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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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hi for dr abbott.hi dr abbott. how are you? im trying my

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hi for dr abbott.
hi dr abbott. how are you? im trying my best but not doing as well.
i havent spoken to you in 3 days or so and you wouldnt believe what has happened in this short span.
one my daughter and now m y son has pneumonia. my son cant sleep at all and has been crying for days.
im exhausted. on top of that - wed night at work i was extremely busy, and another nurse i work with said she had mentioend to people that i t seems in particular get slammed - they said it was because liz works too slow. and now dr abbot, i was just preg and am back a little over 2 months now, but im not slow. im a nurse for 10 yrs and i can do a trmendous amount of work. i wish there was a way to prove all i do when im on, but.. there isnt.
i initially got very upset esp since i had been getting screamed at by pts and families who were waiting. i kept my mouth shut and kept trying to plow thru.
i kept repeating to myself as you had said it doesnt matter.
i even had my female mgr i guess notice as i was extremely quiet - i usually joke around and try ot break the stress up with that - and she repeatedly asked me what was wrong and i told her nothing b/c i didnt want to spread that around and plant that seed.
i finally was finishing ym shift soemhow and the male nurse mgr said he needed to speak to me - i had two pt complaints back to back.
i was surprised as i had felt i had put out alot of fires. i was forced to wait more than 30 min past my shift to wait for him. i was finally called in after a girl whos a medical assistant came out crying saying that shes getting fired. i of course was nervous about what was to happen next.
i havent had a call in for a complaint and im there for 2 yrs next month. he initially asks me about a female pt whos 90 yrs old - and said that i had a male nurse put a catheter in her (a urinary one) i said i wasnt working with a male nurse, and didnt have an order to place one. he said well the daughter said you did. i said well im sure that didnt occur on ym shift. also the daughter had gone home at like 1am and i had a long talk with the pt who was upset about breaking her hip and i told her how life doesnt always go as we had planned b ut we make it thru. she had seen me earlier with my infant son and said i saw you carrying that cute baby was he sick? i said oh no that was my son - my daughter was sick.. an she said oh you must be a great mom etc etc. the rest of the night was uneventful. the same pts daughter said that i also took the call bell away from the pt. i said why would i do that? and the pt had called me several times and i answered her.
the next complaint was about a 98 yr old male whos daughter said that she came in and there was aurinal full fo urine next to a food tray. the pt came in the middle of the night and again when i left i had put three ivs in that pt and talked with him, he told me i was a good kid and not to get old. and grasped my hand. i explained to the mgr that there are no food trays on nights. and usually when a urinal it put next to other things like food or drink its b/c the pt uses the urinal and puts it down next to the other item. not the nurse.
the mgr said well why arent you feeding the pts at night? i said b/c there no food and theyre being worked up, and are not be eating until the drs decide what testing the pts require ..(hes a nurse, why doesnt he know this?)
he seemed not satisified with my answers and said he will continue to investigate this. i said ok.. i expressed that i had been extremely busy the last 3 weeks running every shift and being stuck for 1 to 2 hrs past and he snapped at me everyones busy not just you. i said im not saying just me but i have 10 to 12 pts and no nurses aide.
i know hes not going to investigate and hes not going too find out it wasnt me. b/c hes not going to care enough and hes going to have this stuck in his head. b/c if he cared he wouldve looked to see all this and easily understood it from charting as i had charted the reassurance i had given the one pt and all the time si emptied the urinal and how much urine and the fact i am not a male nurse and had no order for the catheter.
i get home late - extremely late - and later find out how sick the baby is. i take them to the dr in the am, and took kate to lunch and play, were in the middle of trying to refinance the house and the bank said theyre not doing it theres liens against our property. one in each of our names. an estate lien. so we look up what that is, and i know weve never been contacted about such a thing - one is in the amount $3600 on my husband and i have a $1600 one. estate liens are from an inheritance apparently. but my husband received an inheritance like 10 yrs ago.. it was for like $2500. and ive never received one. hes trying to call the town and finds out its not school/ property tax which i knew as it says estate lien. and they wont say anymore info on the phone so we will have to go ot the town during normal business hours

-- Wow. Just when I believed you were going to get a break from the universe it has a relapse and hits you both barrels. As much as I'd like to say 'none of this matters' I'm afraid I cannot do that. It matters. And much of it just plain isn't 'fair'

Or right or just or anything else

So let's take stock while taking very deep breaths and with each thing that is truly able to be let go, we'll let it go.

