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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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I (T)have dealt with someone for 16 years we have dealt with

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I (T)have dealt with someone for 16 years we have dealt with eachother on and off within that time. I am currently 40 and will be 41 and she is currently 39 and will turn 40. I have a 23 year old and a 15 year old. She (K) has a 19 year old son. I loved her and always have. My son was born under circumstances that were out of my control by (M) (by another person..I wasn't in a relationship with anyone) and I left this woman because it wasn't fair to to K. She did not find out til years down the line. I had a soon and I kept it from here because I was afraid to tell her. Fast forward we graduated college undergrad from the same school me in 97 and her in 98. we both went to grad school and both graduated in 2001. She always wanted to be with me and have kids. I was just not comfortable enough because I wasn't settled into my career. She was a teacher and I made more money from what I did working through college than I did off of my degree. I kept working and taking career chances. In between that time we were on and off and during the rlationship she cheated and got pregnant and I took it on the chin. I cheated and got caught going on a Carribean vacation with someone else. We both made mistakes she left me after that because she wanted to get married. She was 35 and I was 36. I went to nursing school as a salvage attempt at a career. It didn't work out so I went to Iraq and Kuwait to get money and retart a foundation for her and I ( house and wedding ring). things have been fine. there were issues because Ihave a split family because she has met my family but does not know them intimately. I explained I am not around them intimately ( I work 2 jobs and I am in the reserves and in a MBA program currently..after a year of nursing school). I met her relatives and friends and they dont care for me. I respect them but on't care for them. They don't like me because they feel that I strung her along. We both did real bad things to each other at a time. FFW 2010 we are engaged August 2010, everything is great she is a teacher and working toward her second Masters degree. I am supportive. I had a moment of weakness and messed with my childs mother and she becomes pregnat. She aborted and I left the paperwork in my jacket and K finds out Christmas day from going through my coat when I was sleep. we broke up Iwent overseas to Iraq for 9 months we are over that. i still want to marry her but she could not let go of what happened. She wants me to move in. I have an apartment but she holds ownership of everything in her house some of the thing like a 50 inch LCD other things and a trip to Puerto Rico I financed. And said unless we come to a mutual agreement, ill contribute but I will not move in until I know where i stand with you. I maintained my apartment as did she maintain her residence. During that time we were together. We tried counselling and argued in the lot (something stupid). Worked it out. I currently work for the government I can do everything I wanted to do for her as the man in her life. worked toward getting a house around the corner from her so we can live in one and rent one ( she has the bulk of the student loan debt). We went out December 28th and had a good time. She was mad because we did not spend Christmas together because he had family obligations and so did I. I put a bid in for the house Dec 29th. She had friends that were having a party initally I wasn't invited and it was a fin for yourself situation. Prior to that I planned a nice romantic evening for new years eve. I made other plans and she was mad. after that we hadn't spoken for 3 weeks. I broke down and sent roses to her job. I was cursed out and was told I only do that when she is mad at me. I called her house (we live in the same neighborhood) she did not answer). i drove over because I knew she was there and she threatened to call the cops if I didn't leave and she was done with me (after 15 years and I am not a violent person, although,Iwas upset). I was very upset because I was thinking after all this time how could she do this. She had an engagement ring that I said that if the relationship was over I wanted my ring back and 400 she owed me. she refused, so i sent a certified letter. She sent the ring and a 200 check. I told her to keep the money because I didn't want the money..i didn't want the ring but it was worth 5000 and I said it out of anger. She called May 12 wishing things didn't go as far as they went and I appologized. I tried to go NC but the reality is that i still love her and would set a date to marry this woman today if I could. It is April 9th and I sent a text message to call me so we can talk. I am so confused mistakes done on both sides but this is the only person I have ever truly loved and don't know what to do because she may be gone forever or began to move on

Deardebra : I want you to tell her how you feel.
Deardebra : Tell her you love her and want to make this work.
Deardebra : It is important for her to know how you feel. I know you both have had a many ups and downs in this relationship but it just seems like you both were meant to be together.
Deardebra : You have been throuygh a lot together and you will never resolve these issues unless you both can sit down and talk. You both need to talk about what you both want and need in this relationship in order to move forward together.
Deardebra : You do not want to lose her fromn your life so you need to tell her how you feel.

