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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3497
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My boyfriend and I are in a tense phase right now. Both of

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My boyfriend and I are in a tense phase right now. Both of us are a bit touchy, kind of mad at each other and we are not speaking much. He is making effort to contact me a few times in the day, but I am not responding too well to it. He tried to tell me that you can tell me your feelings, maybe it'll help, and he wants us to become happy with each other. So when he called me afterwards, I tried to express my feelings, but then he took it all personally and that I was mistrusting him. I left the conversation. He tried to contact me later that he misses me and wanted to talk about how my day, and how I was. I was not very responsive. We have not slept together in the last 4 or 5 days due to the tension, and this is the longest that we have gone without it. He tried to initiate it a few days ago, but I was not responding. I have not been this hurt before and this is causing me to pull away from him. Plus I feel I can't express myself right now without him getting all touchy and personal. Without being able to express myself, I am not able to go back to normal with him. I am wondering if sleeping with each other could ease the tension and perhaps better the situation? Could it make the situation worse? Should I let him initiate it again? Or try to initiate it myself?

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Thanks for reaching out. I truly believe that continuing to try and express yourself is the way to go. If you feel that having a conversation about it makes it more difficult, you might try and write things down first so you can feel clear in how you want to express yourself. I would also suggest that when you express yourself either verbally or in writing that you speak more about how you feel and your desires rather than finger pointing or blame. Not suggesting that you are doing that but rather saying that it is easier for others to hear us without feeling defensive if we express how we feel about things.

In therms of the intimacy, I don't think there is anything wrong if you desire to have that closeness with him, but I do not believe it will just return things to normal. It might feel that way for a bit, but the tension that exists right now will creep back in as it remains unresolved. It may help to make you feel less tense and more ready for a calm and loving conversation about your feelings. Intimacy is good but it will not magically erase the tension or your feelings that need to be spoken about to find resolve.

Be open, calm and loving so you can get back to a connected space and then the intimacy will be even better.
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