One exercise is to put a problem or whatever is bothering you in a flame in front of you and with the exhale of that deep breath, blow it out (make it GONE). Be careful to not re light it; however, if you do, keep taking the deep breath and blowing it out each time

As for the sick child and demands of mom-hood, well, yes that's quite a stressor, but again you can't do anything other than your very best to make them feel better. This too shall pass. However much it might not seem so
You did beautifully at work in deflecting prods and pokes by others for your being quiet and focused. Keep it up! It might take a while, but they'll soon butt out

As for the interview with the manager, well, trust your instincts here. Not your 'panic' thoughts, but very basic instincts. Do you really think they'll find wrongdoing where there is none? Do you really think it will be held against you?

If so, start the wheels in motion for your defense and be prepared to fight for yourself with human resources or union reps or whatever is next in the chain of command or available for workers to dispute charges.

Don't BE on the 'defensive' so to speak, but certainly dispute the untrue charges. Calmly and succinctly. Stay on point and be polite without any of the buzz words that might indicate you're on the attack. Which, believe me, I would understand given his less than common sense accusations.

Keep repeating that "I'm sorry these elderly and probably very confused patients, along with highly stressed family members felt wronged and apparently focused on you because you were the primary caregiver they saw." Only proving the point that you were doing your job, above and beyond.

Now, with regard to the refinancing and the other new hurdles, time to get a lawyer.

This is the least attractive of the options, but it's all you can do. Or have someone at the bank tell you how to get through this yourself. They have things like this happen ALL the time - they know what your steps are and exactly how to take them

The market is still 'iffy' at best and the bank knows it won't accomplish anything positive for themselves if they don't work with you.

I know this has to be one of the bigger stressors right now and more than anything I wish I could fix it for you.


So once again, let go of those things not in your control and not significant - like the inane comments of coworkers; take solace in that some things 'just happen' and will resolve on their own, like your children being ill. And start taking steps or at least planning the steps you will take with regard to defending your career and home. Use lawyers or other means as necessary.

And Liz, find a moment every single day for YOU to just be quiet and calm and recharge. Even an hour in the bedroom with a tabloid magazine or glass of wine or both - or even a park bench somewhere removed from the din of all these stressors - find just an hour in every day to quiet the din and know that no matter what, you still have a loving husband and beautiful children and even if living out of the back seat of a car or under a bridge, that's what really matters

(No, you won't ever be living in these circumstances, but you get the point right?)

I'm truly sorry you have to go through all of this.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

hi dr abbott.

my older has improved and finally is napping now. my son who is refusing to take any bottle has taken some and is sitting in front of me now in his little chair with toys. kind of whining but frankly ive been holding him for about four hours and my shoulder feels like its broken after all this.


i honestly think the "complaints" esp the food next to the urinal and the male putting i a catheter - well they cant be founded on my time. b/c they just didnt happen. the pts are alert and oriented as one lived at home with her husband.. and the other too even at 3am was oriented. i honestl dont think the pts complained about me. i think the daughters are whatever. confused or i had the thought that after i left the pts were there 2 nights. and possibly since they were still in the er they were talking about the next night shift. when he printed he printed the er record, we then as confusing as this sounds switch to an in pt documentation. so he may have just printed out the initial first night but b/c were so busy the pts were stuck in the er due to lack of beds.