I initiated contact through a text confused because I read several things that said give her time to miss you.i was willing to go 6 months and then thought that sounds stupid. Also time has pased may be another guy. I am doing allot better than she is financially I purchased a foreclosure directly down the street and around the corner. It wasn't intentional but the price was right and substancially lower than the market. I will be living literally two blocks away and there is no way she won't eventually see my car. I really want things to be as they were or close to what it was.


She may not even respond to my text. Our last contact prior to business of the ring she was threatening restraining orders and calling the cops when i did absolutely nothing to her

Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
he reason why she was so upset was over the ring, taking back a ring is basically saying ti is over, I do not want to marry you anymore. This is a very hurtful and upsetting thing because you move someone so much and you are planning a life together only to wake up one day and it is all gone. I want you to think about how she felt. Now she has had a chance to calm down and think things through. She was just very upset and hurt. When people act like this it is because they can not cope with the intense hurt they are feeling so they lash out. The text I want you to send is I wanted to check in to see how you have been doing. It has to be simple. You do not wan to push her away and she needs to know it is a friendly text and not one that is trying to upset her. Then you want to wait of for her to respond.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Will do...however the issue with the breakup wasn't my idea. she told me she did not want to be together and that s when I asked for the ring. that was the last thing I wanted. I'd rather have her. the ring means nothing to me..

I want you to really look at why she wanted to break up. I want you to think of the main reason why she decided to end things. I understand the ring means nothing and that you would rather have her back. You need to tell her all this so she knows how you feel about her. I think that so much has happened and things need to be discussed so that you both can see if you can reestablish this relationship. You both have been through so much together I feel that if you both do decide to reconcile that you leave the past in the past and move towards making plans for the future.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I tried to keep it light and she was nasty initially. She called we conversed on why she felt I should not call her because in her mind I am not the one for her. She said she has given me 16 years of chances and does not want to give me any. Suddenly she is above me and does not want to work things out. We have done many things to help each other and the majority of things I did for her were not appreciated. I have tried to tell her and it went on death ears. At this point I am done. I am a good person that has made mistakes but, my contributions in her life have gone unappreciated and she is threatening to change number. I texted her once in one month she texted me the last time. I am not willing to put forth the effort because she did not want to hear anything I had to say. She has stalked me at a time in our relationship. I never held it against her and has always been the same person. Maybe it's her friends, maybe it's a new guy but I have always been genuine with her and put my best foot forward.
It sounds like she is not over everything that has happened and has not cleared her mind of what has gone on. She is still holding a grudge when it comes to this relationship. I think once she calms down she will see things clearly. It has been 16 years of you both going back and forth with this relationship. That was a long time and you have been through many things together. Now it your time to real think about what you want to do. She is clearly stating she feels you both do not belong together. That is the choice she has made as of right now. But she could later change her mind. I want you to step back now because you gave her a chance and she told you how she felt. You need to do what is best for you now.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Last text which was exactly a week ago verbatim " I got your messagejust getting an opportunity to reply. As far as im concerned you and I have nothing to discuss. All of our discussing ended months ao. After the break up, the threatenin to sue me, and the returning of the ring. I wih you no ill will. please do not contact me anymore."

It stung but I had to sit back and really think. Prior to all of this she started distancing herself because even down to being intimate. We had a bad arguement because I asked her too wear lingerie for me. She made a remark that if I buy it she would. the problem I had with that is that she can spend tons of money on shoes and miscelaneous dumb stuff and the one request that I had ( I never throughout the time we dated ask her for many things..she could not deliver). That and before we broke up I helped her purchase a TV because her room TV went out around Christmas time. She really likes to watch TV and her son watches the 50 inch I purchased in the living room ( mind you I have a 42 in my own livingroom the same model). She did not get me a chrismas gift because I stated that I needed something that she was not able to get ( would have gotten me the wrong thing and she was strapped for cash). I love Christmas the holiday but, i feel that if you treat me well all year around a gift should not matter. No effort was made which made me realize how selfish she was then.


