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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Dr. Paige, I am wondering if you could help me out here. My

Customer Question

Dr. Paige, I am wondering if you could help me out here. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years now and although our relationship as far as communication goes has gotten soo much better that when we started out our physical relationship has dwendled to the point where he only wants to have sex maybe once a month. Can you give me any idvice on this subject?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. I would ask your husband if he would be willing to talk with his Dr about this. It may very well be a physical issue more than one of him not desiring you. Men can lose Testosterone at a rapid rate beginning as young as age 35 depending on several factors. His diet also may be to blame as is any medications he may be on, stress levels at work, etc. I would definitely try to rule out these factors before anything else. Try to be supportive of him and understand that it most certainly has nothing to do with you. Once these other issues have been looked at, then you can take one symptom at a time and try to find answers to it. To me, it sounds like a medical problem may be taking shape. Try and rule this out first.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you Dr. Paige, I have asked him to go to his Dr about this and he says that he will eventually but he is not going. I have wondered about the Testosterone level since he is now almost 41. I also know that stress is most likely a large part of the problem because he is not happy at his job, we have our youngest daughter of 4 graduating this month and going off to college in August and we both are still suffering over the loss of our middle daughter who we lost a year ago in January in a car accident. I am trying to be patient and supportive but it is really hard.


Months back I spoke to him and told him how I felt and asked him if there was something that I had done. He told me that I had let myself go and that after a while he found that I wasn't attractive anymore. I know he is right about that because I have health problems and was very depressed about not being able to do what I wanted to and gained to 187lbs. I have since started going to a weight Dr. however and have lost down to 152. I am making sure that I try and dress up for him and put on makeup and show him that I care about our relationship but it seems that he is not willing to take that extra step to find out what the problem is. This is very frustrating for me because I want to be close to him and our sex life is something that I miss a lot.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
While he is trying to push some of the blame on you, I would suspect that this is an embarrassing problem for him and this may just be an excuse or a partial excuse. I don't believe that your weight or appearance is much of a factor here just given the small amount of detail we have spoken about. He has put off going to the Dr because men see their sexual identity as very important and going to get help is a weakness in a lot of their eyes, when in fact it is the opposite. You need to keep at him to go. You are doing your part in making an effort to lose weight, which should be for you, not him and he needs to understand that he needs to do this for both of you. You can only keep communicating with him as you have an expressing your feelings to him. You can't force him to do anything, so just keep your communication open with him and telling him your feelings. It will be up to him to act on them.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

The weight loss has been great for me although I did start on it for him in the beginning. Having lost so much weight has made me feel so much better in spite of my health issues. I just feel like he and I are about to start out in a new chapter of our lives and I don't feel that we are doing it as husband and wife. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I truly believe that he loves me as well but there is just something "missing". I don't even think it is just the sex to be honest. He just doesn't seem to SEE ME anymore. When we are together he is always watching tv or playing a game on his phone while we are talking. We discuss things and he seems to hear me but I don't FEEL as if he is paying attention to me.


He just seems to have changed soo much and some of the changes are good. He has learned to "bend" when it comes to finances which we did not see eye to eye on AT ALL for many years of our marriage, he has started to take more time for our children and that was a much needed step. But it just seems that he doesn't have much care or want to do anything for himself or me. He comes home from work and sits in front of the tv watching it and/or playing games on his phone until it is time to go to bed and on weekends he does much the same except he doesn't go to work-just sits there all day. He tells me that he doesn't have any energy and that he just doesn't have the WANT to do anything. I believe you are right in that it is a medical issue but I do not know how to get him to change it and I NEED him to.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
You are experiencing what happens in most marriages. People get used to each other and things and sometimes things get stale. He may be having some level of depression whether he is aware of it or not. Testosterone also has a lot to do with that and energy in general. I really think you can get a lot resolved with this entire situation if you can get him to the Dr. I might research some diet changes first to see if you can find out if you can help him get a little healthier at first. I would still just keep at him about going to the Dr in as much as a positive way as possible. Your hands are a bit tied as you cannot force him as I said. You can only do as much as you can before he must make the decision to continue. You have to express to him how much it means to you. Try to spice things up as you said you have and hopefully he will see how important it is to you.