the only thing i cant definitely say couldnt have happened was that i took that call belll away. i didnt, but its something that couldve happened anytime. its not true b/c i was answering her light all night, but.. i dont know. it looks bad the whole two pts at once thing. harder to dispute. i will not bring it any further unless they bring it up again, as i dont want to keep pushing it or reminding them of it. and ill be able to tell my new female mgr on nights if she asks, im more prepared and had time to think. if im called in again ill repeat what i said and then call the union. i brought it up to a nurse i work with dan - hes very good with stuff like that he said maybe he knows its not you but has to just tell you theyre saying this. i said well he didnt say that. im thinking since te mgr seems disorganized since i met him that hes not going to do a great job at this. if its the case ill my female mgr to look into it more if she can. im not worried of it b/c i know i didnt ask the male nurse - i gave report to a male nurse in nthe morning ad food trays are also on his time. so i mean pts families can say things but.. well if i didnt document a catheter or have an order then what?

i feel bad about all this b/c i really did run the whole night and i felt i had a good relationship with the pts. i hope they dont think i did them wrong soemhow honestly. i expressed that i had been working extremely hard and was upset about this and my boss said i dont like complaints either. i guess im going to have to work soem nights to see whats going on then. since theres hardly complaints about nights. i didnt say anymore b/c i felt like i wasnt getting anywhere and felt kind of defeated as i know my name is XXXXX XXXXX nurses saying im slow and complaints etc, well i dotn see myself going far there. i thought itd be a year of my proving myself but id get people to see im not a bad nurse. that i do my job. and im good at it. i take pride in it.

i knwo i told you of the awful things that happened at my other job and this has too much of a similar taste to it. but i dont know if i told you before that huge fall from grace i was considered one of the best nurses in that hospital. i was told so by the chief nursing officer. i had stellar evaluations for years and was the chage nurse. along wiht i trained like half of the new nurses. id train one after another. and all of thm always told the educators how good i was.

and now its been two years. more. and im still not back. and i realize i wont get back. i know my family is the most important thing but if i lose my job my family wont be supported. and of course i hate how hard i try and im just dissapointed. i thought id go to a new hospital, theyd like and appreciate me and i could say see? that other hosp was wrong. i am ok. and this i s basically reaffirming yeah youre not so great at this. and i cant figure out why.


the refi if its dead in the water it is. im tired of bank of america. honestly. the liens im concerned about. i have read that they can be errors. but well have to take the time and the steps to contact who has the lien - and frankly i cant imagine its us b/c wouldnt they send us letters or something to try and get us to pay? i mean if you dont contact us to pay we wont obviously. the bank lady said theres no case numbers on them also unsual but i dont know if thats true or not b/c ive never had to deal with lien procedings. so were to go to the town hall when rob can get off from work - take the kids i guess - and go. well take copies and then send registered letters i think. ?(trying to save the cost of alawyer b/c frankly i cant spend another dime on nonsense i didnt do. )

and well have to fight it as much as we can. if we cant get anywhere ourselves then i guess well consider the lawyer. but id like to try ourselves first.

the state apparently yu have to pay upfront so now i have to "find" the 2900 and if i didnt have my dads $1700 i wouldnt have that much as i dont even have 2900 with hsi money but i can find $400 - in the name of not paying a bill. as i have no choice anymore.

im going to talk to my manager if things arent too awful about working ot as i feel theres no choice anymore - i worked 2 days ot about 5 weeks ago and had the next day soemone hit my car unisured and had to pay the $500 i made in ot for my deductible b/c state farm told me its just too bad essentially, and i had to host easter and pay for that out of the 2nd day. i told my husband no mor eot for me bc bad things happen to me then. but apparently they still do anyway.

i was thinkign i could work an 8 hr shift and do 11pm to 7am on a friday night. the kids probably wont know im gone.. and i can get home quick as theres no traffic sat am. and well itll make me $400 ill do it a few imes a month.

i dotn want to tell my dad about this but i know hes going to ask about the car, i had the thought of just returning the money next month and just saying things are different now. frankly i dont knwo what to say.