Currently I am about to make settlement on my new house in a few weeks which is right around the corner from her ( not intentionally but best buy buying the house for 40,000 under market value, initially the plan was to live in one and rent one out) She does not know this I put my bid in the day after our last date which was before I was blindsided. It is aproximately 5 minutes from my job driving. The way my house is situated if she drives from the opposite direction of where she normally drive she will see my noticeable cars. I figured life goes on, she has a mortgage she can't afford to pay with her bills as well as student loan about to kick in. My mortgage will be no where near hers as well( already went bankrupt and has no family support). I will be swimming, she will be drowning, as well as she is the type to see when my car is there or not reguardless of who is in the picture ( been together 15 years and she is the jealous type...she drove by my house when I lived across town). I plan on giving her everything she wants " her space" and let her find out on her own my address. We already live close but not this close. I am a nice looking guy gained a few pounds being comfortable and lost 15 since this began. I feel now if she wants to move on let her. Anyoneelse that deals with her may not be around long and anyone long term will either have to help her ( may be an older guy who will take care of her or a younger person willing to move long will it last ...maybe someone that keeps her happy idk). At this point we have no kids and no financial ties. I have 2 good jobs and I have a military reserve career, 22 years. My oldest child is an adult and my youngest is 15. If she wants to roll the dice let her. She will visibly see her losses the long run.


This does not change how I feel about her but, looking at the big picture it may be a blessing from God to leave her.


I Honestly feel that there is another guy in the picture because of the time that passed and how cold she was but, when she gets the news of the house. it will offset any momentum she think she gained on me.

Has she found out about the house yet?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No and would not know unless she saw my car...
I feel you should tell her so she knows. The reason why is if she sees your car she might think you are seeing someone else. She will not know that you are living there. Just a simple note I am living at give the address.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

She was very nasty at our last exchange and she mentioned that I am to contact her under no circumstances( in any form). At this point my hands are tied I was very respectful and just mentioned that I would just like to talk. The very last time we spoke I inquired if there was someone else and I was told she does not have to answer to me. My sister brought up a perspective that I did not think of when she made mention of calling the cops and how I had to call before comming over there. That there was a posibility of someone that was on their way over or just left the house ( her 20 yr old son works from 4-12 and it was 8:00). I was threatened with a change of her telephone number and a restraining order if I called or contact her. This is from someone I loved and loved me (allegedly) and spent 15 years with. The lines appear to be drawn as bad as I would love for things to be different. I would pay money to see the look on her face and the thoughts going through her mind if she or her son sees my car and eventually my company to my new residence. She made her choice. Drake made an interesting quote " no texts I understand, no calls I understand but when you see me with someone else please understand."

I am by no means a person that likes conflict. I always try to walk away but at this point I am dealing with a person that has always done things to be malicious.I made mistakes and I hurt her but it was indirectly ( even though there were times I was dead wrong) not to say " I am going to hurt her and I dont care. Anything she has done to hurt me was direct and she did not care at this point ( she made mention did i really want to know if she was seeing someone to be spiteful). I want her but I don't feel I owe her that. The initial point of me buying that house was to be for us to move forward and that's the thanks I get. I am ready to give her what she ask for. If she is trying or will be happy with someone else its ok ... she will see what I gained in the process of what I loss in the process certain aspects have improved and what should have been hers someone else may be a part of.

I would wait to see if she contact you where she will now see your car and wonder why you are living there. I am sure she is going to ask someone why your car is in the driveway of a new home. She will be curious to why you are there and will most likely call or ask around to get information.
People make mistakes in relationships, you admitted to mistakes, she knows she has made mistakes but its about forgiving each other and either moving on together to moving forward with your lives separated. But I feel there was no closure to this relationship. There were so many unsettled issues that needed to be discussed. But instead you were not able to talk about how you felt about how she felt she was just to upset to discuss anything with you and she decided that rather than discuss it she was just going to forget everything and walk away. When someone is deeply hurt emotions take over in a whole new way. You can love someone for 15 years and then hurt and anger can consume you so much feelings for each other get blocked, unblocking them takes talking things out, discussing what problems need to be fixed.
But she did not give you this opportunity because she was so hurt and upset over whats has happened. People become very frustrated in relationships because they are trying to get their point across and try for the person to understand how they feel, but it isn't always easy to tell someone how you feel when you are so hurt and upset. This is why it takes time and healing to get through these problems you were having. There should have been a time where you both could have sat down and talk things out cal my, but she just wanted to move on because she was not able to handle the relationship anymore, she didn't want to be hurt no more so rather then go through any hurt again she walked away thinking it would solve the problem, but I am sure that she still needed closure as well just like you did such a long relationship ended without things getting solved. Now what you want to do it wait to see if she contacts you about moving. Please accept my answer.

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