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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5808
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Kate, my husband wants something from me. he wants me

Resolved Question:

...and what kind of answer is that? matured? I don't see it. And he mentioned nothing about the reason we were in therapy, to fix the marriage. Matured? Was that just a flippant answer, or matured as in grown away from me? Can I take this as meaning anything significant, coming from someone who may have a personality disorder?

Kate, my husband wants something from me. he wants me to sign papers for my permission for our son to also have also citizenship in my husbands native country of Poland. If it can benefit my son in the future, I can understand and may do it. However suddenly my husband is being nice and wants me to sign these papers. My son doesnt care, he's only doing it for him. However, I feel like I am being used. I told him I refused to take a trip to another city 1.5 hours away unless I too have opportunity
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hi Dee,

It sounds like he is either saying what he thinks you want to hear, or he is serious about changing. But if you have not seen it before he had this request of you, then it's more likely he is just saying it and it is not what he feels.

If he is asking something of you then suddenly treats you differently in order to get it, then it makes perfect sense that you are upset about that and want to resist giving him what he wants. He would be using you in that case. And it would hurt you to give more when you feel that you have already given enough to the marriage.

It is within your rights to refuse to sign the papers if you feel as your son's parent that it would not benefit him in any way except that your husband wants this. And if your son doesn't care, then that adds to your decision. The only concern here is the fallback on your son. Will it expose him to any stress if you refuse? Would your husband try to use him to convince you to sign? If it hurts your son for you to refuse, then it might make more sense to do it for him. Though that doesn't seem fair, it is usually a balance between finding the right answers for the kids and dealing with a dysfunctional spouse. Often parents have to sacrifice some in order to protect the kids. But that is something you need to balance before you decide what to do.

If your husband says he has matured, then it could mean that he feels that he has matured away from the marriage. Or it could just be something he is saying to get you to agree to signing the papers. With someone who has a personality disorder, real change is easy to see. Although it doesn't happen often, sometimes they can change. But for the most part, you would really see the difference in them without having to look for it.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Fully Understood Kate and I appreciate your input and comments for me to consider. i see why you say my decision should be balanced between my interactions with his dysfunction and acting on behalf of my son and his protection.

If he said that he has matured, I can see how it can mean that he has moved away from the marriage. Yet, I have trouble seeing how it is telling me what I want to hear. Unless, he is saying he has matured (grown) and became a better person, (a contribution to the marriage.) Is it in this way in which you meant he is he is possibly telling me what I want to hear?

Ok, if it was a personality disorder, real change would be noticeable, but not highly likely, ok. Well I've seen no real change as you've already know by communicating with me.

Kate, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I appreciate your help. You pick up the scenario rather quickly and have insight beyond what I normally expect.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Thank you Dee! Yes, I meant that he was just saying that he has matured so you would cooperate. Sorry, I should have said that. Often a person with a personality disorder will manipulate in order to try to get you to do something for them and that is possible here. He may be trying to convince you that he "sees reason" and understands what you have been wanting all this time from him. But you are right to question it and to think about balancing your son's needs compared to your need to ignore what your husband wants.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
If you put it that way, he may benefit (my son) from this dual citizenship, if he one day works or visits Europe, and their may be other benefits as well, plus avoid putting my son in the middle of it all (if I refuse) I will do it, but will make it clear to my husband that I feel like I am being used, and that doing for him (my husband) doesn't feel good when he doesn't even consider my own needs and makes my life difficult. How does that sound to you?
Thanks much..
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 4 years ago.
You could set that boundary with him. It lets him know you are not accepting his attempts at manipulation, if that is what he is doing. And it helps you set boundaries so he is not likely to try this again thinking you can be manipulated.

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