the beginning of the date, we even went to eat pizza. So long story short she told me she´d think about it but we didn´t agree on a timeline nor we agreed on a second date although she was very kind to me and even told me to text her as soon as I got back home to know I was alright (I live 65 miles away), so I did and she replied she liked to know I was ok. My question is, what should I do know, how long should I wait, I know she most probably won´t call me or text me anytime ´cause I´ve always been the one to communicate first ever since we met. This happened 3 days ago and what I was thinking of doing was to tell her personally that I´d actually already split from my wife, that I was already living by myself and that it´s just a matter of time that we get all the paperwork signed to finalize the divorce procedures, and even though it´s not quite true as of today, I´ve actually got a home ready for rental where I´d be going as soon as I split from the wife. Please help me ´cause I get really frustated in this kind of love matters, I can´t help being a very emotional guy. Thanks.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like this girl was taken back by the difference between what your friend told her and what she learned from you. It could be that she has had bad experiences in the past with relationships or she is just cautious about being hurt. Regardless, you may want to reassure her that you are on track to a divorce and that you will keep her informed as you go along, then do so. That will help build her trust in you.

You may also want to give her a little bit of time, maybe a week from when you last talked to her to contact her again. That gives her time to think things through. And when you contact her, ask to see her again face to face. When you meet and after you ask about her, let her know where you stand in your divorce. By waiting until you see her and talking to her about herself first, you give yourself time to gauge her responses and you let her know at the same time that you care about her before yourself. It also serves to make it so you do not seem overly anxious to reassure her, a sure sign that you are looking for her approval. You want to let her decide when she is ok with this relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

So is it a bad idea to just show up at her work instead of texting her before? that is, in a week from now. It´s just that I´m afraid she might not text back. One more thing, wouldn´t it be better to reassure her about my divorce before she makes a decision, or do you think that if I wait about a week like you said I´ll still be able to change her mind in case she had decided for a negative reponse

I would not just show up at her work. If she is still on the fence about her decision, that might upset her. In all things, it is important to put her first. So you might want to text her first. If she doesn't respond, call her. That way you will know what she feels for sure. And you want to give her the week so she has time to think things through. You can contact her earlier, but a week is a good gauge to allowing her to have time but not waiting too long.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Kate, I really appreciate your advice on this, one last thing: in case of a negative response, do you think I´d still have chances of changing her mind with those reassuring statements about the divorce and also reassuring her about the nice way I´d treat her and all the care and true love she´d receive from me in case we became lovers?

Yes, there is always a chance she would change her mind. You might want to focus more on how you want to be with her rather than the divorce situation. Bring that up last if you need to.

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
You might also try asking her what she needs in order to be together. That might get you the answer you are looking for.


May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Can I help you any further?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

No thanks, you´ve done a great job helping me deal with this myriad of feelings and confusion mixed with heartache.


Have a good day

Thank you. You too!