even to me this all sounds suspicious and like were complete screw ups. if i heard this story i wouldnt believe me either so. im kinda stuck.


im sure the bank doesnt want to refi us. were paying 6.5% on our mortgage which what i said to my husband why would they refi us? to lower our rate? but other banks are doing their customers with the federal refi before others. and well weve lost it b/c i wont be able to fix this before we lose it anyway.

besides the fact what can i say to the accountant who tols us wed be getting $4500? she sucks? i mean im close to that but shes my fathers accountant and shes been good to us the last 4 yrs weve used her.

its just we were counting on that money. im going to have to work 11 days ot to make up that money.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

oh and i forgot to mention that i havent spoken to anyone who came to easter except my father?


Just the tone of your note this time indicates a lot more calmness. You've broken it all apart and thrown out the things you know you don't have to worry about, while already projecting solutions for those things that need solving.

Consider the lack of communication from anyone at Easter to be a necessary break at this point. Let sleeping dogs lie

As for dad, well, start by saying: "even to me this all sounds suspicious and like were complete screw ups. if i heard this story i wouldnt believe me either so...." and then be honest.

Trust me on this one, coming clean right from the beginning is going to be far less of a hassle than being avoidant and eventually having to reveal all anyway. Holding secrets weighs so much more than letting them go.

Besides, from my perspective, as cranky and crass as your dad can be, he's still your dad and that includes this deep, biological drive to be your protector, your supporter and your 'go to guy' no matter what or when.

I know he might not always display it or do it in the best way for you, but it's the best way for him.

Let him be the only kind of dad he knows how to be. It doesn't matter what he 'thinks', only what he feels and does.

You know this deep down.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

hi Dr Abbott.


I'm just going to tell my dad about the tax thing. The refi is nothing to do with him nor the liens. I'll tell him I finished the mortgage but I don't have cash down n I'm w


aiting for the letter from the bank or whatever...


its the best I can do really. I'll see if my female mgr lets me pull the Fri night thing n I'll do it one time n see how it is. I don't want to do this but I guess I have to put on my big girl pants n man up. My husband is mgmt n can't pull ot unless they're forced to like in emergencies. He works at a utility n there's a hurricane o


r power outage etc


that's one good thing in nsg. All the ot u want n its like for everyone. We can all work ot n still be short somehow.


our families don't need to know all of our business n we don't have to explain ourselves. N I'm not explaining myself to ppl anymore. I completely refuse.


this yr will continue to b hard I guess. I feel like no matter how much money we make its not enuff n its not b/c we have to take another trip to Hawaii or something. $6900 on top of 40k to the fedcplus 12k in reg property taxes is just bull. plus state taxes. Its like they're going to squeeze us til we say forget it. I feel like quitting my job honestly.

Liz, I'm just saying that holding info back isn't healthy. Eventually it slips out or needs to come out or whatever and that is when everyone reacts badly and thinks you were hiding things.

Of course you don't need to explain yourself (good for you!) I'm behind you 100% as usual and I hope you know that. I continue to see a lot of me in you and having come out the other end I can look back in retrospect and see every slip up, mistake and wrong turn I made.

Sometimes it's stronger to be able to live your life without anything kept private (ok, obviously some exceptions to that statement) and that means sharing what is as what it is and then refusing to make excuses or justifications. Truth is, bad things happen to good people. Sometimes a good person has way more than their share of bad things in order to make up for some other person on the other side of the world who live a charmed life. Who knows.

You can quit your job, but you can't quit your life. You have a calling for this work and letting the idiots get you down means letting the idiots win (whether the tax man; the coworkers; the family; friends; enemies). No. When you're squeezed just roll with it.

I know it might not seem like it, but you too will come out the other end in this life and in calm comfort you will look back and strangely appreciate all of this. You will end up a very wise, serene and insightful lady who has more depth than most for having survived.

Honestly, you're half way there!