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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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our marriage is bad, and my husband knows I complain in the

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our marriage is bad, and my husband knows I complain in the past years about him ignoring the marriage and acting like a single man. He still neglects me. I've been emotionally mistreated for years so need an objective opinion from an outsider. I don't trust his motives, not do I trust my own perceptions.
We were fighting this morning and he became belligerent and defensive. I told him I no longer in my heart feel the desire to sign papers for him that he wants me to sign. These papers are important to him, but have nothing to do with our marriage, but rather our sons ability to acquire dual citizenship both in the US and Europe.
he left the house after the fight. he came back later and asked me to go to lunch. This is not typical. During lunch he asked me if Ivwant to go to the dealership. I told him not to do this because he wants papers signed, because I don't want to be manipulated.
When we returned from the dealership, I said... "I believe you took me out today because you want me to sign papers.". (because most weekends he ignores the marriage) At first he was silent. Then he said, "I don't want to fight, and going out is better than fighting." I said, "But we were fighting, and you rarely ask me to go out after a fight.". he said, " We didn't fight while we were out together.". I asked him again to see how he would react if he only took me out because he wants something from me. he said "So what if I did?". I said. "So what?, then you had a reason.". he said, "No, that's not the reason, but even if it was, so what, everyone sometimes needs something, either you or I at times.". I said, "I don't trust your motive, because when I wanted to go out, you would ignore the marriage and do your own thing.". Then he said,"Now you think everything I do is just so I want something in return, can't we just enjoy the time we had together?".
because I've been in this dysfunctional marriage too long, distrust my perceptions and his motives, was I being used and manipulated in this case of him taking me out? Thanks much
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear Dawn,

I am sorry to hear about your continuing problems with your husband.

If would be so nice if you could find a way to make peace with each other. Have you though about finding a skilled, experienced and caring marriage and family therapist to work with so that you could both learn to be kinder and more accepting to each other.

It takes two of you to make this work. You are the more sensitive one and you will have to take the lead. If you plan on staying together then you must try to enjoy your time together and make the best of it.

It seems that you must want to stay with him for reasons that don't have much to do with personal relationship. If you cannot separate and cannot have a loving peace between you, then you should at least try to be pleasant and have a truce.

You are having a hard time trusting him because of all that has happened in the past.

If you are determined to stay, then do your best to keep the peace and don't waste any of your precious time in negative behavior. It is easier to say than to do, but if you keep that in the forefront of your mind, that every second of life is precious, then it can be a positive motivation.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers,

Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been to therapy with him and dragged him to three different ones in the past.
Thos days are over. I am in individual therapy now.
I only wanted to know if I am being manipulated in this case.
Thank you for empathy.
Perhaps when the grief of my lost marriage s fully acknowledged, the current abuses will not hurt as much.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Dear Dawn,

It does seem as if his meetings with you are agenda driven, and having a need for your business cooperation/signature is part of it.

The other side of that coin is that he also makes a social engagement out of it. Take the good with he bad, or as as some used to say, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Because you are still grieving you will tend to be more defensive and more easily irked. It is part of the depressive nature of grief. I agree with you that as you complete the stages of grief life will begin to look up.

My best wishes,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 4 years ago.
Thank you so much. May God continue to bless and heal you.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you