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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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Hello, I was with my girlfriend for about 3 years. We were

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Hello, I was with my girlfriend for about 3 years. We were deeply in love. Shortly after getting together I lost my job and I allowed depression to consume me. I didn't have a job for the remainder of the relationship. I was always angry and never wanted to do anything. I woke up one day and found a letter telling me basically to get out, she took the dogs and went to her mothers. She had kicked me out before so I was reluctant to really move out. She over reacted to every situation. She wouldn't have more than a 20 or 30 min talk with me on the phone. I admit that I was very angry and didn't handle the situation the best. I agreed to the break up but I was all over the place and did say that I wanted to be with her. In the process of moving out she came back and we did manage to have a great talk. She said she wanted to keep me in her life, but I flipped out and said that I never wanted to be her friend. I was so wrong. Its been about a month and a week since I moved out. I made no contact with her for about a month. During the month she kept posting pictures of her having fun and running around with friends (Facebook). Meanwhile I worked on myself to a great degree. I have lost a lot of weight and started eating so much better. Since I have been getting healthy I have lost the depression I have started to see all my errors and realize now that my actions have truly hurt her and the situation. I have since realized how amazing and special she was to me. So last week I attempted to call her just to say I was sorry for how I behaved and that the break up was the best thing for both of us, But she didn't answer. During this month I found a job and have started to enjoy life as much as possible. Yesterday I planned an amazing day for myself and posted a bunch of pictures and comments. When I got on today I noticed she deleted me. None of her friends or her mother deleted me and she kept all my friends and family on hers. I know that she is upset with me, and I wish I could take the pain away so that I can start the long road to mending this relationship. I have read a lot of books on the subject and feel as though I am fairly competent about women and relationships. Is there anyway I can help her to not be so angry with me and to start giving me opportunities to hang out so that I can show her how different I really am. She thinks I am something I am not. I miss her and the dogs and her family. Thank you

Thanks for your question,

To a large extent it sounds like you've done the hard part, which is truly taking a look at yourself and your actions and taking some steps to create some positive and permanent changes in your life. Right now it sounds like she needs to get to a point where she is ready to talk, and when that happens it seems like you've done everything correctly to put yourself in the best possible position to make this work properly. If she has been frustrated with the relationship for a long time, it may take her a while to trust that the changes you're made are not just temporary. In that case, sometimes the best thing you can do is to continue to live your healthier and positive lifestyle in the hopes that eventually she is willing to talk about things and see it for herself.

If you haven't already expressed how you felt in a voicemail when you tried to call her, it may help to write her a letter/email discussing the changes that you've gone through and the different perspective you now have on the relationship. Writing it out will make sure that you say everything you need to say to her, and even if she chooses not to respond right away it will give her something to think about. At the same time if you feel like you've already made that clear to her, then there may not be much you can do until you see some signs from her that she is at least willing to have a conversation with you. Deleting you does make it seem that she is still emotional about your relationship, and that is typically a sign that she still needs a little space at least in the short term.

In most cases if you are patient, most likely you will have the opportunity to talk things through with her again. But picking the time properly and making sure that she is emotionally ready to talk will make the conversation much more productive, and sometimes trying to talk before she is ready can actually work against you. Unless you see some indication that she is ready, the best thing to do may be just to continue on the path you are already on with the idea that it is going to show her the consistency that she is looking for in the long run. I definitely wish you the best with all of this, and if there's anything else I can do to help please let me know.

Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Ryan, Thank you very much. I have already written this letter. I was going to mail it tomorrow. Within the letter I describe the some of the changes and even say that I do no want to salvage the relationship but want to have her in my life a a friend. Is this a good idea? Once again Thank you!

No problem I'm glad I could help. After having been together for three years, it may be possible to be friends, but most likely it would be difficult to be normal friends now. If the idea is to use that as a stepping stone to slowly working on your relationship, that may be exactly what she would need in order start building up her level of trust. Otherwise while I completely understand the desire to have her in your life in some capacity, sometimes trying to just be friends when your emotions are still so heavily invested can be even more difficult than what you're going through now. A lot depends on how emotionally ready you feel that you would be to deal with the potential of her going on a date or even seeing someone else. If you feel like you're ok no matter what, then it certainly can't hurt to see how she feels about being friends. Best of luck,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My intent is to use that as a stepping stone. Like I said in anger I have never wanted to be her friend I just didn't say that I have always wanted her to be my wife. I can't express to you how much you have helped me. I am going to bookmark this website and if in the future if I need a little guidance I will be coming to you.

Keep up the great work


Good luck David, you're always welcome back and I'm very glad I could help. I hope it all goes well,