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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I just wanted to get a second opinion on this one: Hi,

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I just wanted to get a second opinion on this one:


my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years just dumped me out of the blue two weeks ago. We've had a very happy, stable relationship. No fights. No violence. The sex was great. I thought it was out of the blue but as I began analysing, I saw where it went wrong. About 3 months ago I had some issues at work and I was very frustrated about it (she tried to help - we work at the same company -, but I had to solve this on my own). And this frustration spilled over to my, well our private life. I had no energy, was totally lazy and just wanted to sit on the couch and watch TV in the evening. I didn't show her enough love and affection, although my feelings never changed, but I was "lazy" in the relationship as well. We didn't have sex for one month (it was regular - daily - before that). I think she felt pushed away by this and thought my feelings had cooled down. We talked about this 2 months ago and I told her I still love her and this is just a phase that will go away. But ... I was still lazy about the relationship - didn't do my part, didn't show her how much I care. Then things went well again, I was out of my slump and started to put more work into the relationship, but it seems she felt as she was losing me and got scared (?) and ended the relationship. It was not until we had "the talk", that I relaised my wrong doings, but she had made her choice. I thanked her for the talk, hugged her, told her I understand and that I need some time for myself. Broke contact 100 % (just say hi to her at work and make small talk about the weather if we meet, nothing else). She has tried contacting me during this time, told me she would like to talk again, but I told her it was too early (that was 1 week ago). I needed to get my emotions in check and think about do I really love her. Or do I just miss the relationship and my EGO is hurting. I really love her and are willing to work harder for us to be happy. I also found out through mutual friends, that she's really sad and in a bad mood. She's coming over to my place to get her things ... I was wondering should I try talking to her about what went wrong and how I'm willing to fix it. I still love her A LOT.

We talked a lot about how we would be together forever, but I guess everybody does that.

I'm 30 yrs old, have had my share of relationships, so I know you have to put work into them after the first madly-in-love-phase. She's 28 and this has only been her 2 relationship.

What should I do?

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. You are now ready to try to build on the past and to create a new relationship that will be strong. But you're not sure if she is prepared to do the same.

The indications that she's made, though, certainly seem to point to her wanting to make the relationship work: she tried to make contact with you, she said that she wants to talk again.

These are very good indications but most important is that you feel you love her. That's such an important affirmation you've arrived at. And it should lead the way in your actions. Here's what I mean:

You love her and you want to work on the relationship. There is no need to wait for any signals from her because she's already given the signals. There is much reason to have hope. Therefore, be romantic. In the classical sense. Send her flowers and include a very personal note about your recognizing her importance to you and what a good person she is.

Then send her an email with a poem you write about your feelings for her. It doesn't have to be a great poem, it just has to be something you've written. The idea?

Show your feelings by showing that you are already working on the relationship. Then ask her on a date and make part of the date walking together and talking. In other words, start working on the relationship even now. Because there is much reason to be hopeful.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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