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Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question
Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 300
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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A new question is answered every 9 seconds name is XXXXX XXXXX a history of childhood abuse

Customer Question name is XXXXX XXXXX a history of childhood abuse and abandonment,(men as well as women) abusive relationships are all too normal..I am extremely jealous ,,this is where my problems with myself come from,, I am in a new relationship &I have alot of feelings for him,,if he even talks to agirl or even looks at her, i have created a story in my mind of exactly what I perceive it to be ,, I am in desperate need of help here,,I lose people in my life because of this which only adds to my insecurities,, it is breaking my heart and I am hurting people emotionally and mentally including myself please help... counseling has not helped me
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  askcounselor replied 4 years ago.

askcounselor :

It seems that until you get to the bottom of your abandonment and childhood abuse issues, you will feel that things 'may not work' in your relationships. We tend to "transfer" past psychological hurts to current doubts about relationships not working out, even if they may very well turn out o.k.

JACUSTOMER-6j1cn18u- :

I am aware of that,,and have worked hard at overcoming issues ,,this is very debilitating to me and i am hoping for some insight to gain some control over my emotions

JACUSTOMER-6j1cn18u- :

maybe you could asksomeone else there who can help me with this problem since it seems like this is not what your willing to assist me with

askcounselor :

There are some very good self-help books on how to have healthy relationships -- since counseling has not helped you, you may prefer to become acquainted on how to establish, develop and maintain a long-lasting relationship. Good luck to you!

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 4 years ago.
Hi Lyndsay,
I'm sorry that the other expert has not returned to you.

If I may, I would like to try and help.

Firstly I wanted to say I'm sorry that you've experienced such a tough upbringing and childhood, this cannot have been easy for you and I want to express to you that I can see that you are doing your best and are trying.

Some strategies for you to consider may include keeping a diary or a journal - not your normal kind but one that includes self statements of the GOOD things you've been doing through the day - you don't have to write daily but it would be good to get into a routine of thinking about what are your positive skills, abilities and qualities - it could be anything but make sure you acknowledge them. Start to focus on the good things you do, recognize your worth - because it will be within you, buried deep down somewhere...

You've had some major issues around trust - none seem again like your doing. However, the jealousy needs to be worked on and the only way you can really begin to do this is by talking therapies - yes I do understand that you have tried it in the past, but believe me when I say, no two counselors are ever the same. If you can persevere and try a different counselor, you might finally get the kind of support you need. Talking through the insecurities and jealousy which stem from huge betrayal in the past, will gradually help you to let go of it and start to focus on what's really important here - your happiness and inner peace. It can help if you go into a counseling relationship where the counselor understands what your aims and expectations are from it.

Another strategy to help with these negative intrusive thoughts surrounding your insecurities of your boyfriend, is by actually challenging those thoughts. Whenever you have such thoughts try to say "STOP!" in your mind and straight after, bring yourself back to the here and now - start thinking and answering the following: what room are you in, what can you smell, what can you hear, what can you feel - if you are touching a sofa etc... This is a mindful exercise and can help you to just break the cycle of negative thoughts - this works for people with intrusive depressive thoughts, so give it a try.

You will continue through this vicious circle unless you break it and stop living in this very painful and hurtful way both towards yourself and others - you deserve so much better and you CAN achieve this so long as you don't give up. You are very articulate and are very aware of everything that you've experienced, therefore my belief is that somehow with further appropriate support - you will get there - have faith in yourself and don't give up.

Lyndsay, my absolute respect to you and I wish you nothing but the best.

I really do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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Kindest Regards, Karin

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